


some killer queen you are

by possumdnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Communication, Drag Queens, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Moving House, Queer Themes, Try New Things, post-coming out universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-01-13 10:05:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 52,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21242333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possumdnp/pseuds/possumdnp
Summary: Dan’s enjoyed taking a break from YouTube, but for some reason, he still feels like something is missing. Determined to fill the creative void in his life, he decides to try out something new: drag.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan’s fingers hit the wrong keys for the hundredth time today. He curses softly and stops playing right in the middle of the song.

“Are you all right, Dan?” his piano teacher asks.

“I’m fine. I dunno what’s wrong with me today.”

“Just one of those days, then. We can take a break if you need it.”

“No, I’m fine. I want to keep going.”

But the song he’s trying to play sounds too heavy-handed. It’s not light and ethereal like it’s supposed to. He huffs in frustration.

“We’re almost done anyway,” Judy says kindly. “Why don’t we stop a bit early today?”

Dan nods reluctantly. Even though her voice sounds sympathetic, he feels empty inside, like he failed her, like he’s wasting this one hour a week they have together. He swings his long legs around to the other side of the piano bench.

“Do you fancy a biscuit to go? Neil baked some earlier.”

“Only if I can bring a few extra home. You know Phil’ll be furious if I don’t.”

“That boy of yours has some appetite,” Judy chuckles, leading the way to the kitchen. She’s never actually met Phil, but his sweet tooth has become a running joke between them.

She puts several ginger biscuits in a paper bag for him, then walks him to the front door. “You sure there’s nothing wrong, lad? You don’t usually make so many mistakes like that.”

He studies the pattern of the rug beneath his feet before answering. “Not really, no. Maybe it’s just the stress of moving house soon. We decided to remodel a few things before moving in, but that means we’re waiting on the contractor to get back to us. Feels like it’s taking forever.”

“Always does. Neil and I haven’t moved in thirty years. He blames it on not wanting to upset the cats with change, but really, he and I are happy right where we are.” She smiles at him kindly. “If you need a few weeks off from lessons once you boys start moving into your new place, let me know.”

He nods. “Okay, thanks.”

“You take care now, Dan.” She opens her front door and sees him out.

\---

The thing is, he wonders if maybe it’s not the stress of moving that’s causing him to fuck up like this, at least not entirely.

He wouldn’t tell this to Judy- she’s his piano teacher, not his therapist, after all. But he’s been feeling really directionless lately, lost in all the freedom his life has right now. He knows it’s such a fucking privileged thing to complain about. He knows that it should be the least of his worries that the things he genuinely enjoys, like piano, feel overwhelming sometimes.

Still, it just _fucking sucks._ It sucks to have to end a lesson early, feeling like he wasted both his and Judy’s time. He really likes her. She’s kind and reminds him a bit of his own nana, and he feels like he disappointed her.

It’s a nice day out, and he decides to walk home rather than taking the tube. It’s not raining for once, and the air feels cool and crisp around him. He breathes it in and tries to focus on the pavement beneath his feet, the way the fresh air feels in his lungs. Mostly, he just feels frustrated and sad, but he tries his best not to dwell on the negative feelings. It’s what his therapist would tell him to do.

When he arrives home, Phil is tucked away in their computer room, headphones on and in full video editing mode. But he looks up when Dan comes in and takes off his headphones with a smile.

“How’d it go?”

“Kinda shit.”

“What? Why?” Phil swivels fully around in his chair, giving Dan all of his attention.

Dan pulls over another desk chair and sits down next to Phil. “I dunno. It’s like I forgot how to play or something. I kept making stupid mistakes and getting frustrated.”

Phil frowns, looking concerned. “Is something wrong? I didn’t think you were having a bad day when you left.”

“I’m not, I don’t think.” He sighs. “Sometimes, I think maybe I need a change. A new creative outlet. Like, that what I’m doing just isn’t enough. Maybe I’m just bored of piano.”

“Don’t give me that. You love piano, Dan.”

“You’re right. I do. I just feel like maybe there’s something else I could be doing instead.”

“Well, we’re moving. Maybe that’ll be the change you need.”

Dan smiles a little. “I actually gave Judy the excuse that I was fucking up because I was stressed from the move. I definitely haven’t been practicing as much lately.”

“I know I’ve been stressed about it too.” Phil reaches one long leg out and kicks the box that’s sitting right next to the desk. “But it’ll be worth it, all this extra time we have to wait. Think how nice the remodels will look.”

Dan pictures it. It _will_ be nice. They’d decided that they might as well do some remodeling prior to moving in, so that their forever home will be completely perfect for them. The kitchen was outdated, and they’d both wanted a nice tub put in the master bath.

But there’s been delays, and it’s been more stressful than they thought it would be. Dan’s felt on-edge for months, really.

“I’m so fucking excited for that,” Dan says. “We can have a bath without having to worry about falling through rotten floorboards.”

“Or having weird beetles appear.”

“Wow, we really have lofty dreams,” Dan says sarcastically, though it’s actually the truth. He’d love a relaxing, danger-free bath right now.

“Well, hopefully in a month or two, everything’ll be done, and we’ll be settled, and we won’t have to think about moving for a really, really long time.”

They’re both quiet for a while. Dan’s imagining just how good it will feel to finally be settled in a permanent home. The place they’re moving into is so beautiful and perfect for them.

“You know that big space near the lounge in the new place?” he says. “What if we were to get a nice piano and put it there? Then I could practice on something that’s not a shit plastic keyboard.”

Phil raises an eyebrow. “Only if you serenade me daily.”

“So fucking demanding. Should I hand-feed you snacks too?”

Phil smiles at him. “Of course.”

\---

There’s a sticky note on their fridge. It says “Try New Things.” Phil put it there a few weeks after his fainting incident, when he and Dan officially decided then that they weren’t going to work so hard in the new year, that they were going to live a life less dictated by work.

Today, a few days after his failed piano lesson, Dan stares for too long at the childish scrawl of Phil’s writing and wonders if maybe that’s his problem, if _that’s_ what’s missing from his life.

Maybe he just needs to try more new things.

He finally opens the fridge door and grabs some almond milk out of it. When he heads into the lounge, Phil is sat in front of Norman’s tank. He’s focused, dabbing watercolour paint onto paper, trying to recreate the world inside the fishtank.

Dan sits down near him to watch. This is Phil’s own latest foray into trying new things, encouraged by his dad, who’d offered him some extra art supplies that were cluttering up the house.

Phil’s really taken to it. They’ve now got dozens of paintings scattered throughout the flat, of houseplants and Norman and the London skyline. Dan loves watching him work, loves how genuinely excited Phil gets when he finishes a painting that has some resemblance to its subject.

“Am I that exciting?” Phil asks with a sideways glance at Dan.

“You’re thrilling.”

Phil continues to paint- a streak of blue for Norman’s fin, lines of green for the grass. This painting is actually looking pretty good. Dan can tell it’s supposed to be a fish, at least.

“How do you decide what new things you want to try next?”

“What do you mean?” Phil looks up from his painting.

“It just seems that you decide things really easily, and you take so quickly to everything you try.”

“I guess I pick things I know I’d enjoy,” Phil says with a shrug. He’s wearing an expression that means he doesn’t understand what Dan’s trying to say. It reminds Dan that they’re not always on the same page, and it feels kind of shit in this moment. So often, it feels like they can read each other’s minds, so it makes him feel extra vulnerable when one of his statements is met with confusion.

“And I haven’t enjoyed _everything,”_ Phil continues. “Remember when I tried riding a bike again and got chased by that very angry swan?”

“Yeah.” Dan knows Phil’s trying to make him laugh with the swan anecdote, but he just doesn’t feel like laughing right now.

Phil puts his paintbrush down. “Is this about how you felt a few days ago? Are you actually not liking piano anymore?”

“No, it’s not that. I do really like it. Judy’s a great teacher. It’s just…” He sighs. “I feel totally uninspired. I was thinking, maybe I need more new things in my life, like you and all your new hobbies.”

Phil cocks his head to the side. “Just because Try New Things is my mantra doesn’t mean it has to be yours.”

“But I _want_ to be doing a bunch of new things. I think it’d be good for me. For us.” He fidgets a little in his chair. “I dunno. I just feel like maybe there’s something out there that I haven’t found yet. Something that I’ll absolutely love, that’ll fill that void. And I won’t find it if I keep sticking with things I already know I like.”

They’re quiet for a long while. Dan stares down at the painting of Norman.

“This is a really shitty time for me to be having another life crisis, isn’t it? Right before we’re about to move?”

Phil laughs. “Since when have your existential crises ever cared about good timing?” Dan cracks a smile, and Phil puts a reassuring hand on his thigh. “Besides, it's not like we're doing anything but sitting and waiting for the renovations to be finished with. We could have another month to wait."

Dan shrugs. "I suppose."

"And if you feel like something’s bothering you, or that you’re missing something in your life, then you shouldn’t have to wait to fix it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m sure there’s something out there that you’ll love.” Phil’s gaze falls to his watercolours. “Maybe you could try painting? You were always a better artist than me, and I’ve got loads of extra brushes and paper.”

Dan smiles properly for the first time this morning. “Yeah, sure. I’ll give it a try.”

Phil tears off a sheet of watercolour paper, and Dan settles in to paint a portrait of his terrarium. It’s a very quiet activity, meditative in a way. The sound of the brush bristles against the paper is loud to his ears. He likes watching the colour appear on the paper.

It ends up a bit lopsided, and he feels a little calmer after painting, but not completely. It’s not like he’d expected this to solve all his problems, but he just wishes he wasn’t feeling this way in the first place.

“I know there’s something out there for you, Dan,” Phil says, giving his shoulder an affectionate rub. “Even if it’s not painting. We’ll find you something you love to do.”

\---

The next afternoon, Dan’s sitting on his laptop, answering emails. He feels bored and unproductive, even though he’s just written out ten messages. His eyes are aching, and he thinks maybe he should head outside for some fresh air.

He hears a knock at the door and turns around to see Phil standing there, a small pile of paper in his hands.

“What’s that?”

“Just a little gift for you,” Phil says, handing the paper over. It’s a numbered list beneath the title _New Things to Try!_ “I totally expect you to try every single thing listed here, just so you know.”

When Dan flips through it, he sees that there’s hundreds of hobbies and activities listed. _“Phil._ You didn’t have to do this.”

“Yeah I did. I want you to be happy. You’ve looked really sad since you came home from your piano lesson, Dan. I wanted to help.”

Dan thinks he might cry if he tries to speak, so he just looks down at the pages in front of him instead.

“And it doesn’t just have to be for you. We can do some of these things together.”

Dan eyes something on the third page. “‘Try something new in bed with your partner?’ Nah, can’t see how we could do that together.”

“Shut up,” Phil says, blushing slightly. “I copy-pasted from a couple of websites. So if they’re weird or pervy, blame the internet.”

“So you _don’t_ want to try something new in bed, then.”

“I never said that, buddy.”

(It’s the first thing they check off the list, and maybe it can’t be considered a proper hobby, but Dan’s in full favour of it.)

The list makes for a good starting point. In the next few weeks, in between frustrating calls with their contractor telling them that there’s another delay, and no, their house isn’t ready to move into yet, Dan attempts to live by Phil’s life motto and tries more new things than he ever has before.

First, he tries going for a swim. He and Phil have got a personal trainer, which gives them membership rights to their local gym. He’s never actually tried out the pool before, but he remembers how much he had liked swimming as a kid.

It’s nice enough. It’s more enjoyable exercise than running. He likes feeling his weight suspended in the water and watching the old people across the pool do water aerobics.

But when he gets home and showers, he still smells like chlorine, and his hair is frizzy. That’s less than pleasant. He’s not sure if he’ll go back.

After that, he decides that what he really needs is a creative outlet. He finds a birdhouse-building kit from the store and buys it on an impulse. He spends a whole weekend trying and failing to hammer nails into wood.

Even though he doesn’t have a functional birdhouse at the end of the weekend, building it does inspire him to go to the park with a bird field guide and try to identify all the different species he sees (he is, in fact, able to identify pigeons and crows, which are seemingly the only bird inhabitants of London).

Next, he tries baking a loaf of bread that tastes surprisingly okay. He’s not about to become a Bake Off contestant, but the loaf is edible and crusty.

When he sits down to eat a slice of it, he stares at the crumbs littering the table and thinks deeply. Everything he’s been doing has been fun. It’s just... he just doesn’t feel particularly motivated to try any of it again.

Maybe it’s because he’s now identified Try New Things as a problem that he needs to solve. And his stupid brain won’t be satisfied until he finds the absolute perfect solution to that problem.

And that’s _beyond frustrating._ He and his brain are on better terms these days, but he still hates it sometimes.

Dan’s therapist talks to him a lot about perfectionism. How he thinks everything he does has to be _just right_ or else it’s not worth doing. He wishes he could say that taking a break from YouTube has calmed down the perfectionist side of him, but evidently, that’s not the case.

He finishes up his slice of bread and tidies up the crumbs. Maybe one day soon, he’ll finally find something that clicks with him.  
\---

Having to deal with contractors, moving boxes, his own brain is all frustrating, but Dan is offered a much-welcome break when their friend Adam invites him, Phil, and Bryony over for a board game night.

Even though board games can also be really stressful.

“Why do we always lose this fucking game?” Bryony says, glaring down at the board game. They’ve managed to get through the whole deck of cards and are nowhere close to winning.

“Because _Pandemic_ is stupid and hard,” Phil says.

“Your mum is stupid and hard,” Dan immediately shoots back. Next to him, Adam nearly chokes on his sparkling wine.

“Another round?” Phil suggests. “I _know_ we can win if we try.”

Bryony rolls her eyes. “Yeah, because the problem was that we weren’t trying hard enough.”

“I’ll get everyone drink refills, then,” Dan says, standing up.

Adam tips his head back to watch Dan walk into the kitchen. “Awww, being a good host even though this isn’t even your home?”

“Shut up. Me and Phil brought the wine, anyway. Maybe I feel responsible for it or something.”

Adam laughs. “Fair enough. I don’t particularly fancy standing up or being a proper host anyway.”

It’s been a fun night, Dan thinks as he heads into the kitchen and uncorks a new bottle of wine. It feels nice to have this small group of queer friends who are up for a quiet night of board games and snacks. They’ve always hung out with Bryony a lot, but Adam’s been joining them more lately, and sometimes his boyfriend too. Dan really wishes he could have had something like this when he was a teenager.

When he heads back into the lounge, Phil looks up. “Dan! Do you want to play a new round of _Pandemic,_ or move onto _Chameleon?_ We can’t decide.”

“You know I’m always up for _Chameleon.”_

They start putting away the first game, putting all of the little pieces back in their proper bags.

“You know what I think? We should go out and do something fun next weekend,” Bryony says.

“What, board game night isn’t fun enough for you anymore?” Dan says.

She gives him a look. “Just ‘cause you’re a homebody doesn’t mean the rest of us are. We live in _London_ for fuck’s sake. There’s got to be something fun to do somewhere that’s not one of our flats.”

Adam looks up from where he’s sorting cards into piles. “I’ve actually got a drag show coming up next Saturday. You’re all welcome to come, if you’re not busy.”

Bryony perks up and looks over at Dan and Phil. “Oooo, yes! It’s so much fun. I bet you two would love it. The bar’s really cool, and there’ll be loads of drag queens and good drinks and hot guys.”

“Wow, really trying to tempt us with the promise of hot guys?” Dan deadpans.

“I’m not sure if we’re busy, but send us the details,” Phil says. He’s always such a charmer. He knows perfectly well that they’re not doing anything next weekend. But Dan knows that Phil just wants to check in with him first, to make sure that they’re both on the same page about going.

“Just let me know,” says Adam with an understanding smile, and they move on to their next game.

\---

“Would I be a shit friend if I didn’t want to go?” Dan says. They’ve left from Adam’s flat, taken an Uber home, and now they’re tucked in bed.

“We can just say we have something else to do. He knows we’re busy, and that we’re moving soon.”

Dan’s quiet. His mind feels like it’s racing, which he really hates. He’s had a fun night with friends, and he feels like his brain should have gotten the message that he’s happy. Instead, his brain is just focusing on the unfamiliarity of a future experience he hasn’t even committed to yet, the exciting but terrifying concept of _going to a drag show at a gay bar._

Phil reaches over in the dark and takes one of Dan’s hands in his. “We’re out, Dan. We can do this now, and it won’t matter if anyone sees us.”

“I know.” He pauses to think. “I don’t think I’m scared of being seen anymore. Not really. It’s just, I’ve never done it before, you know. Go to a gay bar.”

“Try new things, remember?”

It makes Dan laugh despite himself. “I guess.”

“If you don’t want to go, I get it,” Phil says. “We can stay home and watch movies all night or something instead. But gay bars can be loads of fun.”

“What was it like when you went when you were in uni?” Dan whispers.

Phil strokes Dan’s fingers with his thumb. “Kinda amazing, actually. I mean, as far as bars go. There was this one place me and a couple of my friends would go to sometimes. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t weird gay Phil. I could just be me.”

“Really?”

Phil shifts. “I mean, there was this one time when some creepy middle-aged guy hit on me. That wasn’t great. But if that happens to us this time, you can, I dunno, come over to the bar like it’s a movie and be like, _pardon me, sir, but this handsome lad’s already taken.”_ He affects a bad pseudo-Texan accent, and Dan laughs.

“I should do that even if no one creepy hits on you.”

“Aw, Dan. You know it’s my dream to be called handsome by a fake cowboy.”

“You dork.” He rolls over so he’s half on top of Phil and tickles him.

“No! You’re the worst!” Phil squeals, squirming and trying to roll away, laughing breathlessly. They playfully tickle and wrestle with each other until they collapse, tired and out of breath. The duvet has become a twisted mess, so Dan readjusts it neatly over the both of them.

“Just let me know what you decide, Dan,” Phil says, settling in beside him. “I’m fine either way.”

Dan takes a deep breath. Right now, in this moment, he feels brave. “We should go. Try new things.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! This is my first chaptered fic, and I'm very excited to share it with you all. I'm aiming to update weekly, so stay tuned for the next chapter!
> 
> Note that I know very little about Adam besides his drag name and the few appearances he’s had in d&p’s past videos (like the cat cafe one). He will essentially be an OC in this story, so apologies if I’m portraying him inaccurately!
> 
> Reblog on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/188707865860/skqya1)


	2. Chapter 2

Dan thinks that Drag Night might be the one time in his life that most of the people around him are taller than him. Or at least that’s the thought that pops into his head when he’s one-and-a-half drinks in and admiring the platform heels of the drag queen passing by them. She’s at least six-foot-five with her shoes and wig combined, and Dan thinks he might be a little bit in love with the fact that he can do this now.

The speakers are playing some song from the seventies, and the bass thrums through his body, feeling like a pulse, feeling like life. The lights flashing around the bar are all the colours of the rainbow, and they reflect against Phil’s pale skin like he’s the canvas for some sort of abstract art.

There’s two women sitting close together a little ways down the bar, holding hands, and earlier, he saw a couple of guys making out against the wall when he went to order drinks. There’s people dressed up in drag everywhere he looks.

And Dan? He’s sat at a table in the midst of it, Phil on one side, Bryony on the other, simply looking at everything in front of him. Tonight, he feels gay. Also very overwhelmed, if he’s being honest, because it’s _a lot._

He doesn’t quite know what to do with himself right now besides sit here and watch the world go by. He still doesn’t know if he feels anywhere near prepared to be here.

It honestly feels like he’s a newborn deer trying to move his lanky, clumsy body in the world for the first time, even after reading a dozen _“what to do when you attend your first drag show”_ articles and texting Bryony whenever he thought of something new to ask. He’d tried to have more restraint with Adam, because he knew he was getting prepared for this show tonight and probably wouldn’t appreciate being bombarded with a billion questions.

“You okay?” Phil whispers in his ear. Maybe his overwhelm was showing on his face.

He nods. “It’s just a lot. You?”

“I’m great.” Phil reaches out and takes his hand under the table. Dan squeezes it. They don’t touch in public much, but tonight, in this little bar, surrounded by other guys being free with their physical affection, Phil’s touch feels comforting. It feels okay and right.

“Have you seen Autumn yet?” Bryony asks over the din of the bar.

“Not yet,” Phil says.

Dan glances around again, searching for a bright green wig amongst all of the queens. He’s never actually seen Adam in drag except for a few photos. He has no idea what she’ll be wearing tonight.

He’s amazed by the sheer variety he sees. There’s drag queens dressed in everything from very simple dresses to extravagant outfits that look straight off of a runway from the future. Their dresses, wigs, and makeup are in every colour of the rainbow. There’s drag kings too, striding around with more confidence than Dan will ever have.

He thinks he wants to stay here and people-watch forever. He’s never been in a bar full of queer people openly expressing affection and wearing drag. But a part of him feels like he’s more at home here than at any other bar he’s ever been to previously.

“Look!” Phil gestures suddenly, and his bright pink drink sloshes dangerously, spilling a bit on his jeans.

Dan hands him a napkin. “What’d you see?”

Phil is distractedly dabbing at his jeans and doesn’t answer. Bryony, next to him, rolls her eyes and points to a group of three drag queens who are walking on the other side of the room. “It’s Autumn.”

“Holy shit.” He can see how much life Adam has as Autumn. She’s totally in her element around the other drag queens, her movements exaggeratedly open.

“I know, right? She looks amazing,” Bryony says.

She really does. She has on her long green wig, which has been curled to perfection. Her dress is bright neon pink and definitely makes a statement.

Dan watches as she heads through a door at the back of the bar with two other queens. “Do you know what she’s doing tonight?”

“Last time, she did a lip sync performance with a group,” Bryony says. “I think those two she was with are the queens she talks about practicing with a lot. She’s probably going to do something similar tonight, but I dunno.”

It’s only a little while until the stage lights dim, and a drag queen in a short, fringed dress comes onto the stage. She’s wearing a ginger wig curled to perfection, and her eye makeup is colourful and dramatic. The crowd goes wild, clapping and cheering loudly.

“Welcome to Utopia’s monthly drag queen night! I’m your host, Mistress Mystique, and have we got a fucking fabulous show for you! Especially you, handsome,” she says, blowing a kiss at a guy at a table by the stage. He pretends to swoon.

“Now, are you ready to cheer and scream for these talented queens? Are you ready for them to steal your heart and your man? For them to leave you breathless and aching for more?” The crowd goes wild again.

“Then keep your applause going for the first performance of the night! It’s someone who knows Madonna better than Madonna knows herself- the very talented, gorgeous, incredible Miss Rita Bonita!”

A queen wearing short pink dress comes onstage. Her tousled blonde wig is held back from her face with a headband that matches her dress. After exchanging a few bants with Mistress Mystique, she goes on to do an impeccable Madonna impersonation, singing “Material Girl.”

Dan watches with delight. He’s never experienced a show like this before. He and Phil watch Drag Race almost religiously and were so excited when the UK season was announced. But there’s something special about this show.

Dan knows from Adam that all of these queens are amateurs, people who do it just for fun and the occasional tip. But they’re all funny and talented, and they all seem really supportive of one another’s acts, even when they’re banting with each other and the crowd. They make sure everyone gets a chance in the spotlight.

Autumn comes on fourth. It’s her and two other queens, and they lip sync to Jessie J’s “Bang Bang.” Their dance moves are dramatic and expressive, and even though it’s not a completely flawless performance, Autumn looks like she’s having the time of her life up on that stage.

The crowd is eating it up, dancing along and cheering when the queens whip their hair around and dance with each other. Dan, Phil, and Bryony cheer loudly along with everyone else.

Dan feels so proud as he watches Autumn. She seems so confident. Dan marvels at her, at the change that he sees in this person he’s known for years. Honestly, he had gone into tonight ignorantly assuming that Autumn would just be Adam wearing a wig and some makeup.

Adam out of drag isn’t exactly _shy,_ but he’s a nerdy introvert like them. Dan’s seen him stutter and blush when trying to talk to a cute guy. To see him as Autumn, dancing with confidence, working this crowd, and flirting with everyone in sight, is maybe the most surprising thing Dan’s experienced tonight.

When the song is over, Autumn and the two other performers curtsy to loud applause and head off backstage.

“That was amazing!” Phil yells over the noise.

“I know, right? She’s so good,” Bryony says.

The crowd settles down, and they watch the rest of the show. Dan enjoys every minute of it, admires the variety of personalities up on that stage, and all their clothing and makeup looks. There’s queens who look glamourous and elegant, queens whose outfits are covered in glitter and sequins, and queens who are trying to push creative boundaries with their outfits and makeup. Some have clearly been doing this for years.

It feels like no time has passed at all before Mistress Mystique is thanking everyone for coming and supporting the show. All the queens come onstage, and the audience gives one final round of applause and cheering.

After the show ends, Autumn comes out from behind the stage makes her way through the crowd, strutting right toward their table. Bryony wolf-whistles as she approaches.

“Hello, lovely people!” Autumn says, slinging an arm around Phil’s shoulders. Phil for his part doesn’t seem flustered that he’s suddenly being embraced by a drag queen. “Did you enjoy my stunning performance?”

“It was incredible, Autumn! You did such a brilliant job!” Bryony says.

“You’ve really only been doing this for two years?” Dan asks. He feels weirdly shy around this larger-than-life version of his friend.

“It’s my pure natural talent.” She extends one high-heeled foot and winks at Dan. He thinks that her accent is somehow even more Irish when she’s in drag. “My good looks help too.”

“I love your hair,” Phil says. “It’s so green.”

Autumn smirks. “The highest of complements, handsome. I know green’s one of your favourite colours.”

“Is Gordon here tonight?” Bryony asks. “We tried looking for him, but it’s so busy in here that we just settled for this table. Figured we would see him at some point.”

Autumn points to a table in the far corner of the bar. Dan can see her boyfriend sitting with a group of other people. “Yeah, he’s over there, cute as ever. I should go greet him before one of the other queens steals him away. Want to come with and say hello?”

“Yeah, sure!” Bryony says. “Come on, you two.” She finishes off the remainder of her drink and stands up.

Autumn strides off across the bar, and the three of them follow. Dan watches her in admiration. She’s walking confidently in four-inch heels like it’s nothing.

“I think I’m in love,” Bryony says.

Dan smiles and nods in agreement. He thinks he might be a little bit in love too.

\---

“Tonight was fun,” Dan says when he gets into bed next to Phil, pulling the covers up over himself.

“I know. It was so much fun.” Phil snuggles up next to him. “So you liked your very first gay bar experience then?”

Dan makes an affirmative noise. “Wish I’d been brave enough to go to one sooner.”

“I dunno. I think we’re all ready when we’re ready. And you- we- had reasons that we didn’t want to go ‘til now.”

“At least you went a few times during uni.”

“Yeah, but it was loads better with you and Bryony. _And_ we got to see our friend perform.”

Dan smiles and pulls him closer to his chest.

Phil sighs. “Everything feels all floaty and nice,” he mumbles into Dan’s collarbone. “I think I’m drunk, Danny.”

“What the fuck are you on about? I know you’re not that much of a lightweight, Phil. You only had, like, three cocktails.”

“I’ll put my cock in your tail,” Phil says sleepily, and Dan knows he said it just for the pun, but he feels a bit turned on nonetheless, because his dick is stupid and apparently thinks even Phil’s horrible jokes are a turn-on. And he’d actually be up for it right now.

But it’s not going to happen because Phil falls asleep quickly. Dan laughs fondly when he starts snoring a little, and he strokes his fingers through Phil’s slightly-messy quiff.

He might be a little drunk himself, though whether it’s from the alcohol or the fun of the night. Whatever it is, the world feels softer and gentler than normal. His head spins with all of the colours and music of the night, and he feels damn happy, and damn _gay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Find me on tumblr [here.](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

Dan’s flying high after his first drag show experience. He wakes up the next day feeling more cheerful than he has in ages. He’s miraculously not hungover, and he’s excited to be awake for once. It was maybe the best night he’s had in ages.

“You’re in a good mood,” Phil says as comes into the kitchen and fumbles in the cabinet for a coffee mug. He looks rumpled from sleep.

“I just had fun last night, that’s all,” Dan says as he hands a plate of toast to Phil.

“I did too.” They share a smile and tuck into their breakfast. They don’t need to talk about it, really. Phil already knows what a big deal last night’s adventure was. He understands, and Dan loves him all the more for it.

This is the life he’s always wanted. Not necessarily going out to gay bars, but just being able to do so without questioning himself every step of the process. Last night was overwhelming in the best way, like he was a skydiver on the precipice of jumping out of the plane, and he still can't believe that he actually did it.

And now that he’s gotten a taste of what it’s like to live his best out life, he really wants to experience it again.

But he doesn’t have much time to dwell on his first gay bar and drag night experience, because a few days after their night out, their contractor calls them and tells them that the renovations on their home are finally nearing completion. They just need to come around and approve of everything before he finishes the project up.

And then, after that, they can finally move into their forever home.

They head over to the house that afternoon so that Mark, their contractor, can show them the finished result. He greets them at the door when they ring the bell and leads them inside.

Mark’s a sturdy bearded guy in his forties, the sort of manly guy Dan’s usually a bit wary around. But he hadn’t even blinked an eye during their initial consultation, when Phil casually slipped it into conversation that he and Dan were a couple. Dan warmed to Mark quickly after that.

They head into the kitchen first. Dan marvels at how different it looks now. When they first toured the place with their real estate agent, the kitchen had looked straight out of the 1980s. There had been these ugly hanging lights that were just the right height for them to hit their heads on.

Now, everything is modern, clean lines and smooth, dark countertops. It looks just like what they’d envisioned.

“I love what you did with the backsplash,” Phil says excitedly, touching the thin line of blue tiles that run parallel to the countertop. If Mark weren’t here, Dan would totally rib Phil about how much of a home renovation television nerd he is (he probably will later anyway).

As Phil and Mark carry on a conversation about tiles and countertops, Dan continues to look around. Mark’s extended the counter out to create a breakfast bar. They’d wanted one for sentimental reasons. Dan’s so looking forward to sleepy mornings, eating cereal at this breakfast bar with Phil, just like they used to in Manchester.

They move on, checking out the master bath next. It’s perfect, everything Dan could’ve wanted. They’d picked out a tub that tall guys like them can actually fit in, and it looks great with the other changes that Mark’s made- the sleek grey stone walls and the new sink.

“We love it. Thank you so much for all of your work,” Dan says.

“My pleasure,” Mark says. “Apologies for all of the delays, chaps. Sometimes, you can’t help it, unfortunately.”

They sign some paperwork, and Mark sees them off at the front door. “Hope you enjoy living here. You’ve a lovely home in a lovely area.”

On the Uber ride, Phil looks over. His expression is soft. “I think I’m even more excited about moving in now.”

Dan reaches over and takes his hand. “Me too.”

\---

And then, just like that, they’re thrown into full-on moving mode. They cancel all of their other plans; there’s no way they can handle movie night with Bryony or lunch with Martyn this week. Dan even cancels his weekly piano lesson for the first time since he started going. His teacher was entirely understanding, even though Dan felt bad about it.

Right now though, Dan’s too busy chucking things in boxes to think of anything else. He supposes that’s one good thing about being too busy to think- there’s no time to worry or have an existential crisis. There’s just boxes and more boxes.

“Why do we have so much shit?” Dan moans, reaching for the packing tape. He feels like his soul is being buried in with all of their knickknacks.

“Because having things makes our home feel cozy.”

“I still think we should become minimalists and live in one of those tiny houses. Screw the new house.”

Phil makes a face at him. “That sounds awful. We’re both so tall. We’d have no leg room.”

“That’s true.”

“And you love our new house. No way we’re giving it up now.”

They spend the end of every night collapsed in front of the tv, too tired to go out and do anything. They’ve been heading to bed early too, and Dan wants to sleep for a hundred years when this is all over with.

\---

“Have you boxed up the old AmazingPhil room?” Dan asks, prodding at the Phil-shaped lump of blankets on the couch.

Phil just groans and pokes his head out of the blanket that’s covering him. “Mostly. I did a lot of it like a month ago, remember? But I’m too tired to finish now. I don’t have arms anymore, see?”

“Sure you don’t.”

“We’re going to have to hire a robot butler with immortal arms to do the rest.”

“Lazy. Fine, I’ll go deal with your filming shit, then.”

Phil smiles. “Thanks, Danny. Love you.”

Dan rolls his eyes, then heads down the hallway to the room where Phil used to film. Most of the decorations have been taken down and packed away, but there’s still a few objects scattered about.

There’s a hat and a book lying on the floor, and he chucks them both into a box. No sense in packing things too neatly; they’ll organize when they get to the new house.

The bed’s been stripped, the AmazingPhil duvet tucked away into a box somewhere. They don’t own the bed frame; it came with the flat when they rented it. But just to be sure they’re not going to leave anything behind, he gets down on the floor and looks under the bed. There are a few things down here- a little stuffed dog, a sharpie pen, and a tangled wig.

Dan pulls them out and tosses the first two objects into the box. But he hesitates with the wig. It’s the one they’ve used over the years when they needed a female character in one of their videos. It’s a shitty, cheap wig, really. The hair is messy from being shoved under the bed for god-knows how long.

Dan holds it in his hands, and his heart starts beating faster. His mind is suddenly back to how happy he felt last weekend at Adam’s drag show.

_I could do drag,_ he thinks. The thought is surprisingly clear in his mind for how exhausted he is right now, and for how uninspired he’s been lately. But the thought intrigues him and reminds him how enchanted he had felt at the bar, watching the drag queens perform.

He’s really far too busy to be playing dress-up right in the middle of packing up his whole flat, but maybe, just for a second, he could...

He turns the wig over in his hands, considering putting it on, when Phil’s voice comes from across the flat.

“Dan? Where are you? Do you have the packing tape?”

“One sec!” Dan calls back. He takes one last at the tangled wig, then tucks it into the box. He might be too busy now, but he’ll remember it’s there for later.

\---

They miraculously finish their packing at two in the morning on the night before the movers are set to come and get their boxes. They fall into bed exhausted and anxious. Dan is more than ready for tomorrow to be over with and for them to be settled into their new home. He falls asleep almost instantly, a miracle for him, considering he usually stays up for hours when he’s worried about something.

But he’s woken up a few hours later from his deep sleep to Phil shaking him awake. It’s still dark out, and Dan feels confused and disoriented.

“What's wrong?” Dan mumbles blearily. “It’s not morning yet.”

“I dreamt that I killed Norman. We need to go check on him.”

“The fuck?”

“I was driving the moving van, and the water sloshed out of his tank ‘cause I can’t drive, and he fell out with all the water and died.”

Dan blinks several times, trying to clear away the haze of sleep. “We haven’t moved yet, remember? Norman’s not dead, Phil.”

“But what if he is?” His voice is small, and Dan sighs resignedly.

“C’mon, then. Let’s go check on him.” He climbs out of bed and reaches around in the dark for Phil’s hand. Together, they head downstairs to Norman’s tank. Dan switches on the lamp in the corner of the room. “See? Still alive and happy.”

Phil stares into the tank, watching as their fish swims peacefully around. Dan rubs his back and feels as Phil exhales slowly. “It was just a dream.”

“Yup. And there’s no way I’m letting you drive the moving van.”

Phil lets out a little laugh. “I think I’m really stressed about moving.”

“I am too. But think of how happy we’ll be when it’s over.”

They’re quiet for a while, watching Norman.

“You know what?” Phil whispers into the quietness of the early morning. “I think I liked living in this flat.”

“Getting sentimental on me, bud?”

“Maybe a little. You know me.”

Dan moves to hugs Phil, pulling him tight against his chest. He kisses his hair. “I think I liked this flat too.”

They stand there for a long time, surrounded by boxes of their life together. He’s looking forward to the new place, but he’s going to miss this temporary flat too. They’ve made a lot of memories here.

“Let’s go back to bed?” Phil asks.

Dan kisses him one more time, then leads the way.

\---

A couple of hectic days later, and they’re settling into their new place nicely. The movers transferred all of their possessions over in a single day. Dan and Phil had swept every corner of their old flat and said goodbye one last time. It was a bit sentimental, even though they had known that the place was temporary.

Mostly, Dan is ecstatic to finally be settled into their new home. It’s so beautiful, the sort of place he’d always dreamed of owning with Phil. There’s enough giant windows for Phil, and the interior is modern and welcoming. They’ve even got a little garden.

Most importantly, it’s _theirs._

Because of Phil’s nightmare, Norman’s tank was the first thing they arranged. They’d needed their pet to be happy before they were. He’s currently swimming happily around his tank in the lounge, which Dan is glad about. The move can’t have been easy on him.

As happy as Dan is, he’s also fucking tired. Moving is hard work, and they’ve still got a lot to do. Their furniture is mostly in the right place, and the things they use daily are all unpacked, but things still need to be organized, and they’ve still got loads of boxes to deal with. It feels like it never ends, and he just wants to sleep for a week straight.

A few days after their move, Dan wakes up to Phil climbing back into bed, having just gotten up to use the bathroom. It’s still dark outside.

“Hmmmm?” Dan says groggily. “Time to get up?”

“Shhhh. It’s Sunday. What if we relaxed this morning? The boxes aren’t going anywhere.”

“Mmmmm.” Dan closes his eyes again. Phil curls around his back, and Dan feels so warm and cozy. He pulls Phil’s arm tighter around him and drifts back off to sleep.

When he wakes again, it’s to Phil pressing slow, gentle kisses on the back of his neck. It’s a bit brighter in the room now, early morning probably.

He peers over his shoulder at Phil’s sleepy, unshaven face, and feels his dick stir with interest, reminding him that they haven’t actually had sex for a few weeks now. They’ve just been so goddamn busy and tired that they’ve fallen into bed at the end of each night with just a kiss goodnight.

But now, they have time. Phil’s right; the boxes can wait, and there’s nowhere they have to be. A bit more awake now, Dan turns around and tilts his head back against the pillow to expose his neck. He closes his eyes when Phil starts kissing again. His stubble is just a little longer than usual, and it scratches deliciously along Dan’s throat. He wonders if there’s going to be red marks when he looks in the mirror later.

Dan thinks that morning sex might just be one of his favourite things on this earth. When they’re both loose from sleep, warm and comfortable under their duvet, it feels like the easiest thing to slip off their pants, get some lube, and slowly, unhurriedly, make each other feel good.

He wraps his hand around both of them and hazily savours the feeling of them rubbing together, and the feeling of Phil’s lips pressing kisses on his neck, his jaw, his mouth.

They don’t chase after the ending, enjoying each other too much to rush it. They kiss leisurely, and Dan comes with his face buried into Phil’s shoulder, his teeth digging into the skin just a little as he continues to stroke both of them.

“I’m really happy right now,” Dan mumbles afterwards. He feels warm from his head to his toes and delirious and so, so tired, but he needs Phil to know how he feels.

“What, ‘cause you just came? I reckon lots of people feel happy after they come.”

“Shut up.” He playfully smacks at Phil’s shoulder.

“But I’m glad you’re happy. I’m happy when you’re happy.” Phil presses an off-centered kiss to Dan’s lips. “I’ve been worried the last few weeks, you know. You’ve seemed, I dunno, scattered or lost.”

“Mmmmm. Maybe.” It’s true that he has, but right now, he doesn’t want to think about his ongoing quest to try new things.

“Was it just moving stressing you out?”

Dan groans. “You’re talking too much. Let me enjoy my orgasm in peace.”

\---

Phil is gone from the bed when Dan wakes up for the third time this morning. He blinks groggily as his dreams fade from his consciousness. He tries to judge the time from the amount of light coming in through the window, though all he knows for sure is that it’s proper daytime now, and probably time to be awake. He grabs his pants from where they’ve been tossed onto the floor, puts on his NASA cats shirt because it’s actually kind of cold today, and heads downstairs.

Phil’s sitting in their new lounge, hair rumpled from sleep and sex. He can’t have been up for very long, because his coffee is still steaming.

“Hi.” Phil smiles at him. “It’s a great morning, isn’t it?”

“The best.” Dan can’t bring himself to say something snarky like he usually would, because yeah, any morning where he can be lazy in bed with Phil is a good morning. “What if we go out for breakfast?”

“Even though it’s nearly noon?”

“Brunch, then.”

Brunch is the perfect sort of meal for them, because Dan can get a vegan sandwich or salad, and Phil can order waffles or something of the like to satisfy his sweet tooth. Since they’re in a brand new neighbourhood now, they haven’t scoped out the best places to eat yet.

The little cafe they end up going to is a good start though- it’s cute and has good food. They sip their coffees, and enjoy each other’s company, and watch all the people walk by.

“We can finally adopt a dog, Dan,” Phil says, as a lady walks by with an especially cute yorkie.

“The maze of boxes in our lounge might be too hazardous for a dog.”

“I’m just so excited that we can finally do it. It feels like our life is beginning.” Phil’s eyes are shining, and he looks so much younger right now.

“You know what? I’m really excited too,” Dan whispers to him, and they share a grin, like they’re the only two people in the world.

\---

More boxes get unpacked, and their life starts getting back to normal.

Well, nothing feels “normal” this year. Dan is still in shock at everything that’s happened, that this is his life now. It’s weird, not being a full-time YouTuber anymore. Not feeling the stress of having to put out videos every week. He’s still got a file folder of ideas sitting on his laptop. He goes back to look at them sometimes, but he doesn’t feel especially driven to make a new video right now. And that’s okay.

He’s grown so much this year, he thinks. He feels happier, and calmer, even if he is feeling a bit directionless at the moment. He’s done so many things he never thought he would do- come out, buy a home, go on a two-week holiday with his family.

That’s another thing that feels abnormal to think about, that he’s actually getting on better with his family. He's actually putting forth the effort to send pictures of the new house to his mum and nana. They both respond with enthusiastic, emoji-laden texts. It’s a good change, being able to be more open with them about his life, even if it is just over text.

He thought that would be the extent of it- until his phone starts ringing with an incoming call from his mum.

It comes right when he’s in the middle of unpacking kitchen utensils. The sound of the standard iPhone ringtone makes him freeze, because he’s a cliche of a twenty-something who hates talking on the phone.

Normally, he would let it just go to voicemail, but it feels rude when it’s his mum calling, so he takes a shaky breath and answers the call. “Hi, Mum.”

“Dan! I hope I’m not interrupting you. I know you must be busy these days.”

“It’s fine. I have time to talk.” He leans back against the breakfast bar. The countertop digs into his lower back. It’s slightly uncomfortable, but it helps ground him.

“Nana and I are going to be in London next Tuesday. I was wondering if we could stop by and see your place in the afternoon, if you’re not busy. We can even take you boys out for dinner to celebrate.”

Dan’s brain freezes. He absolutely wasn’t expecting this. His mum had of course visited his other homes from time to time, but never as a proper housewarming thing. And now she knows that he and Phil aren’t just roommates. There’s a lot more meaning wrapped around this visit, a lot more meaning in this shared forever home.

“Dan? Did the call drop? Mobile coverage is even spottier than it used to be, I swear.”

“No, I’m still here,” Dan says weakly. “Yeah, that’d be great, Mum. The place is messy though. We haven’t finished unpacking yet.”

“That’s okay. You did just move in. Nana and I don’t mind a bit of a mess.”

Dan swallows. His throat feels very dry. “All right then. We’d love to have you over.”

“Wonderful! I’ve loved the pictures you’ve sent. Do you like living there so far?”

“Yeah, it’s great.”

“That’s great. Well, I’ve got to run. I just wanted to let you know we’d be in town. I love you lots, Dan.”

“Love you too, Mum.” He ends the call and lets out a heavy sigh. Fuck. He’s got no choice now. It’d feel horrible and rude to cancel on his mum when she’s actually putting forward the effort to come and see him.

Which is stupid. He really does want to see her, and Nana too. He probably would have invited them over himself eventually. It’s just... complicated.

—-

Dan spends the rest of the afternoon feeling restless and antsy. Whether it’s the fact that he now has an impending visit from his mum, or if it’s the fact that he’s been doing nothing but unpacking and organizing his belongings for a week straight, he needs to do something different before he goes insane.

He thinks about bothering Phil into doing something with him- playing a game or going outside for a walk- but when Dan goes looking for him, he finds him in their study, busy planning his next liveshow out.

Dan doesn’t want to disturb him, so he paces aimlessly around the house instead. He watches Norman for a while, stares out the window at passing cars, looks through all of their video games before deciding he isn’t motivated enough to play anything, wanders upstairs and then back downstairs again.

It’s then he spots the _New Things to Try!_ list that Phil made for him. It’s sitting on a shelf, probably tossed there as they unpacked. He picks it up. Maybe something on this list will help get his mind off of things.

There’s a smiley face drawn next to the title- Phil must’ve put it there at some point when Dan wasn’t looking. He flips through the pages again, the first time he’s done so since they moved house. There’s a lot of good suggestions here, things he’d love to do at some point.

_Learn how to cook gourmet meals._

_Learning another language._

_Plant an herb or vegetable garden._

The only thing is, Dan thinks that he wants to do all of these things with Phil. He wants to fail at making an overly-complicated dinner with him. He wants to laugh at Phil’s terrible French pronunciation. He wants to have an hours-long debate with him about what specific kinds of vegetables they should plant in their new little garden.

But Phil is busy right now, and Dan also wants to find things he likes doing on his own. To find his own special activity, something he’ll like just as much as playing piano.

And in his heart, there’s one thing he knows he wants to do above everything else, something that’s been on his mind since he finished packing away the old AmazingPhil room. Something that’s not on the _New Things to Try!_ list. So he returns the papers to where he found them and heads back upstairs to the spare bedroom where they’ve been keeping all of their miscellaneous YouTube props.

The boxes from Phil’s old filming room are right there. They’re among the few they haven’t gotten around to unpacking them yet; Phil’s got all of his current props and camera equipment in his new filming room, and they won’t need anything from these boxes in the near future.

Dan rips the tape off of one of the boxes and searches around. His fingers find the wig that he’d put in the box before they moved, and he digs it out. He stares down at it. It looks a little bit more tangled from having been shoved in a box.

With trembling hands, Dan puts it on his head, forcing himself not to think too much of it. He heads into the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror, his heart starting to beat faster. His own eyes stare back at him from under the long brown hair. He doesn’t look like much of a drag queen at all- he looks like a gangly, sweaty noodle in a cheap wig.

And annoyingly, he knows there’s little else in this house to make him look any more like a drag queen. They don’t have any spare dresses or heels lying around, and while he knows Phil got all that makeup for one of his videos, he has no idea if Phil kept it or where it might be now.

Still, just wearing this shitty wig puts a spark of excitement and interest in his heart that he felt when he was sitting at the bar, watching the drag queens perform.

_This could be it,_ that mythical perfect activity that he’s been missing in his life. With drag, he can be as creative as he likes and perform to a cheering crowd. He can express himself in ways he never felt confident enough to do before this year.

Because ever since coming out, he’s had this strange, burning need to express the queerness that has been eating him up inside for years. Sometimes, he feels stupid and immature for that, like he’s going through the self-discovery stage of teenagerhood a decade too late. But mostly, he wants to explore it, wants to chase that good feeling that he got from going to his first pride parade, wants to chase that feeling when he said the words “gay” and “queer” on stage at VidCon and everyone cheered.

(He doesn’t know what that feeling is exactly, but he thinks “pride” really might be the best word out there.)

He feels that same feeling when he looks at himself in this cheap, tangled wig. He feels queer, and it feels good.

And then, in the next moment, he feels a sharp, cold swirl of doubt and shame enter his stomach. This is what all of the guys at school used to tease him about, isn’t it? _Oi, Howell! You’re so girly, so weak, so gay. Theatre and dressing up? That’s so fuckin’ gay, mate. Might as well go to the girls’ school down the road for as much of a man as you are._

It makes him feel sick, even all these years later. He fucking _hates_ that those assholes still have any power over him and his actions, but they do. Maybe they always will. Maybe their voices will always show up in his head whenever he doubts himself, and the best he can do is quiet them.

He hates that it’s like this, that he can make jokes and be confident on social media, and yet his past still gets him down like this. It’s bullshit, really. He’s gone to therapy, and accepted himself, and come out to the whole world. You’d think the universe could give him a break.

So he counts to four as he takes deep breaths in and out, just like his therapist taught him to do. He focuses on the details of the present moment instead. The bullies aren’t here anymore. It’s him, and he’s the only one who can decide what path to take forward. He’s the only one who can decide what makes him happy.

He has the feeling that exploring the world of drag could very well make him happy and fill that creative void in his life. He remembers how alive he felt when he was watching Autumn and all of the other people perform in the drag show.

But right now, the bullies’ voices are too loud in his head. He’s worried about too many things, too filled with self-doubt, and it’s too much for today. With a sigh, he takes the wig off and places it once again in the box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Reblog on tumblr [here.](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/188995012126/skqya3)


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next few days, they unpack their endless boxes, have intense debates about furniture arrangements, and get all of their technology hooked up and working properly. Well, most of their technology. Phil spends six whole hours trying to sync their lights up to an app on his phone. It doesn’t work, and he pouts until Dan kisses him and offers to order dinner from the Indian place down the road.

They get their new piano delivered and set up in the alcove near the lounge, and Dan takes time out of every day to play it. It’s a beautiful instrument, a delight to play. Unlike the old keyboard he’s been playing on for the past few years, it’s in-tune and not made of plastic.

In between all of the chaos, Dan sometimes goes back into their spare bedroom and tries on the wig, or else curls up on the sofa to read all the articles he can find online about drag. He’s torn between feeling excited about the prospect of trying something new, and being horribly reminded of his past.

Maybe it’s the impending arrival of his family that’s making him remember how shit his school days were, and how much his old classmates would bully him for even thinking about wanting to try out drag.

Which is stupid. He’s an adult now. He’s left his hometown and bullies far behind, and he’s in a good place now. He’s out, he lives with his partner of a decade, and he’s even got a friend who does drag. It shouldn’t bother him at all to try something like this out. But it does.

He also knows it's stupid that he’s so nervous about his family coming to visit for just a few hours. Because he truly does want them to see the new home he’s worked hard for. And he’s getting along with them better than he ever has before- his holiday in France with them earlier this year proved that.

But at the same time, seeing them makes him as anxious as it always has. Even though their relationship has improved, it’s still not at the point where Dan feels like he can be fully himself around them. They just don’t have that relationship yet, and maybe they never will.

And then there’s the fact that this home is more _them_ than any of their other places were. His family visited all of his and Phil’s old flats, of course, but this place is so much more. It’s their forever home and the first place they’ve moved into with Dan’s family knowing that he’s in a committed relationship with Phil.

Because of that, this is also the first place that he and Phil aren’t pretending that they sleep in separate bedrooms. It’s the first place where they’ve hung up coupley photos of themselves on the wall that aren’t going to be taken down when they have guests.

Dan’s scared shitless.

So he ends up procrastinating on thinking about his mum and nana’s arrival by spending entirely too much time holed up in their lounge watching an old season of RuPaul’s Drag Race on his laptop. He should be doing something more productive, probably, but this is comforting to him right now, an escape into the world of drag queen drama, where his real life problems can’t hurt him.

(He can’t help but look more carefully at the contestants’ outfits than he ever has in the past, trying to decide what he would like to wear if he ever went through with taking up drag.)

“What’re you watching?” Phil says, coming into the room.

Dan hates that his mind freezes like a startled rabbit. He hates that his first instinct is to lie, because that’s what he’s always done when it comes to queer things. But it’s _Phil._ He’s never had to hide from Phil, and he knows he really likes this show too. So he takes a calming breath and says, “Drag Race.”

“Oh, cool!” Phil says, and curls up next to him to watch too. Dan takes his headphones out so that Phil can listen. “Which season?”

“The one with Raven and Jujubee.”

“Ooooh, I like that one.” Phil tugs Dan’s blanket over onto his own lap.

Dan tries to concentrate on the drama on the screen in front of him, but he just feels distracted. Phil must notice, because when the runway theme music is playing, he pokes Dan with his foot.

“Hey. You seem tense. You okay?”

Dan shrugs. “Just stressed about tomorrow.” It’s half the truth, anyway.

He spends the whole rest of the episode considering telling Phil the _other_ half of the truth, that he’s thinking of trying drag out himself. It’s not even that he’s worried that Phil would mind. From the very beginning, Phil has always been so nonchalant and accepting about whatever it is Dan’s interested in. It’s one of the many things he loves most about him.

And it makes Dan feel bad that his first instinct was to hide from him, because they just don’t hide things from each other. They never have.

But he doesn’t particularly want to have a conversation right now about wanting to do drag himself. It feels too difficult, because it also means telling Phil everything he’s worried about.

Right now, he just wants to watch this show with Phil and head to bed early so that he can lie in the dark and stare sleeplessly at the ceiling for hours, worrying about tomorrow. Maybe he’ll give Phil a cheeky blowjob too, because sex never fails to ease his mind.

And maybe, if he’s feeling brave, he’ll tell him about wanting to do drag after his family visit is over.

\---

He and Phil are pretty much nervous wrecks the whole morning before his mum and nana come to visit. Dan finally stops procrastinating and determinedly cleans the whole first floor, while Phil worries about what snacks to serve and which books should be on the coffee table.

His family arrives in the early afternoon. Dan greets them at the door and feels so much like an adult in this moment, welcoming them into this home that he now owns.

“This is such a cute neighbourhood,” his nana says, taking off her raincoat. Dan takes it from her to hang up. “Oh, thank you, Dan.”

His mum smiles warmly at them from behind Nana. To his delight, he sees that she’s holding Colin, whose tail wags frantically when he spies Dan. This visit might be worth it after all if he gets to pet a dog.

“Wow, Mum, thanks for the housewarming gift,” Dan says.

“You cheeky bastard,” his mum says. “You know you’re not allowed to kidnap Colin from me.”

“But I always want to. ‘Cause he’s such a good boy,” Dan coos, moving forward so that he can scratch the dog’s ears.

“You’re his favourite, I think,” his mum says. “He always gets so excited whenever he sees you, so I thought I’d bring him along.”

“Why don’t you all come into the lounge?” Phil says. He’s got his overly-polite host voice on right now, and though he’s smiling, he’s standing slightly stiffly. Dan can tell he’s nervous as fuck.

“Oh, boys, this place is beautiful,” says his nana as she walks through the house. “So much natural light! And what a great view!”

“That was Phil’s main request. Lots of windows.”

They settle down on the furniture, and Colin hops up on the couch that Dan and Phil are sharing. He sits right in between them, and Dan’s heart melts.

His mum smiles at them. “Are you two getting a dog anytime soon, then?”

It’s so weird that she phrases questions like this now. _You two,_ or _you and Phil,_ like it’s a given that they’ll be doing things together. Because of course they will be. They always have.

It’s just, until he came out, she would always just say, _you._ The _“and Phil”_ might have been there, implied, but it always went unspoken until this year. It’s unfamiliar in the best way possible.

“We really want to adopt a dog, now that we’ve moved and we know we’re not going on tour again,” Phil says.

“Phil talks about dogs constantly.”

“I think he likes dogs even more than you do, Dan.” She tilts her head appraisingly, watches as Colin settles himself in between them, resting his chin on Phil’s leg. “I know you’ll be great dog owners.”

Dan grins, feeling his anxiety lessen for the first time today. “Thanks, Mum.”

\---

After catching up for a bit, they take a quick tour of the house. It’s exceedingly awkward to point out his and Phil’s shared bedroom. Dan’s palms are sweating when his mum and nana are looking around, because the only thought running through his head is _oh my god, I just called it ‘our bedroom.’ Now they know me and Phil fuck in here._

But he somehow feels even more flayed open when his mum pauses for too long at decidedly coupley photos they’ve hung in the hallway, taken from all of those years she didn’t know they were together.

The one of them under a cherry tree in Japan five years ago, their arms wrapped around each other’s waists, looking totally at peace with the world.

The one Kath had taken of them that first December they were together, hugging each other close and beaming, both of their noses red with cold, and Dan in that stupid furry hat.

The one of them on a double date in America with Martyn and Cornelia.

His mum doesn’t comment on any of it, the bedroom or the photos, which Dan is obscenely glad about. She just turns to smile at Dan and asks what they’re planning on doing with their garden space.

\---

His mum and nana have to head back home soon, so they end up going out for an early dinner at a nice Italian place within walking distance of their home. Dan eats too much free bread and thinks that this visit hasn’t been as bad as he’d thought it might be. Maybe that’s because Phil’s here, and it feels like he can conquer the whole fucking world when Phil’s by his side.

But maybe it’s more than that. Maybe he’s actually, genuinely getting along with his family now, which is such a foreign concept to him that he almost can’t believe it. Maybe he’ll never have the sort of tight-knit relationship like Phil does with his family, but it’s now possible to go out and have an enjoyable dinner with his mum. It’s something he thought he’d never have.

After dinner, they return to the house so that his mum and nana can get Colin and drive back home.

“It was lovely seeing you two boys, and your wonderful new home too,” his mum says. “I hope we can do this more?”

“‘Course, Mum,” Dan says. “It was good seeing you too.”

She smiles and pulls him into a quick half-hug, then Phil. It’s made difficult by the fact that she’s holding Colin. “Bye, you two.” She turns and heads to the car.

His nana moves to hug both of them in turn. “It was wonderful seeing you again. You need to come visit your poor old nana more, Daniel.”

“You’re not old, Nana. And I’m coming for Christmas, remember?”

“I’m looking forward to it.” She smiles up at him. “Oh, and that reminds me, I’ve brought along something to give you.” She unclasps her purse.

“Nana, I told you we didn’t need a housewarming gift.”

“Don’t get snippy with me, Dan. It’s not a proper gift. It’s just something I found while I was cleaning the house a few weeks ago.” She takes something out of her purse and gives it to Dan. Phil peers over his shoulder to get a better look. It’s a bag of old cassette-sized tapes, the sort that you used to put in video cameras. He reaches in and pulls one out. It’s got “November 1996” scrawled in his nana’s handwriting on the label.

“They’re more of the videos we recorded when you were a child. I remembered that you asked for them a few years ago, so I thought you might like these ones too.”

“Thanks, Nana,” says Dan, investigating the other tapes. They all seem to be from around the same timeframe as the other tapes he has.

“I gave you the camera and cables and everything, so I haven’t watched them. I don’t even know what’s on them. Might be rubbish.”

“I’m sure it won’t be.”

She smiles at him and ruffles his curls. “Be sure and show me if there’s anything cute on there. You were always such a spirited little boy. Still are.

“Even though I’m taller than you?”

“Even so.” She moves forward and pulls him into another hug. “I love you, Bear. And I’m so proud of you.” Dan hugs her tightly back.

“I love you too, Nana.”

He and Phil stand outside and watch until the lights of Dan’s mum’s car disappear into the darkness.

“You okay?” says Phil, putting a gentle arm around Dan.

Dan nods. “I think I am. It was a good visit.” And it’s true. He’s not feeling particularly sad right now, which is unexpected. He’s used to family get-togethers ending in him feeling stressed and on-edge. Today, he feels almost relaxed, though he’s tired and more than ready to put his pajamas on and snuggle with Phil. “Are you okay?”

Phil nods. “Yeah. I like spending time with your family. They’re nice.”

“That’s just ‘cause Nana’s charmed by you.”

“It must run in the family.”

“I don’t know if that’s sweet or disturbing, Phil.”

Phil smirks, then turns to head inside. “That’s just who I am, Dan. Sweet and disturbing.”

\---

The tapes from his nana sit on one of their shelves for a few days. It’s not that Dan’s procrastinating on watching them, not really. He actually enjoyed watching his other childhood videos the first time around. It’s funny seeing himself as such a small being.

It’s just, he knows watching them is inevitably going to make him feel sad about how innocent and sweet he used to be, the reality of what happened to turn him into who he is now. He’s been feeling raw about his past lately, and he doesn’t want to face it just yet.

So there the tapes sit on the shelf as Dan goes to his piano lesson, therapy, and lunch with Phil and Bryony. He answers emails, practices piano, and skypes with the IRL team. He flips through the _New Things to Try!_ pages, watches Phil paint watercolour pictures of snails, and makes homemade black bean burgers for dinner one night. It’s a pretty average week, all things considered.

On Thursday, he goes to put a misplaced book back on their lounge shelf, when he sees the video tapes. He stares at them inquisitively. He’d feel up to watching them today, he thinks. He’s in a good mental space for it and is actually pretty curious what they have on them. His parents hadn’t taken many photos or videos of him as a child, so he doesn’t know too much about what he was like.

So he heads up to their spare bedroom, the one where they’ve been storing all of the random crap that they’ve accumulated over the years. Their cords and cables reside in a disorganized bin, and it takes him a little bit to untangle all the wires, but he finally finds everything he needs to hook the clunky old video camera up to his laptop.

Phil’s working downstairs, and Dan sidles up behind him. “Want to watch those tapes my nana gave me? Might be cringe, but I thought it could be fun.”

“It won’t be cringe!” Phil says, closing his own laptop. “I bet it’ll be cute. You were a really cute kid.”

\---

Thirty minutes later, Dan’s sat on the sofa, trying to hold in his tears as he watches his five year old self run around happily on his laptop screen.

He’s come to terms with a lot of things about his past. His therapist has helped with that, and so did making his coming out video this year. That was therapeutic in a way he can’t really explain.

But there’s obviously still some things he’s working through, because why else would he want to fucking sob seeing his younger self jump around in a wig, singing Spice Girls and Brittany Spears songs to his laughing grandma, like it was the best day of his life?

There’d been a couple moments like this in the videos she’d given him a few years back. But obviously, singing and dancing for an audience had been a favourite pastime of him, aged five. He doesn’t remember doing it. Maybe he’s repressed happy things too.

Phil pauses the video, looking concerned. “Dan? You okay?”

“Once in therapy,” Dan says, “my therapist asked me to imagine my five year old self. What I would say to little Dan if he were in the same room, what I would do if I had to entertain him for the day.”

Phil probably already knows this. Dan tells him a lot of the things that he and his therapist talk about. But it feels good to talk about it again sometimes.

“So what would you say to him?” Phil says. He reaches over and takes one of Dan’s hands.

“I didn’t really have an answer when she first asked me. I still don’t.” He looks over at the frozen image on the screen of his younger self in his nana’s garden. “All I know is that I want the best for him. I want to hug him and cheer his Spice Girls performances on. I want to talk about video games and cartoons with him. I want to tell him to keep being himself. I want to stop him from future pain.”

“I think he’d want the same for you, Dan.”

Dan sniffles and wipes at his face. “I am happy, you know. I’m so happy, with you and with our house and our life and everything. But-”

“But?”

“I dunno. Sometimes, I just wonder if I’ll ever be as effortlessly happy as that little kid.”

Phil’s quiet for a while, rubbing Dan’s hand soothingly. “Is this about what you said a few weeks ago about feeling like you don’t have a purpose?”

He shrugs. “Maybe a bit.”

“Well then, what made five year old Dan happy? Maybe you can, I dunno, channel some of that energy.”

That makes Dan laugh. “‘Channel some of that energy?’ Who are you, a yoga instructor?”

Phil shrugs. “Just trying to help you, mate.”

Dan thinks. What _had_ made him happy as a child? Not being aware of the world, for one. But that’s like Pandora’s Box. He can’t just unlearn how cruel the world can be.

But what else? “I liked having fun, I reckon. Making my family sit down, and singing or doing magic shows or putting on plays for them, without giving a shit what anyone thought about me.”

Phil looks over at the laptop screen. “Maybe it’s performing that you miss. I always saw you light up like that whenever you were on a stage, you know.”

Dan smiles. “My theatre kid days _were_ kinda the best.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I got to be someone else, and I could be silly and loud, and people would laugh at me in a way that felt good for once.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re a natural performer. You’re really good.” Phil thinks. “Maybe you could do, like, community theatre or something. Shakespeare. You really liked reading for that PhilosophyTube stream, remember?”

“Yeah, I did.” He fusses with a loose thread in the blanket that’s covering them. It’s time to stop procrastinating on telling Phil what he’s been thinking about for the past few weeks. “Want to know something stupid?”

“Always.”

He takes a deep breath. This is Phil. He’d trust Phil with his life. “I came up with an idea a while ago. It was just a lot for me, and I didn’t know if I could do it. I was actually thinking of trying out drag, like Adam.”

Phil’s face lights up. “Dan! I think your younger self would love that. You really rocked those wigs at age five.”

“Really? Don’t you think it’s weird?”

Phil frowns in confusion. “What the hell? Why would I think it was weird? I think it sounds like the perfect thing for you to try. Remember how hard we would laugh when you used to do those Becky sketches for your videos?”

Dan smiles. Sometimes, things from his past are just cringy, but he has some cherished memories of himself and Phil absolutely losing it and crying with laughter on the floor of their flat when Dan would film his Becky sketches.

“It’s been in the back of my mind since we went to Adam’s show. I guess I was just kind of nervous about it. Like it was too gay or something.”

Phil tilts his head to the side. “Adam says that straight guys do drag too. And aren’t you always telling me that things and activities and stuff can’t ‘be’ gay?”

Dan shrugs. “I know. It’s just, whenever I think about doing it, I hear those assholes from school in my head, and I just don’t feel brave about anything.”

Phil moves closer to Dan and pulls him into a hug. “You’re _really_ brave, Dan. The bravest person I know.”

“You’re sweet.” He rests his chin on Phil’s shoulder, enjoying his warmth. “So you don’t think I’m being completely daft, wanting to try it?”

Phil pulls back and looks him in the eye. “Dan. You know I would support you if you decided you wanted to dress up as a clown and learn to juggle. Or if you wanted to paint yourself gold and be one of those London street performers. Or if you wanted to buy a fursuit and be a full-time sloth bear. As long as you’re happy, I really don’t care what it is you’re doing to feel that way.”

Dan gives him a cheeky look. “What if becoming a Phil-murderer is what will make me happy?”

“You’d just murder Phils?”

“Yup.”

“Then I’ll legally change my name and we’d still live happily ever. See? Foiled again.” Phil grins widely, his tongue sticking out between his teeth, and Dan wonders for the millionth time how he got so lucky to find this guy. “But really, Dan. I think it’s great. I think drag would be perfect for you to try.”

“I have no idea where to even start though. There’s so much shit involved to do it. And all we have are a couple of costume wigs and some cheap makeup.”

“We’ll buy you good stuff, obviously,” Phil says, and Dan’s heart warms at the word _we._ Because _of course_ Phil wants to help him, no question about it. “And you should talk to Adam! I’m sure he’d love to help you and get you started.”

Dan hadn’t forgotten the fact that he has a friend to talk to about this. But he’s still intimidated by putting himself out there for something like this and asking for help. But Phil saying that yeah, Adam probably _would_ love to help, makes Dan feel a little bit better. He’s got people who love and support him. More than anything else, that’s the thing he loves about his life now, the thing that he’s glad his former five-year-old self grew up to have.

“I think maybe I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Reblog on tumblr [here.](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/189157644040/skqya4)


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, he texts Adam with trembling fingers. Even though he’s excited about it and committed to actually doing this thing now, it still takes him five minutes to send one text to him.

_so I maybe want to try out drag_

_DAN!!!!!_ replies Adam, along with several of the dancing lady emojis.

_I was wondering if you could help me out,_ he texts. _I’m very overwhelmed_

_Of course! I would be honoured,_ Adam responds. _You free this afternoon? You should come by my place, I’d love to talk!_

They go back and forth for a while and manage to find a time that works well for both of them, and Dan’s panicking a little less as the conversation continues. Adam seems genuinely excited for him to come over, and it helps relieve some of the tension that's been building in his body since last night.

Talking to Phil had made him feel excited about the prospect of doing drag, but also apprehensive, enough that he’d had trouble sleeping. While staring at the ceiling, he’d made a promise to himself that he would talk to Adam once he got out of bed, because he knew that if he didn’t, he would just end up procrastinating on this yet again. He wants to turn over a new leaf and actually do things that he wants to, even if he’s a little bit terrified.

\---

“It’s actually weird seeing you without Phil,” Adam says after he welcomes Dan into his flat. “I feel like half of you is missing or something.”

“It’s weird for us too. We spent literally every second together last year.”

“I dunno how you do it. I love Gordon, but I need some alone time, or else I think I’d go mad.” He gestures to the sofa. “Have a seat wherever. Gordon’s not home, so we have the place to ourselves for at least a few hours.”

“Where is he?”

“At work. His manager doesn’t understand that people have lives outside of work, so his schedule is _so_ inconsistent.” Adam rolls his eyes. “It’s maddening trying to figure out date nights, honestly.”

“How’s living with him been so far, then?” Dan asks.

Adam grins and blushes. “Amazing. So amazing. I love him a lot.”

“Awww, still in the honeymoon stage, then?”

Adam snorts. “Can it still be the honeymoon stage if you’re two years into dating a guy?”

“Sure. I know I still was two years in.”

“Can’t believe you’ve been with Phil for ten fucking years now.”

“I know. It’s crazy.” He smiles and settles down further into the sofa, tucking a pillow behind his back to make himself more comfortable.

“So you wanted to talk to me about drag?” Adam asks.

“Er, yeah. If that’s okay with you.”

Adam beams at him. “I’d love to talk drag with you, mate! I was super excited when you texted me.”

“Really?”

“‘Course! I love seeing new people get into the community. Especially my friends, ‘cause it means we’ll have an excuse to hang out together more.”

Dan looks down at his hands, feeling awkward. “I suppose I’m just overwhelmed. Where the hell do I even start?”

Adam laughs. “Don’t worry. I felt exactly the same way when I started. I actually asked a couple of friends of mine for help. It’s really common. Lots of queens have a mentor who helps them get into the drag community.”

Dan feels relieved. Not that he’d thought that Adam would think he was weird for asking for help. But even though he wants to do this, it’s still _a lot_ to admit to someone that you don’t know what the hell to do.

“You know, I think showing you all my drag stuff is the best way to start.” Adam takes Dan into his room and opens up his wardrobe. Next to all of his and Gordon’s plain t-shirts and jackets is a number of violently neon dresses. It reminds Dan a bit of the stark contrast going on in his and Phil’s shared wardrobe.

“We’re a wee bit short on space, since we’ve only got this one wardrobe, and there’s nowhere else to put all my shit. So I chuck it in here with all my other clothes.” He takes out a few dresses and sets them on the bed.

“My style’s really bright. Lots of colours and such. You’ll develop your style once you get into it. You can take inspiration from queens you know in real life or on tv.” He smooths a hand over the dress on the bed and turns to Dan. “D’you have an idea of who you might like to be?”

Dan stares down at the dresses on the bed. They’re blinding and not really his style at all, drag or not. “Definitely not neon.”

Adam snorts out a laugh. “Didn’t think you’d go for the bright colours.”

“I think I like the really creative queens, the ones who do their own thing and don’t give a fuck. Something along the lines of Kim Chi.”

“That type of drag can be really cool. Some queens have insane makeup skills.”

Dan pauses and bites his lip. “It think it’s mostly because I want to get to the point where I just don’t give a fuck.”

“Drag will definitely help you with your confidence,” Adam says, looking over at him. “I know it did for me, and a lot of the people I’ve met.”

Dan swallows and continues. “But I’m not sure if I can pull it off, you know? I keep thinking that it’s what Phil would do if he did drag. Like, just sew a random thing together and call it a look, and wear the brightest makeup possible and have it actually look incredible.”

“Is he interested in drag?” says Adam jokingly. “He’s got amazing cheekbones.”

He laughs. “He does have great bone structure, but no, he’s not. And you know he should never be allowed near heels.”

“He really shouldn’t.” Adam considers for a moment. “You know, even if you do think it’s more of Phil’s style, I definitely think you could pull off a totally-out-there creative look just as well. You’re more creative than you give yourself credit for, Dan. You just have to trust in yourself and make it your own. I mean, any drag look is like that, really, even the more classic feminine looks.”

Dan nods. “I think I might have to build up to developing a big, creative persona like that. I was thinking maybe I might start out trying out a goth-y sort of look, like with a lot of black, and with fishnets and dramatic makeup. Is that totally cliché of me?”

Adam snorts. “Of course you’d go for black, Dan.”

“Hey, it’s a good aesthetic.”

“I’m not making fun of you, mate! You can do a lot with it. You could really play it up and be sort of creepy, or you could be sorta punk and tough, or like, go super high-fashion, or-” He stops himself. “Sorry. I’m just really excited for you. I’m remembering when I got into drag. I felt like I could be anyone.”

Dan looks at the clothes and wigs around the room. “How long did it take you to build a persona, then?”

“Technically still creating her. I think she’ll always be a work in progress. But I had ideas for her from before I started doing drag properly.”

He nods. That’s good to know that he isn’t somehow totally far behind. He supposes he does love a good creative project, even when the possibilities seem endless. Creating ideas and characters is something he’s always been good at.

“I’d say just go for it, honestly,” Adam continues. “Just start putting outfits together and trying on makeup looks, even if they seem completely over-the-top, and see what works for you. You might be surprised.”

“So how do you get started doing makeup? I’ve been watching tutorials online from drag queens, but it’s so confusing. They go so fucking fast, and they don’t always explain things. I feel like an actual baby.”

“Best way is to just get some products and start experimenting.” Adam gives him a cheeky grin. “Or better yet, let your friend show you how it’s done. Want a makeover, Dan?”

“You’d do that for me?”

Adam nods enthusiastically. “Before I really started performing at bars and clubs, I had a drag queen do me up, and I swear, it changed my fuckin’ life, seeing myelf in the mirror. Made me want to do it even more ‘cause I looked so hot.”

Dan laughs. “Okay then. Make me up.”

Adam sits him down at the kitchen table and drags out a mirror from his bedroom so that Dan can watch him work. He then brings over what seems like an awful lot of makeup.

“First we gotta glue down your eyebrows. Everyone I know just uses these school glue sticks. They’re cheap and easy.” He starts putting glue on Dan’s eyebrows, rubbing it against the grain of the hair, which feels weird as fuck.

“Phil’s gonna want to do this too once he knows I get to put glue on my face.”

“Kinky.”

“Fuck off. How is that kinky? One of his dreams as a kid was to cover his whole body in glue so he could peel it off in one piece.”

“Still sounds kinky, sorry, mate.” Adam finishes applying the glue and starts combing Dan’s eyebrows upwards, making them tidier, and goes over it one more time with the glue stick. “Then you’re gonna powder your brows. Sorta... press it in while the glue’s still sticky, you know?” He does it to demonstrate. “It makes putting on the foundation a little bit easier.”

Dan looks over into the mirror and watches his eyebrows slowly disappear under powder. He never realized how important eyebrows really are; he looks like some bizarre sci-fi character right now.

“Okay.” Adam puts the cap back on the glue stick and picks up several bottles from the table to show to Dan. “This is primer. I’m not going to put it on you right now, but I would definitely do it if you’re going to perform.”

“What does it do?” Dan asks, taking the small bottle from him to look.

“It just gets your face ready to hold onto the makeup you’re about to put on. Makes everything last a lot longer.” He picks up several more bottles. “And then this here is foundation." He holds one of the bottles up to Dan’s face and frowns. "This might look like total rubbish, since we've got pretty different skin tones, but we’ll try.”

“You’re almost as pale as Phil,” Dan says.

“I’m not denying it,” he says, unscrewing the top. “So you want the good shit. It can be expensive, but trying to work with super cheap foundation is a right pain in the ass.” He starts spreading foundation on Dan’s face. It feels even stranger than the glue, having his face covered up like this. The most makeup he’s ever worn before is a bit of eyeliner for the theatre productions of his youth.

(Also, that time he went as a sexy emo for Halloween, but he makes it a goal to think of that night as little as possible.)

Adam continues to explain everything as he goes: contouring and highlighting, how to blend makeup effectively, how to change the shape of your face through just a bit of makeup, and a bunch of little tricks he’s learned along the way to make things easier. He also shows Dan all the products he’s using, and tells him what they’re used for, and doesn’t get impatient when Dan asks him about a million questions.

They’re not even done yet, and Dan’s brain is already swimming with all of the new information. Even though he’s heard of all these types of makeup before, from his female friends and from watching drag queens do their makeup on YouTube, he’s never really paid any attention to what they’re for.

But he really wants to learn. So he listens carefully, and watches in the mirror as his face is transformed through swipes of colour. Adam’s using his face as a canvas for a work of art, and Dan’s excited to see the finished product.

He closes his eyes when Adam tells him to, and feels him swipe an eyeshadow brush over his eyelid.

“Is doing drag ever… you know, difficult? Like, do other people judge you for it?”

Adam doesn’t stop applying the eyeshadow, though his voice is serious when he replies. “You’ve gotta have a thick skin to do this. I’m not gonna lie and say it’s easy every time, or that it’s just some silly dressing up. People _will_ judge you, even other gay people. There’s pricks out there who’ll hate you, even in a big city like London.”

“I think I know that all too well.

He hears Adam sigh. He knows better than most people what Dan’s been through. He stops dabbing on eyeshadow and Dan opens his eyes. Adam’s looking him straight on. “But drag queens, we’re tough bitches. We’re sisters and we support each other. It’s a fantastic community. They’re gonna love you so much, Dan.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Adam smiles. He gives Dan’s shoulder a pat. “Now close your eyes. Let me finish making you beautiful.”

“Bullshit,” Dan says, closing his eyes again and letting Adam resume applying eyeshadow. “I’m beautiful no matter what anyone says.”

Adam laughs. “That’s the spirit, Christina Aguilera.”

Some time later, Adam tilts Dan’s face from side to side, inspecting his work. “Hmmmm. Okay, I think I’m done. Looks kinda rubbish, but that’s ‘cause I’m used to doing it on myself.” He steps aside so that Dan can see himself in the mirror. “Here, take a look.”

“Holy shit, Adam. It doesn’t look rubbish at all.” Dan doesn't want to look away once he sees himself in the mirror. He looks so different. More feminine than he knew his face could be, with defined cheekbones created through the magic of makeup.

“Do you like it? There’s a thousand different ways to do makeup, so I just did something similar to my own look.”

“I love it.” He moves closer to the mirror to further inspect himself. “Wow.”

“I’ve rendered Dan Howell speechless. I didn’t know that was possible.”

“Fuck off. You know you did a great job.”

\---

They spend the rest of the afternoon talking about drag- where Dan can get outfits, which YouTube queens to watch for makeup inspiration, which brands of makeup are good to use. Adam even offers to introduce him to the two queens he performs with.

“You’ll love them. We practice together every week. I’ll let you know when we’re here, and you can meet them. You don’t have to join in if you don’t want to, but we’d love it if you did!”

“Sure, I’d love that,” Dan says, though he feels weirdly shy about the prospect of meeting actual, real drag queens. Which is weird. ‘Shy’ is a word he’s literally never used to describe himself. He’s just worried that maybe, he won’t be accepted into the community now that he’s put forth the effort to start doing this. That maybe, Adam’s drag queen friends won’t be as nice as Adam is about it, that they’ll make fun of him or something.

He wishes he could just convince his brain to stop being so scared all the time and just commit to doing this without fear.

\---

By the time he’s wiped off his makeup and is putting his own shoes back on, he’s got a long list on his phone of websites and resources to check out. Adam’s even given him a few things that he doesn’t use anymore. Dan’s overwhelmed with everything he knows now.

“Thanks for everything, Adam.”

“No need to thank me, mate. I always enjoy seeing you.”

“Well then, thanks in advance for answering all of the questions I’m inevitably going to spam your phone with.”

Adam laughs. “Ask away. Hell knows I probably annoyed the fuck out of a few queens when I was first getting into drag. Think of this as me giving back.”

Dan nods, feeling overwhelmed. He hadn’t expected this much, just for Adam to answer some of his questions, really, but his friend has brought him right into his safe space. It makes Dan feel welcomed and loved, and he thanks the universe once again that he’s no longer stuck back in Wokingham.

\---

That night, he sits down and watches makeup tutorials, and reads stories of people’s first times doing drag, articles about drag history, and beginner’s guides on how to do makeup and wigs. He’s fascinated and drawn to the rich history of the community.

“This is kind of perfect,” he says to Phil, who’s reading a Stephen King novel, his eyes looking bleary behind his glasses.

“What is?”

“Drag. I’m surprised I never looked into doing it sooner. It’s performing, but it’s also a sort of study of gender through adopting this female persona, and like, what does it means to be feminine or masculine?”

“That’s cool.”

Dan laughs. “Too tired to listen to one of my rants about gender and the wrongdoings of the heterosexual patriarchy?”

“Kinda, yeah.” Phil yawns and puts a bookmark in his novel. “Sorry, Dan. You can tell me more about it tomorrow, I promise.”

Dan leans over and kisses him, just because he can. “Go to bed. I’ll be up soon, probably.”

Phil stands up and stretches so that his back pops. “Okay. I love you. Don’t stay up too late.” Phil leans down and places another clumsy kiss on Dan’s lips before heading up to their room.

Dan checks the time. He’s not really tired, but it _is_ getting late. He ends up sitting with his laptop and losing himself in more blog posts and Wikihow articles and online shops. He knows he’d be far more comfortable in bed, but he’d hate to keep Phil up with the light from his laptop.

When his computer complains that it’s almost out of battery, he realizes that his head and back are both aching. He’s been sat in the same position for too long, entranced by everything he’s watched and read. He closes his laptop, plugs it into its charger, and heads to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first drag-heavy chapter, yay! Hope you all enjoyed. :)
> 
> Reblog on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/189336323085/skqya5)


	6. Chapter 6

Now that he’s talked to Adam, Dan feels impatient to begin. Despite staying up so late, he actually wakes up early the next morning and gets right to work. Phil isn’t even awake yet, but Dan’s motivated. He wants a dress and some heels, damn it. Then he can actually practice without feeling daft.

He thinks of getting some paper and sketching out some ideas of what he wants to wear, but he’s a pretty shit artist, and it’s hard to come up with a proper idea of a drag queen persona without looking at what’s out there. So he opens up a new browser window and finds one of the sites that Adam recommended, the one that sells all sorts of drag stuff. He proceeds to look through every single page.

There’s so much cool stuff on here. Long, elegant ball gowns, and outfits that would show off his whole thigh. Dresses and skirts in every colour. Corsets and heels and necklaces, a veritable treasure trove of clothing that makes his repressed inner theatre kid just want to buy one of everything.

He goes through the website and mentally notes everything that he likes. He feels overwhelmed in a good way, thinking that he could actually put these items into his shopping cart and have them delivered within the week. He doesn’t know who he wants to be, and if he’s being honest, he wants to try _everything._ But that’s not practical. As Adam had warned, it’s kind of ungodly expensive. There’s some gorgeous dresses that are hundreds of pounds.

He knows it’ll take him literally forever to make a decision, so he does what he’s always done and goes to find Phil. They work well together. They’re both great at coming up with characters, having essentially been characters on YouTube for years. And Phil’s writing a script right now, so his mind is in character mode all of the time. Dan could think of no one better to help him come up with his drag persona.

Phil is awake now and is busy doing his morning yoga routine in the lounge in his pyjamas, but he looks up at Dan when he enters the room.

“Hey,” Dan says. “I need you to come help me decide on something.”

“Okay,” Phil says. He stands up and straightens out his pyjamas before settling down on the nearby sofa. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know who I want to be,” he says, gesturing at the web page open in front of him. “I’m too overwhelmed with options.”

“Hmmm. Well, I like that one,” Phil says, pointing at a sparkly blue dress that yeah, looks exactly like what Phil would like to wear if he ever did drag.

“It’s for me, not you, dummy. Unless you want to do drag too. You know, Adam asked about that. He agreed with me that you have a good face for it.”

“Awww, you like my face, Danny?”

“Maybe a little.”

Phil tilts his head. “Maybe I’d do drag one day. Could be fun. But mostly I think I’d just end up tripping over everything and everyone. And remember the disaster that was my Norman-inspired makeup look?”

“How could I forget?”

“Yeah, I’d be the actual worst drag queen. You’d have to call an ambulance because I’d be such a disaster.”

Dan snorts. “It’s probably for the best that I’m the one doing this, then. I like you in one piece.”

Phil continues to scroll through the website, occasionally pointing out things that he thinks would work. Some of them match with what Dan liked, which makes him feel better, like he’s on the right path.

“I just feel like nothing’s perfect, you know?” Dan says. “Like, I have this faint picture in my mind of what I want, of this really cool dress with like, an asymmetrical cut, and a cool collar, and a bunch of sequins and shit, but nothing’s like it on here. And I’m shit at sewing, so I don’t think I can just make it.”

“Maybe you could learn to sew. I bet Bryony would teach you if you asked.”

He’s right; she probably would. But Dan kind of wants to start practicing as soon as possible, and learning how to sew, and then having to make a dress by hand sounds like a lot of time and work.

“Maybe one day.” Dan scrolls back up and hovers his cursor over a black dress that they’d both liked. “What if I go with this one? Just to practice in, you know. Until I figure out more about what I want to look like, and then I can order other outfits.”

“I really like that one.” Phil looks excited. “It looks kinda witchy. You could be like Willow from _Buffy.”_

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” Dan knows that Phil still loves Willow, that seeing her character arc had a big impact on young Phil’s life.

He puts the dress in the shopping cart, and they continue to talk through the other bits of the look. They pick out a long, black wig and some platform heels, so that Dan at least has one full look he can play around with.

“You need to get makeup too,” Phil says.

Dan sighs. “Much as I’d like to order everything online, I think I need to go to the store and get it in person. I mean, look at this shit. How am I supposed to tell what looks good on me from just a picture?” He holds his arm up to the screen. “Is my skin tone more “light beige” or “warm ivory?”

“What the hell does “warm ivory” even mean?” Phil says with a laugh.

“No idea.”

“We could go out and buy some makeup today. Make a fun trip of it,” Phil says, and Dan’s stomach jolts with excitement and nerves. He nods.

At the end of it all, Dan’s got an online shopping cart full of drag stuff, and he’s so excited when he hits the ‘place order’ button. It feels like it’s Christmas Eve, knowing he’s about to get all of this cool stuff delivered soon.

He breathes out a sigh and closes his laptop. It’s done. He feels like he’s officially stepped over the threshold of drag now, and there’s no turning back.

“We can go to the store whenever you’re ready,” Phil says. “Just let me shower first. I don’t think London is ready to see me in these pyjamas.”

“Okay.” Dan watches him leave and feels anticipation course through his body.

\---

In a perfect world, he would have just bought it _all_ online, makeup included, like he does everything else. He fucking _loves_ that he has the ability to avoid awkward eye-contact with cashiers by placing orders online. He can just get all of his purchases shipped to his doorstep in a nondescript cardboard box, the postal worker none the wiser about what he’s bought.

Online shopping is truly a gift.

But he can’t do it with everything. Sometimes, he has to force himself to be proactive and go to the store. Like now. It’s just impractical to order five different colours of foundation in hopes that one will look okay on his face.

Dan is admittedly a little bit paranoid about going outside at the best of times. He’s talked it over with his therapist before, discussed if maybe his career has made him a little bit agoraphobic. It’s just stressful to know that he might be recognized and talked to any time he’s out in public.

But he knows from years of talking with his therapist that it’s not just his career that’s made him this way. He remembers too well how he would hide himself away in his bedroom when he was a teenager. Isolating himself with his PlayStation or laptop was simply easier than having to deal with his family, or having to go out into town and see the people who called themselves his friends.

Going outside has been a lot better since he and Phil have come out though. It’s easier to let himself be seen when he likes himself more. He likes his life, and he likes doing things out of the house with Phil and Bryony and his other friends. He can go to queer films, drag shows, and out on dates with Phil without having to make excuses for it.

But he goes outside today on higher alert than usual, because shopping for makeup is something he’s never done before.

Phil seems confident today, striding along the pavement with his arms swinging by his sides like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Dan knows that’s just the face he puts on when he goes out, that Phil worries just as much as he does, sometimes even more.

He remembers again that this is actually something Phil has done before, go out to the shops to buy makeup for himself. Admittedly, it was cheap makeup for a video that was a bit of a joke- Dan’s definitely not about to incorporate fucking _Sharpie_ into his drag makeup look. Still, Dan marvels in Phil’s ability not to overthink things, to not question what people are going to think if they see a man going to the store and buying loads of makeup for himself.

“You okay?” Phil asks, because he can read Dan too well.

Dan shrugs and folds his arms tighter into his body, in part to keep out the cold, but in part to soothe his nerves. “I guess.”

“I get it,” Phil says soothingly. “It’s ‘cause this is a new thing, right?”

“Yeah,” says Dan softly. _“Fuck._ It’s like, I really want to. I’m not afraid of the makeup part of it, you know that. But I’m scared of people seeing me buy it and having them judge me.” He chews on his lip. “Do you think I’ll ever be over these feelings, like I’m always doing something wrong?”

Phil nudges him with his shoulder, their little way of affection in public. “You’re working on it, right? With your therapist, and with actually trying to do stuff instead of letting your fear control you. I think that’s the best thing you can be doing.”

Dan looks over, and they share a smile. Phil’s nose is red with the cold, and Dan wants to kiss it right now, and Phil’s lips too. But they’re in public, and Dan’s used to waiting until they’re back home.

“Oh, I know!” Phil says. “Maybe we could get Starbucks after we go shopping, as a reward. Then you could think of that and not feel so stressed about other people the whole time. We haven’t had peppermint mochas yet this year, you know.” He looks hopeful, and Dan rolls his eyes. _This guy._ He’s _such_ a sucker for sugary seasonal drinks, and Dan knows that going to Starbucks afterwards is really more of a reward for Phil.

Still, it’ll help having a distraction in the form of something to look forward to. It always does.

“Deal,” he says. “But only if you pay.”

“But of course,” Phil says with a grin. As if they haven’t had a shared bank account for years now. Still, it’s fun to pretend sometimes.

The shop isn’t very busy. It’s a weekday, and the holiday rush doesn’t seem to have hit yet. It’s nice being more or less alone and not having to fight past hordes of other people.

Dan politely declines the friendly associate who asks if they need any help, and then panics, because the store is huge and brightly lit, and he doesn’t know where to start.

“Ooooh, look at this,” Phil says, already looking excitedly at palettes. “You should get this, Dan. Look, it’s all the colours of the rainbow. And there’s a dog on the box with a cute little Santa hat on. It’s like it was made for you.”

“Phil,” Dan says, trying and failing not to smile. “I’m not getting the first thing I see. Especially not just because it has a dog on it.”

“But- _dog,”_ says Phil, looking sadly down at the eyeshadow, and Dan’s suddenly thinking about what an ordeal going to an animal shelter with Phil will be. He’ll literally fall in love with every dog he lays eyes on and ask Dan why they can’t just bring them all home. Dan can’t wait for that day.

“We can consider the dog makeup. But let’s look at everything else first,” Dan says, as if they’re picking things out for Phil and not him.

It’s actually really fun shopping for makeup with Phil, Dan discovers. It wouldn’t have been half as fun if he had come here alone.

Dan has the natural tendency to completely overthink things, even things like this that are supposed to be enjoyable. He deliberates over foundations for a good twenty minutes, trying to decide which ones work best. It’s a good thing, sometimes. He’s less likely to make stupid errors when he thinks about things and takes his time.

But it’s not a good thing when he goes into a store with dozens of different decisions to make. That’s where Phil comes in.

Phil is impulsive and likes bright colours and glittery things. His energy is infectious, and even though Dan went into this store thinking about getting a lot of black and white makeup, he ends up with a basket full of makeup in all sorts of interesting colours.

Because yeah, Phil’s right, a bit of colour might be fun to try out. His drag persona doesn’t have to be all doom-and-gloom just because that’s been his own online persona for years. As a queen, he can be whoever he wants to be. Maybe his life _would_ be improved with glittery red lip gloss and bright blue eyeshadow.

Next to the eyeshadow is a bunch of fluffy brushes, which they spend far too long petting.

“Why is it so soft?” Dan whispers. “I’ve never felt something so soft before. It’s like an actual baby bunny.”

“That’s because it _is_ a baby bunny,” Phil whispers back conspiratorially. “Once upon a time, the makeup rabbit made a deal with the devil because she wanted to be beautiful. Now she has to sell her children as makeup brushes. It’s a very sad story.”

“I think you’ve just ruined makeup brushes for everyone in this store,” Dan groans, although they’re off in their own world where no one is paying them any attention. They’ve been here for an hour now, and he’s come to realize that no one really cares what these two gangly guys are doing looking through makeup. There’s other guys in this store too, including one of the cashiers, whose makeup is flawless.

Thank fuck for London, Dan thinks. He loves it here sometimes.

He gets several brushes, the kinds he remembers Adam using, and some blending sponges too.

While they’re waiting in line to check out, Phil finds a jar of rainbow sparkles and presents it to Dan, looking like he’s just found the Holy Grail.

“Dan! This is so pretty. We’re getting it.”

“What would I do with that much body glitter, Phil?”

“I dunno. You could wear it on your eyelids or something. But I was thinking we could wear it to Pride next year, actually.”

Dan’s heart starts beating a little faster at his words, imagining being at Pride with a glittery-faced Phil, walking next to him, and supporting a charity together.

“You gonna go this time?” he asks.

“I think so. It’d be a bit of fun, right? I haven’t been since I was at Uni.” Phil smiles over at him, and maybe this year’s made Phil braver too, just like it has Dan. The rainbow sparkles get put into their basket, because Dan’s weak for that smile.

They get Starbucks after, two peppermint mochas because Phil says that they’re good. It’s a bit sweet, Dan thinks - a perfect Phil drink - but it tastes like Christmas. It makes him feel very ready for winter.

“December’s going to be great this year,” Dan says as they’re walking home. He’s got his bag of makeup in one hand, and his hot drink in the other. The coffee’s keeping him nice and warm despite the chill in the air.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He takes a sip of his drink. “What if we had a holiday party at our house this year?”

“Really? That sounds like fun,” Phil says. “We actually have time to plan things like that now, don’t we?”

“I can’t even fathom a December that’s not editing hell,” Dan says. “It’ll be so nice. We can do something low-key and invite Bryony, Adam, and Gordon. Maybe we could even invite some of Adam’s drag friends once I meet them.”

“Okay, but you can only invite them as long as they’re not total jerks,” Phil says, elbowing Dan playfully. “And we could invite Martyn and Cornelia too.”

“Have you told them I’m gonna do drag?”

“Nope. Figured you’d want to do that. I think Cornelia’s DJed at a drag event before, remember? She’d think it’s super cool. But you know she’ll probably want to come to one of your shows. Speaking of which, you gonna invite me?”

Dan laughs. “Never. You’re never gonna see me perform, buddy.”

\---

Dan is so eager to try on his new makeup that he starts opening everything as soon as they get back home. Phil sits across from him at the table, sipping the remains of his mocha and watching him with amusement.

“Excited?”

“Just a bit. I’ve been watching videos for so long, that it’s going to be fun to actually try out this stuff myself.”

“You’re not doing a proper unboxing.”

“Sorry I’m not amusing enough for you. Here.” He rips open a package and puts on his danisnotonfire voice. “And here is a container of translucent powder. Top-notch. Great for setting makeup. Even better for making your friends sneeze.”

“Boring. I’ve already unsubscribed.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Well, just wait until I do my makeup for the first time. It’s gonna be hilarious to you, I bet.”

“I believe in you, Dan. You can do it.”

They end up moving to the bathroom, because Dan doesn’t want to make a mess of their kitchen table. He also wants a mirror, so that he can actually see what he’s doing.

Phil lingers behind him, watching him apply makeup to his face. “I didn’t know that there was so much stuff involved."

“Yeah. It takes a lot to look beautiful.”

“You look creepy right now, mostly.”

Dan glares at him, the effect ruined by the fact that he has no visible eyebrows. “I’m gonna look _great,_ just you wait.”

He kind of has no idea what he’s doing, and he’s just relying on what Adam taught him and all of the tutorial videos he’s watched lately.

It really could be going worse, though. Sure, his makeup is crooked as fuck and one of his eyes looks very different than the other. His foundation is patchy at best, and he still doesn’t really understand the highlights and shadows he needs to make his face look good.

But he’s trying his best, and he’s more than up for the challenge of learning. One day, his makeup is going to look as on-point as all of the other queens he’s seen. Plus, he’s got Phil next to him, joking with him. Today, he thinks he looks beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! This chapter was fun to write. :)
> 
> Reblog on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/189475758570/skqya6)


	7. Chapter 7

“For god’s sake, Dan, are you just playing the same song over and over again?”

Dan’s fingers pause over the piano keys from where he has indeed been attempting to sound out the theme from Wind Waker for the past hour. “Yes?”

“Can you, like - not?” Phil says, rubbing at his eyes behind his glasses. Dan knows that this is a sign that Phil has another of his many headaches. “I’m trying to edit, and you’ve been driving me mad all day, with this and all of your pacing earlier.”

“Sorry,” Dan says. “I didn’t know you had a headache. Have you taken some medicine?”

“Yeah. It’s just taking forever for it to kick in.” Phil sighs. “Shit. I’m sorry, Dan. I’m not trying to be mean.”

Dan stands and pulls him into a hug, rubbing his back comfortingly. “I know you’re not. I’ll get out of here and give you some peace and quiet, then.”

“I thought your piano lesson was at three?”

“Yeah, it is. But it’ll be nice to get outside. If I stay here, I know I’ll just start pacing around again.”

Phil squeezes him one last time and steps out of the hug. “For both of our sakes, I hope your drag stuff arrives soon so you can stop being so anxious about it.”

“At least it’s good anxious, right?”

“Right. And maybe when you get home, I’ll be less headache-y and whiny.”

“I hope so.”

Phil gives him a pained smile. “Have fun at your lesson, then. Tell the cats hi for me.” He says this every time, even though he’s never met Judy or her cats.

“I will. Feel better, bub.” Dan kisses him goodbye and gets his coat, making sure his Oyster card is still in the pocket before he heads outside. The rain of the past few days has let up, leaving the air damp and fresh. He breathes it in, and is actually glad that he’s gone out early.

It’s always been a bit of a running joke that Dan hates going outside, one of those jokes that’s been heightened through how many times it got repeated online. It was actually true during his worst years. Walking down all of those stairs of their old flat and being seen by other people was an actual nightmare. Staying in bed was far easier.

But honestly, the last few years, he’s found that he actually _does_ like being outdoors, exploring London or having a stroll around the park. It stops him from thinking so much. When he’s inside, sitting around, his thoughts catch up to him, and he worries more than he should.

It’s better these days. He’s calmer about almost everything, even the things that used to keep him up late at night, his overactive imagination convincing him that their new merch would fail, or that his family would disown him, or that Phil would suddenly decide that he despises him.

But IRL’s got the merch under control, and the new release has gone well. They’ve even sold out of the blankets that Dan’s worked for literal months on.

His family loves him.

And of course Phil loves him too. He supports him through everything, and so do his friends.

Hell, Dan’s actually starting to love himself for who he is, something he never thought was remotely a possibility. He’s living a peaceful life, doing things that make him happy instead of living his life for other people.

It would just be nice if his package of drag stuff would actually arrive. Dan’s been practicing makeup every day now, but he knows it’ll be so much better if he can practice with a full outfit on. He’s impatient as hell, driving himself crazy by thinking about the package’s imminent arrival, and that impatience is probably on Phil’s nerves too.

It’s nice being outside though, because he’s not spending every second listening for the doorbell to ring. It’s just him and the sound of his feet on the pavement as he walks through the park by their house. He exhales, his breath appearing in a puff of fog. He supposes that heading out early is more productive than pacing around and annoying Phil. They’ll both end the day in a much better mood.

\---

It’s cold outside, and he ends up arriving early at Judy’s house for once, unable to dawdle any longer. It’s okay though, because to his delight, her cat also greets him at the door. He bends down to pet the cat's soft fur, and she blinks up at him with her green eyes.

“Millie likes you,” Judy says, watching them. “It’s because you always pet her.” She cocks her head. “You’re a gentle lad, aren’t you? Good at taking care of things.”

“I suppose,” Dan says, scooping Millie up. She’s warm against his chest, and her long black fur tickles his nose.

“You and Phil have any pets, then?”

“Just a betta fish. Norman.” Dan smiles. “We’d love a cat, but Phil’s allergic. We’re going to get a dog soon, though. A little one, probably, one we can dote on.”

Judy chuckles. “Neil and I never wanted children, but we certainly spoil the cats like they’re our kids.”

“We already treat Norman like our child.”

She smiles. “Well, unfortunately, I think you’ll have to set Millie down if you want to practice piano today.”

“I think it would be more productive to just pet the cats for an hour instead,” he says, allowing Millie drop out of his arms to the floor. She blinks up at him.

For as antsy and distracted as he had been this morning, the lesson goes well. He’s not easily discouraged even when he makes mistakes, and he hits all the right notes of the song he’s been practicing.

“You’re playing beautifully today, Dan,” Judy says. “I think you’ve got that song down.”

“I think so too,” he says. “I’ve been practicing. Did I tell you me and Phil got a piano for the new house? It’s so great. It’s the first time I’ve had a real, in-tune piano to practice on.”

“It makes a world of difference doesn’t it?” she says, and he nods. “You settling in well, then?”

“Yeah. It’s perfect. I should show you pictures. We’re almost all unpacked.”

“I’m thrilled for you. It’s always exciting to get settled into a new place.”

She stands and gets a folder off her bookshelf. “How about a new song, then? You can take your pick, but I think any of these would be a good challenge for you to work on. We can work on your sheet music reading abilities.”

That’s been one of their focuses in these lessons. He’s honestly shit at reading music, even though he’s decent at playing. It’s been slow-going but he can read music now, something he’s proud of.

He takes the sheet music from her and thumbs through it. He doesn’t know any of these songs, until he reaches the last song. He pauses at it and laughs. It’s one of the songs he considered using for his coming out video - not that Judy knows that.

“I didn’t know classical music was so funny,” Judy says.

“No, it’s not. I just- I know this song from somewhere. It’s perfect. I’d love to be able to play this.”

“I love the enthusiasm,” she says, and they set about Dan sight-reading the piece.

It’s always been nice having these lessons with Judy. She gets him on a personal level, which is maybe why he’s gotten so much out of these piano lessons. He’d found a good match in her when he’d decided to pick up piano lessons again last year. Choosing someone had been daunting task- what if the new piano teacher was just as mean as the last one? Or what if the teacher thought it was weird that a nearly thirty-year-old guy wanted lessons?

She hadn’t been mean, and it hadn’t been weird, of course. And unlike most of the people he interacts with, she knows him and his personal life, but nothing about his career. To her, he’s not _the artist formerly known as danisnotonfire._

He’s just Dan, that tall young guy she sees once a week who’s interested in playing movie scores. He’s that guy who baby-talks to her cats, talks about his partner too much, and says that Judy reminds him of his own nana.

In a way, it really is like having a second Nana right here in London, one who’s only known him as a fairly functional adult. He feels like he’s finally building up that supportive community that he was missing as a child, and it feels good.

\---

Dan’s in a cheerful mood when his lesson is over. He feels calmer, like he won’t go home and annoy the shit out of Phil with his rambling piano playing and constant pacing around.

When he returns, it seems that Phil’s done for the day anyway. Dan’s glad; staring at the computer screen does nothing for Phil’s headaches. Instead, he’s sitting at the breakfast bar, one of their houseplants in front of him, carefully painting a watercolour portrait of it.

“Mister Cactus is getting his portrait painted, is he?”

“You’ve got me inspired, Dan,” Phil says. “You’re busy doing your creative thing, so I thought I’d do mine.”

“Ever thought about taking proper painting lessons?”

Phil chews on the end of the paintbrush. “No, but that’s actually a good idea. Reckon I could stand to learn something about art.” He holds up his clumsy painting, which looks childishly endearing.

“You should look for a studio,” Dan says, setting his bag on the breakfast bar stool next to Phil. “It’d help get you out of the house.”

Phil smiles. “Yeah. That’s a good idea.” He washes his paintbrush in the cup of water. “How’d piano lessons go then? Must’ve been good, if you’re encouraging me to go get painting lessons myself.”

“Yeah, it was good. And look what I’m playing now.” He digs his new sheet music out of his bag and shows Phil.

Phil laughs. “Life always comes full circle, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. I didn’t tell her where I knew it from, but it’s kinda cool, isn’t it? I’m excited to play it.”

“Play it for me now?”

“Nah, mate. I’m all pianoed out. Later though?”

“Sure.” Phil bites his lip. “Sorry I was a bit short with you earlier. I felt really bad after you left.”

“It’s okay. I know I’m annoying sometimes. Are you feeling better?”

“Loads. The medicine’s finally kicked in.”

“Good.”

“Oh yeah, and your package of drag stuff came while you were out.”

Dan stands up, his heart racing in excitement. _“Phil!_ Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I dunno! I just forgot.”

“You _know_ how excited I was about it. Where’d you put it?”

“It’s by the front door, actually. You must’ve walked right past it.”

Dan rolls his eyes but is secretly thrilled. Phil follows him to the front door, where he retrieves his package. It’s heavy; they must’ve packed everything into one box, and size 11 platform heels can’t be light.

“Where should I open it?” Dan says.

“Does it matter?” Phil asks. “Here.” He offers Dan a butter knife, which Dan uses to stab through the parcel tape.

The first thing inside the box is the dress he’d ordered. A thrill of excitement goes through him. He lets the dark, sparkly fabric flow through his fingers. It’s not a perfect dress; he feels like he’s going to refine his persona enough over time that this simple dress won’t suit him in a few months. But it’s enough to have it to practice in.

“It’s beautiful,” Phil says. “You should put it on.”

“What, like right now?”

“Yeah?”

Dan strips off, setting his shirt and jeans on the kitchen counter. It’s cold, so he quickly steps into the dress. It’s form-fitting until it hits his waist, and then it’s more flowing, the material stopping at his mid-thighs. He gives his hips a shake, and the fabric billows satisfyingly around his legs. He feels fancy.

“Is it weird to say that your dress looks comfy?”

Dan shakes his hips again. “It kinda is, actually. The material’s really silky.”

Phil touches the fabric of the dress and nods his approval. “I think it’d be nice to not wear jeans for once,” Phil says.

“That’s ‘cause you’re a nudist.” Which is kind of true, to be fair. Phil doesn’t wear proper clothes if he can help it. “C’mon. Let’s head upstairs. I want to do this properly.”

They head upstairs, Dan carrying the box. When they get to their room, he takes out the rest of the items he’d ordered, placing them neatly on the bed.

“I think I should do my makeup before I put on everything else,” Dan says. “I don’t want to get the wig all messy.”

“Sounds good,” says Phil, petting at the wig.

Dan heads into the bathroom. He’s been watching makeup tutorials since he bought all that makeup last week, sometimes heading upstairs to try out different looks on his own face. It’s all about exaggeration, boldness, and hyperfemininity, truly an art form. Watching these videos is like watching a painter turn a blank canvas into a work of art. Dan’s learning slowly - hell knows he’s not great at drawing or baking or anything artistic.

But with a bit of determination and practice, he knows that he can do it. If Adam can do it, so can he.

He picks a video on his phone of a look he’d tried a few days ago that was easy and looked pretty good for his current abilities. He proceeds to follow along with the person in the video, remembering the tips Adam had given him too.

An hour later, and he honestly kind of looks like a raccoon-clown, but he’s got a full face of makeup on, and he’s kind of proud of himself for figuring it all out.

He wanders out of the bathroom to find Phil lying on the bed, playing a game on his 3DS. He looks up when Dan enters the room, and puts his game down.

“Wow,” Phil says. “I like it! I like the dark lipstick. It looks really cool.”

“Thanks,” he says. He heads over to the bed and puts the heels on. Then he picks up the wig from the bed. He heads over to the mirror in the corner of their room and puts it carefully on his head. It’s long and black, and he really needs to learn how to style hair at some point, but he’s more concerned about the dress and the makeup today. And the straight black hair still adds to his aesthetic. He’s surprised. He actually looks kind of cool, he thinks.

He catches Phil’s eye in the mirror. He’s lying there on the bed on his stomach, his eyes wide, and he’s got a giant grin on his face.

“What?” Dan says.

“Nothing,” Phil says. “It’s just, holy shit, Dan. You’re a proper drag queen right now.”

“I know,” Dan says, honestly too excited to be self-deprecating. “How do I look?”

“Incredible.” Phil looks him up and down. “You look like frickin’ Morticia Addams or something with that wig on.”

“I want to learn how to curl it and do different hairstyles. But I just wanted to practice doing my makeup today.”

“I think you look really, really good, Dan. Like, with practice, I think you could be really, really good.”

He smiles, feeling warmed by Phil’s praise. “Thanks.”

“What’s your name, then? Like, what’s your personality going to be?”

“I haven’t really decided yet. On name or personality.”

Phil scrutinizes him. “Your name could be Wolf.”

Dan glares at him. “I’m a drag queen, not a furry, honey.” Maybe he’s already getting into character more than he thought, because the word _honey_ just slips out, despite them never using pet names like that with each other.

Phil grins. “It’s a tie to your last name, not a furry thing. I was thinking how Adam says he got ‘Autumn’ because that’s what his name sounds like in his accent. But I didn’t think you’d want to go with ‘Danielle.’”

“You’re right, I don’t. And I don’t want to be ‘Wolf’ either. I want to be someone completely different. I want her to be her own person.” He flips his hair over his shoulder, getting into character. “I want something sort of mysterious, but cool.”

“Wow, you’re so edgy, Dan.”

“I sound like a right edgelord twat, don’t I?”

“Yeah. There’s your name. ‘Edgelord Twat,’” Phil says, laughing so that his tongue sticks through his teeth.

“Shut up.” Dan’s also laughing, because this is a lot of fun, banting with his partner while wearing a dress and full makeup. “I don’t have to decide my name today anyway. Adam says that’s something that you can come up with as you decide on your persona.”

Phil’s eyes brighten. “Adam! I bet he’d love a picture of your first attempt at full drag.” He grabs his phone from the desk. “Strike a pose.”

They take a series of pictures. Dan poses dramatically, and they both giggle throughout the mini photoshoot.

He sends a few to Adam, who responds enthusiastically.

_Wow you look great Dan!!! Love the makeup ;)_

_thanks!_ Dan types back.

_Hey, I’m practicing with the other queens at my place on Saturday night if you want to come over and practice some more!_

Dan freezes for a second, suddenly brought back into the reality of how fucking scared he is at the notion of meeting Adam’s super cool drag queen friends and having them judge him for not being good enough.

But right now, he’s wearing three-inch heels. He’s wearing makeup and it actually looks half-decent. Right now, he feels brave.

_i’d love to,_ he texts back, and lets his phone fall to the bed so he can’t worry any more about it. He’s trying new things and being brave, and that’s really the best anyone can do.

He strides around the house for a while longer, Phil following him around, banting with him and making fun of him every time he trips over his own feet. Dan's not quite used to the feeling of being so tall in his heels. It's a weird sensation being this much taller than Phil, and he knows he's going to literally tower over everyone if he ever goes and performs in these heels.

Eventually, it’s time for dinner, and he’s not about to try eating with all of this makeup on. He doesn’t exactly think it’s healthy to ingest all the lipliner and lipstick he's currently wearing.

So he takes one last long look at himself in the mirror before taking his facial cleanser from the shelf and wiping his face clean. He puts the makeup back neatly in its case, zips it up, tucks it under the sink, and puts his new wig and dress into his wardrobe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/) :)


	8. Chapter 8

Despite trying his best not to feel anxious, Dan’s a bit of a nervous wreck on Saturday. He has about ten things he could be working on, but he goes between looking at his new drag stuff - as if making sure that it’s actually real and in his home - and pacing around the house. Sometimes, he plunks a few notes on the piano when he passes by, but he can’t bring himself to sit down and properly work on the new song he’s learning.

Finally, when he can’t take wandering around the rest of the house any longer, he heads into the lounge, where Phil’s playing Apex Legends.

“What’s up?” Phil asks from the sofa. He’s got mismatched socks and glasses on, and his squirrel-brown hair is a bit of a mess.

Dan could cry for how appealingly cozy and calm he looks right now. He just wants to bury down next to Phil and not move for a week, not have to think about anything, not have to force himself to talk to strangers tomorrow.

In an ideal world, he would be ready to take on any challenge life throws at him. He would be able to meet Adam’s friends right away and come across to them as a totally cool and casual person who wants to do drag, and not awkward, nerdy Dan who has no fucking idea how to walk in heels (even though he really wants to learn).

But being able to cuddle his favourite person in the world is the next best thing to living in an ideal world. Phil loves that Dan’s awkward and nerdy, because he is too.

And Phil doesn’t ask if he wants to talk, because he knows that Dan will talk if he needs to. He just lets Dan slide in next to him, practically on top of him. Dan watches as Phil collects a new weapon in the game and sneaks around the building he’s in. When Phil dies in the game five minutes later, he sets the controller aside and rearranges them so that they’re horizontal on the couch, Dan tucked against Phil’s chest.

“Rough day?” Phil whispers into his hair.

“Maybe a bit.” He closes his eyes and listens to Phil’s heartbeat, feels his warmth. “I love you so fucking much, you know that, right?”

“Of course I do. I love you too.” Phil squeezes him tight. “You’ve been pacing around a lot today.”

“Yeah. I dunno. I’m just nervous about tonight, I think. About meeting Adam’s friends.”

“Well, we like Adam, right? Isn’t there a universal rule that’s like, my friend’s friends are my friends?”

“I don’t think that’s exactly the phrase, Phil.”

“It’s true though. Adam wouldn’t be friends with people who are total dicks. And they’re not gonna judge you or be horrible to you. If they do, I’ll kick their asses.”

“But they’re drag queens. They can probably kick your ass while wearing heels.”

“See? You’re gonna have to get along with them so that I don’t have to have a high heel permanently implanted into my ass. Because that would make having sex really difficult and painful, I think.”

Dan laughs into Phil’s chest and scoots up to give him a kiss. “You’re ridiculous, and I love you.”

Phil strokes his hair. “I think it’s okay to be nervous. I think maybe that means you’re just excited. Is it, like, good nervousness, like how we would get before our shows?”

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Dan sighs. “I am excited to practice with them. It’s just, I’m also worried they’ll think I’m super lame and stupid for wanting to try.”

“They won’t,” Phil says. “And you’re not. Not at all.”

It’s what Dan’s been trying to tell himself all day. It’s what his therapist would tell him - acknowledge his feelings exist, but not let them spiral and create their own narratives that overshadow everything else that’s actually true.

And what’s true is that he’s never met these people before. Phil’s right; they’re probably perfectly lovely if Adam is friends with them.

He’s still worried though, his nerves churning his stomach at the memory of all the times he’s been in this position before, when he got his hopes up and people just ended up judging him and beating his spirit down.

“Hey,” Phil says, moving to sit up. Dan scoots over onto the other side of the couch. “What if we do something to distract you?”

“What, like fuck?”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Get your mind out of the gutter. I was thinking we could decorate the house for Christmas.”

Dan grins. That’s even better. “You’re on, mate.”

\---

They don’t have the tree yet; it’s set to be delivered on Monday by the same company they’ve used the past few years.

But Phil had recently gone overboard and ordered a big wreath for their front door, and tons of pine garland and fairy lights, excited at the thought of finally having a proper front porch to decorate.

Making the house festive puts them both in a good mood, and it definitely helps take Dan’s mind off of his anxieties about tonight. They put on a playlist of Christmas music that he finds on Spotify, and they decorate the lounge before moving outside.

“We should start planning our Christmas party soon too,” Phil says, as he finishes affixing the garland to the pillar on their front porch. “I can start asking around to figure out a day that works for everyone.”

“Well, this place looks festive as fuck now, so our friends better appreciate it when they come over,” Dan says, stepping back to admire their handiwork. It looks like a properly decorated house you’d see in a Christmas movie.

“I feel super ready for Christmas now,” Phil says. “Why don’t we call this finished and make some hot chocolate?”

\---

The conversation with Phil must have helped, because Dan isn’t nearly as anxious the rest of the afternoon. He’s still nervous on his Uber ride over to Adam’s place, but at least he’s not having a full existential crisis about it. And he is legitimately excited to officially meet these people Adam’s talked about for a long time.

He watches the lights of the city pass by, London slowly getting ready for Christmas. The Uber driver stops outside of Adam’s block of flats, and Dan thanks her before grabbing his bag of drag stuff and exiting the car.

When he knocks at the door, it’s answered by Gordon, Adam’s boyfriend.

“Hey, Dan! Adam told me you were coming over. Come on in.” He leads Dan in and closes the door behind him. “Want anything to drink?”

“Water would be great.” He watches as Gordon pours him some water from the tap. “You sticking around?”

“‘Course! It’s a free drag show, mate. Why wouldn’t I want to watch?” He hands the glass of water to Dan. “Tell Phil he’s welcome to come along with you if he wants. Sid comes along with his boyfriend sometimes. It’s like a little party.”

Just then, Adam emerges from the other room, followed by a tall person. Both of them are half in drag makeup. Another guy with shoulder-length dark hair comes behind them, though he’s not in drag yet.

“Dan!” Adam says. “So glad you could make it. Ladies, this is Dan.”

“Lovely to meet you, darling,” says the queen who’s half in drag, offering a hand for Dan to shake. “I’m Miss Ruby Heart.”

“And I’m Sid,” says the long-haired guy, also extending his hand. “Sydney when I’m in drag, so it’s pretty easy to remember.”

“Autumn’s told me a lot about you,” Ruby says. “Do you have a drag name yet?”

Dan smiles sheepishly. “I haven’t really thought of one yet, so I guess you can just keep calling me Dan for now.” He doesn’t know if that’s weird, but the others just nod.

“Are you going to be joining us in drag today?” Sid says, eyeing Dan’s bag.

“Er-” Dan mumbles.

“You don’t have to, but trust me, we’d have a lot of fun if you did.” Adam puts his hand on Dan’s shoulder and smiles at him gently. Dan hasn’t told him directly that he’s nervous, but maybe Adam picked up on it from all of the texts Dan has been sending him, or the hesitancy in his voice. Whatever it is, he’s glad in this moment to have Adam as a friend, feels like he’s looking out for him.

“I can even help you with your makeup if you want,” Ruby says, patting Dan’s cheek. “I know my shit, and I bet I could help you out. Give you some tips, make you even prettier than you already are.”

“You know what?” Dan says. “Yeah, I’ll do it.”

\---

Thirty minutes later, and Dan’s got half a face of makeup on, and he’s laughing along with a funny story that Sydney just told. She and Ruby are hilarious, and Dan slowly feels himself calming down. His palms are still a little sweaty, and he still wants to impress them and have them think that he’s cool.

But at the same time, it’s as if he doesn’t have to explain his eccentricities to them, not in the way he’s had to in other social situations. He doesn’t have to spend his time waiting for an opportune moment to casually come out to them. He doesn’t have to explain his recent fascination with drag culture.

After all, they’re also spending their Saturday night clustered around a mirror in a small bathroom, turning themselves into over-the-top caricatures of women. They sass each other around, sure, but about things like crooked wigs, not about personality flaws. Dan being a lanky, gay nerd is the last thing that he has to worry about in this space.

Ruby gets done with her makeup first, and as promised, she helps Dan out with his makeup. He’s already got his foundation on, but he’s struggling to remember what comes next to makes his eyes look nice.

“What sort of look are you going for, honey?” Ruby asks, scrutinizing his face.

“I’m trying to work that out,” he says. “I’m kinda torn between a theatrical, artsy look, and a black-and-white, sorta gothic look. Maybe with some pops of colour?” He stares at himself in the mirror. “I just don’t know enough about makeup to know what I really want or, like, what would even look good on me.”

“Hmmm. I think I have an idea of something that could work for you,” Ruby says, and she gets to work.

Dan knows from Adam that Ruby’s been doing drag for almost a decade now, and it shows in how deftly she applies makeup to Dan’s face. Like Adam did that first time, she explains what she’s doing, and makes sure that he understands. Unlike Adam, she does one half of his face, and then has him copy along on the other half of his face.

“I feel like I’m going to look very crooked when this is all done,” he says, as he tries to copy the exaggerated winged eyeliner that she’s just shown him how to do.

“Nonsense,” she says. “You’re doing a bang-up job. Give yourself some credit.”

The other two chime in when they have something to add, but mostly they’re just having fun together, talking about the next show they’re performing in, and about other drag queens who perform at the same bar they do. Dan recognizes some of the names from when he went to go see them perform all those weeks ago.

While he’s getting made up, he admires how good Ruby’s makeup is. She’s gone with bold colors- bright red lipstick, and blue eyeshadow. Her fake eyelashes are thick and so long that they touch her cheeks, reminding Dan of butterfly wings.

It’s a strangely intimate process, getting made up by someone. It’s something that he hadn’t really noticed when Adam had put makeup on him. But then again, he’s known Adam well for years. He’s used to him being in his space.

But to have someone he just met less than an hour ago hovering over him, touching his face, and staring at him is something that he’s unfamiliar with. He doesn’t let himself get physically close to many people. And this right here is intimate non-romantic human connection. Dan has to suppress himself from shivering.

“I think we’re done,” Ruby says, watching as Dan applies the finishing touches. “You look fantastic.”

Dan looks in the mirror. His eye makeup is extended further past his eyes than it has been in the past, making them look bigger. His eye shadow is green, something he hasn’t tried before, but it looks unexpectedly good.

“It’s weird,” he says. “I feel like I look so different every time. Like, Adam helped me once, and then I’ve been doing it on my own from online tutorials, and now with you. I didn’t know my face could look so many different ways.”

“That’s the magic of makeup,” she says, smiling at him. “You can be someone totally new and gorgeous, no matter what you do.” She offers him a hand. “Come on, honey. Let’s go turn this place up.”

In the living room, Autumn and Sydney are already poking through Autumn’s phone, looking for a playlist. They both look up when the other two enter the room.

“I like your dress, Dan. It’s very you,” Autumn says. “Though I figured you’d go for something a bit, I dunno, weirder, since you’re really into wearing all of those weird clothes when you’re not in drag.”

“I just got this one to start with. And my clothes aren’t _weird,_ they’re _fashionable,”_ Dan says, like he’s said to Phil every single week of his life, and the other queens laugh.

“Spoken like a true queen,” Sydney says.

“Which song do you want to practice first, Ruby?” Autumn says. We can’t decide between the Christmas one and the Spice Girls one.”

“We need to practice more for the holiday show more. It’s next week already.”

“Right.” Autumn presses a song on her phone, and ‘Christmas Wrapping’ by the Waitresses starts playing through the speakers. Dan sits down next to Gordon and watches as the three drag queens in front of him work on their choreography for the song.

Sydney seems to be the best dancer of the three by far, and she puts herself in charge. She has a vision, and she’s good at getting it across to the other two. It’s fascinating to see them at work, occasionally pausing to discuss.

For some reason, Dan had expected this to be like Drag Race, because that’s really the only reference he has to drag culture. But even when the queens are throwing shade at each other (“I swear you dance like you’ve never worn heels before, Autumn!”), they’re never so mean that they’re tearing each other down. It’s the sort of banter that Dan’s used to having with Phil and his other close friends. It feels familiar and welcome, something he’s not afraid of.

Once they’ve run through their holiday dance routine several times, Autumn pulls Dan off the sofa. “Why don’t you give it a shot? We’ll put on a different song, and we can have a little dance-off.”

Dan swallows back the overwhelming panicked thoughts of _oh my god I can’t dance to save my life,_ and says, “You’re gonna regret this. I’m gonna outdance all of you bitches.”

“You sure about that?” Sydney says, turning on a different song. Dan doesn’t know it, but it’s upbeat, something good to dance to.

They proceed to have a little dance-off. Dan stumbles a few times, but the others guide him along, teaching him how to strut and dance in high heels without breaking his ankles. He’s in platform heels and feels like an actual giraffe (albeit a gorgeous one). He’s somehow still the tallest one in the room. He can’t imagine how Sydney’s managing to do this in such tall, thin heels.

Once Dan gets used to it though, it’s actually really freeing. It’s like it doesn’t matter that he’s a shit dancer who doesn’t really have rhythm. He and Autumn can be shitty dancers together and have fun doing it.

Gordon, their only audience member, sits there on the sofa with a giant grin on his face, applauding and cheering after every song, and laughing whenever someone says something funny. Whenever Dan looks over at him, he pictures Phil sitting there too, matching expression, looking so pleased and proud of Dan. It makes him feel light on his feet, like he’d do anything just to make see that smile. He’s going to dance in heels when he gets home, he thinks, and impress Phil by not falling on his face or breaking his ass.

\---

It feels like no time at all has passed by the time they’re all in Adam’s bathroom again, wiping off their makeup and putting their wigs back in their bags. It’s a strange feeling, watching Sydney return to Sid, and Ruby return to Craig. They’re both so glamorous in their makeup that it’s almost a shock to look in the mirror and see that they’re just two average-looking guys, just like him.

“You should come to the holiday show, Dan,” Sid says as he sweeps his hair up into a ponytail. “It’s so much fun. We raise money for charity and have loads of fun doing it.”

“Someone always sings, ‘All I Want for Christmas is You,’” Adam says, raising an eyebrow. “I know Phil will be all over that. You can bring him along too.”

Dan laughs. “He does like his Mariah. We’d love to come.”

“It’s too bad it’s so close, else I’d say you could perform in it too,” Craig says, and the thought of performing in front of hundreds of people in drag is simultaneously thrilling and terrifying to Dan. Maybe it’s for the best that he can’t perform in this upcoming Christmas show, though he doesn’t tell that to Craig.

“Maybe the next show,” he says instead.

\---

“How was it?” Phil asks excitedly, putting down the Switch controller. It looks like he’s kept himself awake playing video games, though he’s wearing his horrible emoji pajamas, and his eyes look tired behind his glasses.

“Fucking incredible,” Dan says. “I met the other two queens, Sydney and Ruby, and they’re so cool. They helped teach me more about putting on makeup, and dancing, and walking in heels. I felt like they understood me, you know? Like maybe they could be good friends one day, just like Adam.”

“That’s great, Dan.”

“And Gordon was there. He says you should come next time, and you two can hang out and watch us practice.”

“I’d love to.” They exchange a smile.

“Here, I’m gonna show you how good I can walk,” Dan says. He takes the heels out of his bag and puts them on. It’s not quite the same when he’s wearing skinny jeans and a striped jumper, but he strides around their living room, one foot sweeping in front of the other, trying his best to look elegant.

He’s actually succeeding at it too, until he accidentally stumbles over the rug and crashes face first into the sofa.

“Jesus fucking christ on a boat,” Dan says, prying himself up and laughing so hard that his stomach hurts.

“You can _walk really good now,_ can you?” Phil says, in an imitation of Dan’s voice. He’s also laughing really hard.

“Shut up. I’m gonna be a great drag queen,” Dan says, hovering over Phil.

“You are,” Phil says. His laughter is fading but he’s looking up at Dan with warmth in his eyes. “You’ve got glitter on your cheeks. And your eyelids. It’s really sparkly.” He reaches up and runs a finger along Dan’s cheekbone, right under his eye. His touch is soft and gentle, and it sends warmth straight down to Dan’s belly.

In response, Dan moves his head to the side and gives Phil’s palm a little kiss, maintaining eye contact the entire time. He feels Phil shiver eagerly beneath him before pulling Dan down and more firmly on top of him. Dan hums into his mouth happily when their lips meet, and he wriggles forward so that he’s lying properly on top of Phil. He lets his legs fall over the side of the sofa, because he’s still got his heels on, and he’d be loathe to get their furniture dirty by putting his shoes on it. Phil probably wouldn’t care, but Dan has standards.

They make out for a while, in a way that they don’t usually, because it’s just more fun to get right to the part where they’re reaching into each other’s pants. But making out feels good too, feeling Phil’s tongue against his, and having Phil’s hands stroking over his shoulder blades and down his back.

Today, Phil seems obsessed with pressing kisses all over his face, not just on his lips, but on his cheeks, and along his jawline, up to his forehead and down to his earring. Dan doesn’t ask- his head is too full of pleasant fog to particularly care why Phil is doing what he’s doing, just so long as it keeps feeling as good as it does.

When Phil finally pulls back from the kiss, his lips are red, and he’s got a few specks of glitter on his own face now. It makes Dan want to cover him in glitter because he’s just so _pretty._

“Wanna go to bed now?” Phil says, his voice so fucking deep.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” Dan pushes himself up off of Phil, kicking off the heels in the process. He should really pick them up and put them somewhere that’s not their lounge floor, but he can’t be arsed right now when Phil is holding his hand and looking at him like _that._

They make their way upstairs, hand in hand, shedding a few layers of clothing once they reach their room, until they fall onto their bed in their pants, Phil on top of Dan this time. It’s good, insistent but still as slow and sweet as it was on the sofa downstairs.

“I kinda want you to fuck me right now,” Phil mumbles in between kisses.

“What, seeing me wearing heels is hot, is it?”

“I dunno,” Phil says, as verbose as he always is when he’s turned on. “I just think you’re really hot, mostly.”

“I’m _hawt,”_ Dan says in an exaggerated American accent, which makes Phil descend further into giggles. They’re both laughing too much to be able to kiss properly now, but that’s all right, because the best kind of sex is the fun kind, where they can be themselves and have fun together and make each other feel good.

The best kind of sex is the kind where things aren’t perfect.

It’s not perfect when Dan squeezes out too much lube and has to go running naked into their en suite to get a towel so that they don’t have to change their bedsheets afterwards.

When Phil starts riding Dan with so much enthusiasm that his glasses slip off his nose and hit Dan right in the face, making them both have to pause because they’re laughing too much.

When they have to change positions when Phil gets a leg cramp. And when they have to change positions _again,_ even after Dan flips him over onto his back, because Phil complains that Dan’s not hitting the right spot. Dan calls him needy and whiny, and then repositions them around yet again, which makes them both gasp because _oh,_ that _is_ a lot better.

When it’s not like the movies and they don’t come at the same time, and Dan has to put in a bit of extra work to finish Phil off (though neither of them are complaining about that last one).

Afterwards, once they’ve cleaned off with the towel and their breathing has returned to normal, Dan snuggles into Phil’s side, petting at his chest hair.

“I’m worried that now you think I have some weird, secret kink for you in heels,” Phil says. His voice is deep and slow with sleepiness.

“I’d be fine if you did. It wouldn’t be the weirdest kink either of us have.”

“But I don’t, not really. Not that you don’t look good in them. I mean, you’re _Dan._ You’d be hot in a neon orange potato sack.”

“That’s the next look I’m trying out, for sure.”

“But I think it’s more that it’s great seeing you so confident and happy and enjoying yourself and what you’re doing. Going out and doing things just ‘cause you think they’d be fun. I can’t really explain why I think it’s hot. I just do.”

“I think _you’re_ hot.”

“Sap.”

“Dork.” He sighs and curls himself further into Phil. He’s still a bit sweaty from fucking Phil, but the air is cold outside their duvet, and he wants to be warm. “I love you, you know. So much. I’m glad you support me.”

Because he knows that not every gay guy would want to date a drag queen. Ruby told him that she’s been rejected by numerous guys once she told them that she performed in drag, which is total bullshit.

“I’d support you no matter what,” Phil says sleepily, like it’s the truest thing on earth, and Dan knows it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/) :)


	9. Chapter 9

By some Christmas miracle, their tree actually gets delivered by a guy in a kilt this year. He has a rugged beard and looks proper Scottish. His muscles bulge in his flannel shirt as he carries their tree into their lounge and helps them set it up in their tree stand.

And Phil… well, Phil blushes from the moment he answers the door to the moment Kilt Guy leaves. He’s normally able to remain composed, even when he’s socially anxious, but sometimes when there’s a hot guy in his presence, he just freezes like this.

It’s fucking hilarious to watch. Dan used to get really jealous when this would happen (and he’d be lying if he said he _never_ got jealous. Sometimes, when his brain is acting up, it convinces him that Phil would really leave him).

But today, it’s just funny, because of course Phil’s not going to leave him for Kilt Guy. Or if he _did_ decide to romance Kilt Guy, he’d take Dan with him, and they’d have a hot threesome with Kilt Guy, and live happily ever after in his lumberjack cabin in a Christmas tree forest.

But that’s all in his imagination, and soon, Kilt Guy is gone from their house, leaving him to tease Phil relentlessly about his new crush for the rest of the afternoon.

“I can’t believe you kept stuttering,” he says, poking Phil’s side before bursting into another round of laughter.

Phil glares at him, until he cracks a grin of his own. “Okay. I did stutter. But he was really hot. Even you can admit that, Howell.”

“Yeah, ‘course I can. Except now I’m starting to think you just like a guy who’s not wearing trousers. Kilt, dress, it’s all the same for you, isn’t it?”

“I mean,” Phil says, his ears turning red, and Dan gives him some mercy by kissing him on the mouth.

After getting the tree into place, they spend the afternoon hunting down the box of Christmas ornaments, which must have gotten misplaced in the move. They finally find it in their spare bedroom, where they’ve been keeping all of their other crap.

Decorating the tree is fun, and it definitely puts Dan into a festive mood. While they decorate, they’re able to talk about the party they’re going to throw in a few weeks. Phil’s already texted everyone they want to invite, and they’re trying to narrow down the best day.

“Oh yeah, Autumn and the others invited me to their Christmas charity drag show this weekend,” Dan remembers suddenly, after Phil mentions texting Adam. He can’t believe he forgot about it until now, although he supposes that they were too distracted when he came home from Adam’s house for him to remember to tell Phil about it.

“That sounds fun,” Phil says. “Did you want to go?”

“Yeah.” It’s easy to say, so much easier than the first time Adam invited them, when Dan had debated with himself for hours about what saying yes would mean. Now he knows what it means: an enjoyable night out with friends.

Phil smiles. “Great. I’d love to go too. That first drag show we went to was so much fun.”

“Yeah. It really was.”

“Is Bryony going this time too?”

“I dunno. Adam didn’t say. But we could ask her - I’m sure she’d love to come along again.”

Phil glances over at him from where he’s pulling ornaments out of a box. “Are you going to start performing eventually, or is this just something you want to do as a thing at home and in Adam’s living room?”

“Yeah, I want to perform someday,” Dan says. “It’s just fucking terrifying, you know?”

Phil looks thoughtful as he moves to hang a little polar bear ornament on the tree. Dan recognizes it as the one from their first Christmas together.

“Lots of things are terrifying, I reckon,” he eventually says. “And I wish they weren’t.”

“Like what?” Dan asks.

“Just life stuff.” Phil sighs. “Is it weird that I’m really scared of next year?”

“Next year, like what, finishing your script?”

“Yeah. That, and YouTube, and, well, everything really. I don’t know for sure what I’m going to do.”

Dan gets it, he really does. Honestly, thinking about going back to YouTube himself scares the shit out of him. He’s not sure what he’s going to do next year either.

Phil bites his lip and continues, “I know I’m on, like, this _quest_ to do new things and be relaxed, but I’m actually terrified half the time.”

Dan reaches over and puts a comforting hand on Phil’s foot, the closest part of him he can reach. “Me too. And I think that’s okay. Doing new things is fun, but that doesn’t mean it can’t also be scary.”

Phil nods, and they’re quiet for a while, because they’ve known each other for so long that silence is okay.

Dan takes another ornament from the box. It’s the penguin, the one whose beak falls off if they don’t handle it gently enough. He makes it kiss the polar bear ornament that Phil just hung up.

“I think you’re going to do great things this new year,” he says quietly. “No matter what it is you do.”

“I think you will too, Dan.”

“And we’re going to do things even though they scare us.”

“Yeah. ‘Cause life’s too short to be afraid.” Phil smiles at the penguin, a bit sadly, and Dan knows he’s thinking of the uni friend he lost, and his grandma, and of his dad’s cancer treatments, and everything else that’s made him sad. “So even though I don’t know if my script’s ever going to get made into anything, or that YouTube will still be relevant in ten years, I can at least try, can’t I?”

“I think that’s the best way to live.” Dan hangs the penguin up right next to the polar bear. They’ll keep each other company throughout the Christmas season, until they’re returned once again to the box.

“I was also thinking of what you said a few days ago. I think I’m gonna sign up for painting classes next year. It could be a bit of fun, don’t you think? Get me out of the house a bit.”

“I think that would be great, Phil.”

“Yeah.” Phil looks over at the wall, where several of his better watercolours are hanging. “Maybe then I could go up north and paint with my dad and not totally embarrass myself.”

“I think your dad would like that.” It’s a sweet image, Phil and Nigel out on the cliffs of Man, easels and paint brushes in hand. Dan loves how much Phil wants to spend time with his parents.

They continue to decorate the tree to perfection. It’s a pretty tree and it looks really good in the place that they’ve put it. Their new home is properly decorated for Christmas now, ready for them to host a proper party.

“But even though I’m nervous for next year, I remember this year and think of how amazing it was,” Phil says after a while. “So mostly, I think I’m _excited_ for next year.”

“I am too.”

Phil smiles over at Dan. “I’m proud of you, you know. I know I’ve probably said that a lot, but, like, you’re out there, meeting new people and trying new things. You know that when you decide you’re ready to perform in front of an audience, I’ll be there in the front row, cheering you on the loudest.”

“I know you will, you dork.”

“I’ll wear a shirt that says, ‘Dan’s Biggest Fan.’ Or like, whatever your drag name ends up being. Then you can dedicate your performance to me and dance just for me. It’ll be really romantic.”

“You’re the peak of romance, Phil Lester.” Dan bites his lip. “I want that. I _really_ want that, to just be able to say fuck it, put me up on that stage and let me improv the whole thing.”

“Why don’t you, then?”

“Mostly ‘cause I’m fucking terrified of falling on my ass and not being funny at all, and having people just stare at me blankly.” The thought of blank stares, of people just not understanding him, scares him more than anything. He’s not sure why.

“Everyone starts somewhere,” Phil says. “We were terrified of that for our stage shows, remember?”

Dan nods. “Yeah. I just feel like I should practice more first. I hate that I’m such a bloody perfectionist about everything.”

“Remember when we went to the last drag show? We saw some queens who’d been at it for a long time, and some who were performing in, like, their second show. They weren’t the best yet, not perfect, but it didn’t matter ‘cause they were still entertaining.”

“I suppose.”

“People are gonna love you, Dan. Autumn and the other two did, right? They didn’t stare at you blankly.”

“Yeah.” Dan sighs. “But you’re right, I don’t even have a name yet. I can’t go onstage and have them fucking call me _Daniel._ And I don’t really even have a dress that I think suits me. I mean, the one I have is fine enough. I’ll wear it, but I just know there’s clothes that are more her out there. I just don’t feel anywhere near ready yet.”

“Well, you’re not gonna be performing in the December show, right? You have time. And I can help you come up with a name. We can have a proper brainstorm session again. C’mon.” Phil offers his hand to Dan, and they both stand up.

They haven’t had a brainstorm session in quite a while. It feels almost nostalgic to hear Phil say those words. They used to do it to come up with ideas for the gaming channel, or for their stage shows. Sometimes, Phil will ask Dan for an idea, but they haven’t sat down officially since last year.

Phil leads him over to sit at the breakfast bar, and Dan feels nostalgic for their Manchester days, like he always does when he sits here. He wonders if that feeling will ever fade, if he’ll ever not think about the days of properly living with Phil for the first time, the awkwardness and joy and wonderfulness of being in each other’s space 24/7.

They would have brainstorm sessions there too, for things not quite as big as stage shows or the gaming channel, but for what they should order for dinner, or how Phil’s next video should be, or which story time video Dan should do next. It feels the same now, not quite so high-stakes, and yet just as high-stakes as deciding pizza toppings back then.

There’s a little reindeer figurine sitting there on the breakfast bar, the silver one that his mum gave him for Christmas a few years back. Phil must’ve put it there when they were digging through the decorations.

“So what’ve you been thinking?” Phil says. He’s even grabbed the pad of paper that they always use during brainstorming sessions. He’s taking this as seriously as anything, and Dan loves him for it. “I know you don’t want it to be anything like your real name. I’m still upset you’re not going with ‘Wolf,’ by the way.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Part of the problem is, I don’t really know who I want her to be. I thought at first, maybe I wanted to be someone dark and mysterious and do black and white makeup looks. But then I bought all of that colourful makeup, and as it turns out, maybe I actually fucking love colour.”

“Awww, Dan. Is this personal growth I’m seeing?”

“Shut up, rat. Maybe it is. I just realized I don’t want her to be a brooding asshole just like me. I want to live and have fun with this, even if I do it in a black dress.”

“You want to start living the next chapter of your life?” Phil asks.

“Right.” He stares down at the blank paper in front of them. It’s like he suddenly can’t think of any names.

He watches as Phil looks around the room, at the holiday decorations. Eventually, his eyes land on his own feet, which are covered in his slightly odd planet socks. “What about something to do with the moon or stars or space?”

It’s not a bad idea, really. Dan likes space. “Like a constellation or something?”

“Yeah. A lot of constellations sound like drag queen names, don’t you think?” Phil says. “Aquarius? Gemini? Hmmmm, Ursa Major? Big Dipper?” He can’t get through saying the last one without laughing, and Dan snorts.

“There’s no way in hell I’m calling myself ‘Big Dipper’ or ‘Ursa Major,’ sorry, buddy. And there’s already a drag queen called Aquaria.”

Phil pulls out his phone. “Let’s let our overlord Google help us out then.” Dan watches him type out _star related girl names._

“Venus? Ophelia? Oooh, did you know that Cordelia is one of the moons of Uranus?”

Dan makes an unattractive sound. “I’m torn between judging you for clearly wanting me to be a Buffy character, and making a joke about Uranus.”

“Way to be immature, Daniel.”

“Hey, I didn’t actually make the joke. Also, I’d actually consider using the name Cordelia if it weren’t so close to our sister-in-law’s name.”

“So picky,” Phil says, rolling his eyes and looking back down at his phone. “What about Nova, then? Or Aurora, or Luna?”

“Luna?” Something sparks in Dan at that. Nova and Aurora are both nice enough names, but something about Luna resonates with him. It’s a simple name by itself, but he thinks it works. The name sits nicely in his brain, reminding him of Luna from Harry Potter, and of the moon.

“Yeah, do you like that?”

He nods. “I like it a lot. And maybe my full name could be, like, a play on ‘lunar eclipse.’ You know, because of the ‘lips’ pun. That sounds drag queen-y, right?”

Phil smirks. “I do like your lips, with makeup and without.”

“I know you do, dork.” Dan leans over and gives him a quick kiss.

“So is that it, then? Is that gonna be your name?”

Dan shrugs, the perfectionist in him rearing its head yet again. “Maybe we should go through the rest of the list though, just to be thorough.”

They do, and multiple other lists of names too, plus a drag queen name generator. But Dan is still stuck on Luna. It sounds _right_ in his mind.

So when Phil offers to pull up another list of names to go through, Dan shakes his head.

"I think we've found my name, Phil," he says. "I think I want her to be called Luna Eclipse. Or something like it."

“I think it’s beautiful,” Phil says, setting down his phone. “It’s very you, Dan.”

“I think so too,” Dan says.

He might not be ready to perform in front of a crowd yet, but doing this - finally having a name to call himself in front of other drag queens, a name that's not _Daniel_ \- does put his mind at ease. It’s just another step towards him finally doing this, and it’s oddly freeing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, some Christmas subplots would be fun!” I told myself a few months ago when I started plotting and writing this chapter (and the next few). Hope you’re not all sick of holiday stuff now that it’s January. :P At least this Phil finally got his wish of having a kilted man deliver his Christmas tree.
> 
> Reblog on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/190066091150/skqya9) <3


	10. Chapter 10

Saturday night comes, bringing a storm with it. Dan bundles himself up and ducks into the back of the Uber with Phil and Bryony in tow. He’s glad he doesn’t have to walk all the way to the nearest tube station in this weather.

The driver stops in front of the bar, and they all climb out, pulling their hoods up and darting inside. The bar is already filling up rapidly, and the energy is electric, even compared to last time. There’s already two drag queens strutting around, collecting donations in Christmas stockings.

The three of them they make their way through the crowd to the bar. They have loads of festive options available since it’s a holiday show, and Phil immediately orders the sweetest-looking drink on the menu, some peppermint abomination. After some careful consideration, Dan selects a cranberry martini.

“Ooooh, a martini? So classy,” Phil says, already sipping on his drink, since he hadn’t taken five minutes to decide. There’s an actual mini candy cane hooked onto the side of his glass.

“Anything’s classy compared to your glass of sugar.”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” Phil says, profering his glass, because they always taste each other’s drinks.

“Oh, it doesn’t taste like toothpaste,” Dan says in surprise.

Phil rolls his eyes. “‘Course not, you weirdo. Who’d want to drink toothpaste?”

The bartender slides Bryony’s and Dan’s drinks over to them, and they start to look for Gordon, who they were meeting here.

“Oh, he’s over there,” Bryony says, pointing at a table fairly close to the stage, where Gordon is sitting with a blond, bearded guy. He waves them over when he sees them.

“Hey guys! Glad you could make it.”

“I like your Santa hat,” Phil says.

“And I like your jumper,” Gordon says, pointing to Phil’s festive dinosaur jumper.

“See, Dan? _Someone_ thinks it’s proper night out attire.”

Dan rolls his eyes fondly, because it’s clearly _not_ (even though Phil had tried his very best to convince him that the T. rex was in fact a drag queen, and the gift that she was carrying was actually some tea that was ready to be spilled. It was the worst thing Phil had said all day).

“This is Sid’s boyfriend, Malcolm,” Gordon says, gesturing at the blond guy next to him. “And this is Dan, Phil, and Bryony. Adam’s known them since forever.”

“Hey,” Malcolm says, holding out his hand for them to shake. “You’re the one Sid met last week at Adam’s place, right?”

“Yeah,” Dan says. “Sydney’s a really good dancer.”

“She should be. Sid studied musical theatre at uni. He works at a cafe now, but he always says that at least he’s using his degree for something, right?”

Dan laughs and refrains from making a joke about his own failed law degree, and they all settle down, sipping their festive cocktails. Dan’s martini is smooth, fruity, and slightly sour, with green sugar around the rim. It looks festive as fuck, just like the rest of the bar.

Phil eventually slides off into a conversation about video games with Gordon and Malcolm - one that Dan hasn’t played yet - leaving Dan and Bryony to talk on their side of the table. It’s nice having one-on-one time with her, and makes Dan realize that he hasn’t spent nearly enough time with her lately, what with moving house and getting into drag.

“I’ve missed you,” he says.

“You’ve been busy, I get it,” she says kindly, taking a sip of her own festive drink.

“That’s not really a good excuse. It’s not like last time, when we were out of the country on tour and literally couldn’t meet up.”

“Bullshit. It’s not making excuses if you really are busy. But I do expect you to go on more friend-dates with me now that you’re all settled into your house and everything.”

Dan smiles. Bryony never lets him get away with his self-deprecatory bullshit. “Deal. Now tell me everything that’s new with you.”

“I’ve gotten a lot of quilting done lately, actually. Here, I’ll show you.” She gets out her phone and shows him pictures she’s taken of her latest quilting project. “It’s for my niece. She loves dinosaurs, and I found a bunch of cool dinosaur fabric when I was out.”

“I love it so far,” Dan says, impressed as he always is with Bryony’s crafting abilities. "I wish I had your skills. I'd make a bunch of drag outfits for myself."

“Thanks,” she says, pocketing her phone. "I can’t believe you’re actually gonna do drag, Dan. Just imagine. One day, it’ll be you up on that stage, impressing the fuck out of everyone."

“Yeah.” He sits back in his chair and takes another sip of his martini, feeling a bit awkward. "So what else is new with you?"

She’s quiet for a moment, swirling her drink around her glass thoughtfully. She looks like she wants to say something, and Dan watches her calmly. Finally, she says, “I’ve been pretty busy lately too, actually. I’ve been seeing someone.”

Dan’s heart flips. “Bry! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I didn’t want to jinx it. But I’ve been seeing her for, like, two months now, and I really like her.”

Dan grins. “We have to go on a double date sometime.”

She narrows her eyes. “Only if you and Phil promise not to embarrass me in front of her.”

“Deal. What’s she like? What’s her name? I want to know everything.”

She tells him, her eyes sparkling in the lighting of the bar. The details of her burgeoning relationship take them all the way up to when the lights dim and the show is ready to start. They quiet down and turn to the stage.

The same queen who hosted the last show comes on stage to raucous applause and cheering. This time, she’s wearing a floor-length emerald green dress that’s hemmed with fluffy white feather boa material. It sweeps the floor as she walks, occasionally revealing tall white high heels.

“Welcome, one and all, to Utopia’s annual Christmas Charity Drag-stravaganza!” she says. “I’m Mistress Mystique, and we are so fucking excited to have all of you queens here with us tonight, supporting our queens and the fabulous charity work of the Albert Kennedy Trust.”

Dan elbows Phil, who had just sat up in excitement. You can’t be a guest on a podcast talking about a charity and not have mad respect for their work. Dan knows they’ll probably give a little bit extra tonight.

“Did you know they were supporting AKT?” Phil whispers to him, and Dan shakes his head.

“So give your best festive welcome to our first queen of tonight, the lovely Ladybird!”

The show is, if anything, more full of energy than the last show they went to go see. Everyone is festively dressed, wearing red and green outfits, dresses embroidered with snowflakes, and icicle-covered jewelry. There’s jingle bells and tons of glitter, and the most inappropriate rewrites of carols that Dan has ever heard.

He _loves_ everything about it.

One of the queens sings a version of Santa Baby that she’s rewritten to have drag queen lyrics, and she flirts with at least ten guys in the audience, stealing one of their Santa hats to complete the number. Dan is in stitches throughout.

“This is incredible,” he half-shouts to Phil over the cheers of the crowd when the Santa Baby queen’s song is over.

“I know, right?”

Autumn, Sydney, and Ruby Hart come out second to last and do their routine to “Christmas Wrapping,” the one that Dan watched them practice many times over. It’s smoother today, and they get big cheers at the end.

Everyone at Dan’s table stands up and cheers the loudest; Autumn and Sydney notice and blow kisses to their boyfriends.

The last queen bants with the host, Mistress Mystique, for a bit - there are too many Christmas puns to count - before heading through the curtain backstage.

“Thank you! Did everyone have a fucking festive time?” Mistress Mystique says, to loud cheers. “I hope you all get home safe, and find someone cute to bring with you.” She winks. “And before you leave, please remember to donate! Again, all donations will go to help the Albert Kennedy Trust! It’s helped a few of your performers tonight get back on their feet. I know the holidays are hard for a lot of us, but they’re even harder when you don’t have a supportive family you can go home to. So let’s make sure that more of our queer kids can find the love and support of people who do care about them!”

The audience applauds and cheers again.

“It’s so cool that they’re supporting AKT,” Phil yells over the noise, and Dan nods. “Here, let’s go put something in the donation box.”

They stand up and heads over to one of the donation stockings. Phil sticks some money into it, and right as they’re turning to head back to the others, Autumn appears.

“Dan! Come over here. Come meet some people. Phil can come too if he wants.”

“That’s fine. You two go have fun,” Phil says, patting Dan on the shoulder. He lets his hand rest there for just a moment longer than he normally would, because they’re in a gay bar, and somehow, it feel safe.

Dan lets Autumn lead him through the crowd. Now that the show is over, everyone is standing up, heading to the donation stockings, getting refills on drinks, and dancing along to the Beyonce song that’s being piped through the speakers.

“I told Mistress Mystique that I had a friend who was new to the drag world, and she wanted to meet you. She’s the announcer, remember?”

“Yeah,” says Dan, recalling the glamourous older queen who was just on stage.

“She’s actually kinda the drag mum around here. She’s mentored so many of us, and she helps organize everything. Even let a few of the younger queens crash on her sofa when life shit happened, which I think is why supporting the AKT is so important to her. She’s amazing.”

Dan swallow and can’t quite believe that such a cool person wants to talk to him of all people. Anxiety spikes in his stomach, but he says, “I’d love to meet her.”

Adam leads him through a curtain at the back of the bar. It’s a makeshift dressing room back here, with several mirrors set around, and tables where all the queens seem to have put their stuff. There’s several queens around in various stages of undress. Out of old habit, Dan averts his eyes, because he’s learned he dare not look in the direction of an undressing guy. Even if that guy’s undressing out of drag and is probably queer himself.

(There’s a lot of shit he’s yet to unlearn.)

“Autumn! Is this your friend?”

“Yup! This is Dan. We’ve been friends for ages. Even lived together at one point.”

“My drag name’s Luna Eclipse, if that helps,” Dan offers, figuring he might as well use his drag name now that he’s got one. He looks up, daring to make eye contact with the queen in front of him.

“Luna, then. What a fabulous name. It’s wonderful to make your acquaintance,” Mistress Mystique says, clasping his proffered hand in both of hers. Her skin is warm, and her long fake nails are glittery and red.

“Same,” Dan says. “I love your dress.”

“Thank you. Autumn says that you might be looking to perform with us,” she says. “We always welcome new performers here, especially friends of friends. We’re a little family here. Officially, I’d like to see you perform first before taking you into one of our shows - I can’t be hiring a hot mess who doesn’t know how to walk in heels.”

Dan rather thinks that he’s the _definition_ of a hot mess who doesn’t know how to walk in heels, but he swallows away his self-deprecation for the time being. “I don’t know if I’m ready to perform quite yet. But one day soon.”

“You’re the perfectionist type! I like that in a man.” She winks at him. “Well, just let Autumn know when you’re ready, and we can set something up.” She smiles at him before walking away.

“She’s always keeping herself busy, that one,” says Autumn fondly. “A proper mum to us.” She claps Dan on the back and looks at him from under her long lashes. “Just text me if you do want to audition. We can practice, and I promise it’ll be super easy.”

Dan smiles. He’s glad he’s got Autumn to have his back.

“So Luna Eclipse, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s kinda fucking perfect for you, mate,” Autumn says, moving in front of a mirror and removing her wig carefully. “When’d you come up with it?”

“This week. Phil helped me pick it out.”

“‘Course he did. I don’t think you two know how to do things without each other. Like, in a good way.”

Dan laughs. “Yeah, I know. We’re actually sharing one brain cell.”

Autumn begins to wipe her face free of makeup, rapidly transforming back into Adam. “I’m glad you came tonight. I mean that in the most selfish way possible. I like to have fans in the audience.” She blinks up at him from under her eyelashes, making eye contact in the mirror. “But mostly, I’m excited you’re finally going to do this.”

“Me too.”

“Who would’ve thought it when we were young and poor and living together, that me and you would end up being drag queens, eh?”

“I don’t think I ever expected you to turn into a drag queen, that’s for sure.”

“What, boring ol’ office workers can’t have a bit of fun at night?” Adam winks. “Nah, mate. I never expected it either. Didn’t know it’d be so fun until that one Halloween. Dressed up as a bit of a joke and never looked back.” He raises an eyebrow. “I reckon I could have guessed you’d get into drag one day, though.”

“What? Why?” Dan shifts slightly.

“I dunno. Just your whole theatre kid thing, ennit? You’ve got a performer vibe. Some people are just born with it. I dunno if I was, but you definitely were. People are, like, drawn to you.”

“Oh,” Dan says, taken aback by the compliment. Strangers on the internet tell him this all the time, but it’s different coming from his friend. “Thanks.”

“But you’re not ready to perform yet, then?”

Dan bites at his lip and for a moment imagines himself up there on that stage, loud music surrounding him as he dances flawlessly and with total confidence. But as appealing as that image is, it’s always followed by the image of himself messing up and falling on his ass. Performing is just too far out of reach right now, and the thought of failing only makes an anxious feeling grow in his stomach.

He shakes his head. “No. I really do need to practice. I’m just starting to know who Luna Eclipse is, and performing sounds like a lot right now.”

Adam shrugs. “Fair enough. I didn’t start properly performing until six months after I started dabbling in drag. Meeting some of my drag friends really helped me out.”

They’re quiet for some time, Dan just watching Adam finish wiping makeup off of his face. He looks around him and watches the other queens do the same, trying not to stare too much.

It’s weird, because he’s already starting to recognize some of these people. Sydney and Ruby Hart come by to greet him at one point before moving on to talk to some other people, and he recognizes some of the other queens just from seeing them perform twice. There’s a celebratory energy back here that Dan loves.

_Soon,_ he thinks. Soon it’ll be him taking off his makeup backstage next to Adam and everyone else, laughing at inside jokes. He just wishes it was easier to not be afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reblog on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/190260993985/skqya10) <3


	11. Chapter 11

The week passes by quickly, filled with them making plans for the holiday party, going for walks when it’s not raining, cooking meals that don’t always turn out right, and watching tv. Dan goes off to his piano lesson on Thursday, and Phil works through his writer’s block on his script. There’s cozy pyjama date nights with takeout in front of the tv, and mornings tucked in bed together, huddled against the cold of the outside world.

It’s an ordinary week, and the perfect kind of December, really. They don’t have to worry about Gamingmas. They can just enjoy the holiday season in peace.

On Friday, Phil decides that they should make snacks for the party- gingerbread people, because they like to bake and decorate even when they’re not on camera.

‘Gingerbread people’ in their house means a few human-looking people, a few more aliens, and a lot of dinosaurs and dogs and handmade shapes that look like rubbish (but still taste pretty good).

“Do you miss doing this for YouTube?” Dan asks. He’s currently hovered over a rolled-out section of dough, butter knife in hand. He’s cutting out the outline of what’s supposed to be baby Yoda, but it just looks like a very misshapen cat right now.

“Sometimes,” Phil says. “And then I remember how long it took to make a batch of biscuits when you also had to talk to the camera.”

“Especially when we fucked up and had to do it twice,” Dan says, remembering the burnt disaster that was the first batch of bunny biscuits. They hadn't mentioned that particular mishap on YouTube.

“Do _you_ miss it?” Phil asks, stamping out a T. rex from the dough and putting it on the tray. “Is that why you asked?”

“Sometimes,” Dan echoes. “It was a bit of fun, wasn’t it?”

“It’s not over, you know,” Phil says gently. “If you decide you’re ready, maybe we could bake together again. Something totally different this time. Valentine’s baking, or- or, like, summer solstice baking?”

“The fuck would we even bake for the summer solstice?”

“We’d bake the actual sun.” Phil grins at him and cuts out another dinosaur biscuit. “You're right though, Valentine's would be easier. We could bake a cake that looks like a real heart. No cutesy heart shapes for these lads. We’re all about keeping it real now.” He waves around the biscuit cutter he’s currently holding, which is, in fact, shaped like a very cute, cartoony stegosaurus.

Dan allows himself to imagine filming another baking video, and it actually does sound kind of appealing. Even Valentine’s baking doesn’t scare the living hell out of him anymore. It once did, when Phil had suggested it a few years ago.

But now, he can almost imagine the jokes he’d make about a day devoted to the commercialism of romance. He can imagine Phil getting sticky pink icing all over his face and jumper. He can imagine how elegantly they’d side-step talking about their own Valentine’s Day plans (for the last few years, it’s been going out in the morning to celebrate Cornelia’s birthday, before coming home to eat pizza and fuck on the sofa. It’s the true picture of romance, and Dan wouldn’t change a thing).

He likes how the thought of Valentine’s Day doesn’t churn his stomach anymore. Putting something out with “Dan and Phil” and “romance” within the vicinity of each other doesn’t make him want to hide away. They wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, and it could just be another video, just like what they used to do.

But that would mean committing to making videos for an audience again, and he's not sure if he's ready for that yet. Still, he has the ball in his own court. He’s deciding his own life and what works best for him. It's scary in its own way, but it makes him feel calmer to know he has more power over the situation than he used to.

“You could do a solo baking video,” Dan suggests instead. “I think they’d all love that. AmazingPhil’s Not-So-Amazing Kitchen.”

Phil smiles. “I don’t think that’d end well. I wouldn’t have you there to restrain me from eating all of the ingredients. And I’d just make a massive mess everywhere.”

He doesn’t say what they’re both thinking, that half the comments for a solo baking video would be _Where’s Dan?? :(_

They’ve finally got a tray full of biscuits, and they put them in the oven.

“I reckon next year’s gonna be our year, Dan,” Phil says, washing his hands.

“You said that last year.”

“Yeah, well, didn’t this year turn out great?” Phil says. “I’m psychic, remember?”

“Sure, buddy.” Dan playfully hip-checks him out of the way so that he can wash his hands as well.

“You’re gonna become the fiercest drag queen, and I’m gonna take painting lessons and turn into actual Picasso, and a producer is gonna love my script, and you’re gonna finish writing your book. Everyone’s going to be so jealous of our awesomeness.”

“You dork.” Dan smiles. “All that, and you forgot that it’s going to be the best year because we’re going to adopt a dog.”

Phil's eyes sparkle with excitement behind his glasses, and it makes Dan wants to go to the animal shelter right now.

\---

He feels strangely nervous the next day.

He’s attacked the project of the holiday party with a fierceness normally devoted to video-making and (more recently) drag. It’s not even going to be a big party- twelve people, including them. But Dan wants it to be enjoyable for everyone.

Phil’s hovering by the front door, even though it’s thirty minutes until the start of the party. His hands are twisted and hooked into his pockets at an odd angle, and Dan can tell he’s rapidly going into full social-meerkat mode. Dan kind of relates.

“What’s up?” Dan asks gently. “Nervous about the party?”

“A bit.” Phil’s hands twist a little bit more in his pockets. “I suppose I’m worried that people are going to judge our new home or something. Most of them haven’t been here before.”

He takes one of Phil’s hands and soothes it with his own. Sometimes, Phil’s social anxiety gets the best of him, even when it’s just his friends coming over. “No one’s gonna judge our house, Phil. And if they do, I’ll be a proper bouncer and kick them out.”

Phil gives him a small smile. “You’d make a terrible bouncer.”

“Yeah, I would.” He strokes Phil’s fingers with his thumb. “This is gonna be the best damn party ever, okay? It’ll be super low-key, and maybe we’ll even get wild and bust out the board games.”

Phil laughs. “All right. Do your drag friends like board games?”

“They’d better, or maybe I don’t want to be friends with them.” He pulls back. “Heartthrob could be fun if we get bored, yeah?”

“A gay ol’ party this’ll be,” Phil says, and Dan rolls his eyes. “Is it weird that I’m worried about meeting your new drag friends?”

Dan shrugs. “I am too, if I’m being honest. I secretly really want them to like me.”

On an impulse, he’d sent text invites to Sid and Craig to the party after meeting them for the first time at Adam’s flat. To his surprise, they’d both said yes. He doesn’t know why, really; he’s just some random guy who’s dressed up in drag with them one time. He’s low-key terrified that they secretly think he’s weird.

“I’m sure they like you. You said they’re really nice, right?”

“Yeah.” Dan stares outside and watches the cars pass by. “I just feel like I have to, I dunno, prove something to them. I mean, they’re super cool drag queens, and I’m me.”

“Well, aren’t _you_ also a super cool drag queen?” Phil asks.

Dan shrugs, because he doesn't think he is yet, not really. He’s just a guy who’s put on drag makeup several times.

Phil smiles and shakes his head. “Listen to us worry. You’re right. This is going to be the best party ever. Now let’s go get the wine ready.”

\---

It’s a proper house party, the kind of casual, quiet adult get-together that Dan really has grown to love in recent years. They’ve invited an eclectic group of people and no one really knows each other that well, but they’re all getting along anyway. Cornelia’s struck up conversation with Bryony by the snacks table, and PJ is talking with Sid and his boyfriend about the new Star Wars movie.

Dan feels soothed, seeing everyone mingle without too much awkwardness. Inviting people from all different facets of his life has made him overly aware of the different faces he wears around different people in his life: the zany YouTuber one he wears around PJ, the little-brother-and-business-partner one he wears with Martyn, and the closest-to-authentic one he wears around Phil and Bryony.

If he thinks about it too much, he’ll go into crisis mode over not knowing who he really is. But for tonight, he can wear his happy host face, and everyone seems to like that well enough.

Their new home feels cozy and warm, filled with life and energy. It’s proper Christmas now, and the decorations seem to shine even brighter tonight.

Once he’s greeted the last guest, Dan finds himself in the kitchen with Adam, both of them sipping on glasses of mulled wine.

“You’ve got a fancy rich people dream house now, mate,” Adam says, gazing around.

“Don’t call it that.”

Adam rolls his eyes. “Mate, you know you’re living the dream. Buying this nice house with your soulmate, bloody hell. Just let me live vicariously through you and Phil, ‘kay?”

Dan smiles. “Okay.”

“Sid and Craig were well-pleased you thought to invite them, you know. They’re happy you liked them.”

Dan shuffles his feet. “I thought it might have been too presumptuous of me. I’ve only met them, like, twice.”

“Nah, mate. They’re my sisters, and now you're their sister too. Not presumptuous at all.”

He chews at his lip. “I’m starting to think that maybe Luna Eclipse is a lot braver than Dan Howell.”

Adam nods understandingly. “I _know_ that Autumn’s braver than me in some ways. I could never dance up on a stage and be a sassy bitch as plain old Adam.” He takes a sip of his drink. “But that doesn’t mean you’re not brave too. Luna can’t be brave if you’re not also brave, even if it’s deep down.”

Dan smiles, feeling warm from more than just the mulled wine. “You’re a good friend, Adam. I hope you know that.”

He winks. “‘Course I do. Now let’s go have some fun. I don’t want to just stand in your kitchen all evening, lovely as it is.”

They find Phil standing and talking to his brother and Craig by Norman’s tank. Martyn looks up as they walk over, and his eyes light up when he sees Dan.

“Dan! You didn’t tell me you were going to do drag!” He claps Dan on the back in his usual older brother way. “Good on you.”

“Er, yeah,” Dan says, glancing at Phil, who gives him a slightly apologetic look.

“Sorry. He was asking how we knew all of these people, and then he got really excited and started asking Craig about walking in heels.”

Dan shrugs and, if anything, regrets missing out on witnessing that gem of a conversation. He doesn’t really give a fuck about Martyn knowing - hell, he wouldn’t have invited him to this party if he didn’t want him to know.

But Dan’s done hiding, and Martyn’s literally cooler than Dan is. He’s involved in London’s nightlife scene, and his and Cornelia’s own eclectic circle of friends probably has drag queen or two in it.

“Hey, don’t make it sound like I’ve not walked in heels before, Dibs,” Martyn says. “I’m cooler than you think. I had some wild parties at uni. Wilder than your little board game nights.”

“Yeah, right.” Phil pokes Martyn. “We’re playing board games later, whether you like it or not. I’ve decided it, just ‘cause you said that, and it’s my party.”

“Your boyfriend is great,” Craig murmurs to Dan. “He’s hilarious.”

“Even when his little brother energy is showing?”

“Especially then.” He winks at Dan. “Don’t worry. Not about to steal someone’s man in his own home. And cute as he is, he’s a little too young for me anyway. I like my guys older than me.”

“Good.” Dan grins. “‘Cause I kind of like him just a bit.” He catches Phil’s eye from across their little circle, and they share a smile.

\---

The evening passes quickly, and before Dan knows it, the guests are leaving. PJ and Sophie are off to catch a late train back to Brighton, and the others are all off to their various corners of London.

Bryony, Adam, and Gordon stick around to help them get the place back in order, and to have one last drink together before it gets too late.

It was a nice night, Dan thinks as he sips on his wine, and not for the first time, he’s so thankful he’s an adult now. Having his own little group of adult friends who loves and accepts him feels so much better than being a teenager. Whoever said that your teenage years would be the best of your life was totally lying.

The five of them are all sitting around in the lounge now that the place has been tidied up. It’s late, definitely well past midnight, but everyone’s feeling too lazy to call an Uber.

“Hey, Bry, give Dan the gift,” Adam says during a break in the conversation.

“What gift?” Dan watches Bryony leave the room and come back with a wrapped box. Phil starts bouncing in his chair like an overexcited child.

“A surprise, just for you,” Bryony sings. She holds out the box to him.

He stares down at the wrapping paper, feeling awkward about being given a random gift like this, like he should be giving her a gift too. “But I thought we agreed, no gifts.”

“Like that doesn’t mean I can’t give you a gift anyway.” She rolls her eyes. “Besides, it’s really a gift from all of us. Just ‘cause we kinda like you for some reason. Now open it and be grateful.”

Dan wants to argue further about them getting him a gift, but he’s too curious to turn it away. He carefully lifts up the tape, trying to preserve the colourful paper. He sets it aside, then opens up the box.

It’s a black dress, absolutely beautifully made. The material is wispy, and the sleeves are flowy and look a bit like wings. There’s spirally silver-green details that sparkle in the light, and little stars stitched in the fabric when he looks closer.

It’s exactly what he’d wanted but couldn’t find online. It’s like someone took all of his ideas out of his head and put them into dress form.

“Bry…” He stares down at the dress. “Did you sew this yourself?”

“Yup. Phil designed it though. Look in the box.” Dan pulls out a piece of paper, recognizing the texture as watercolour paper. It’s a painting of the dress he’s holding, a bit clumsy, but clearly in Phil’s developing art style.

“You painted this, Phil? How did you know what I- it’s so perfect. So, so perfect.”

“We talked to Adam for ideas, and I already had your measurements from the tour,” Phil says. “And you showed me your notebook full of ideas of outfits. It wasn’t that hard to create something that we knew you would like.” He points at the curlicues of silvery green glitter that run throughout the fabric. “I found this little green moth called the luna moth. It has little curls like this on its wings. I know you hate moths, but it was so pretty and matched your Luna’s name. It felt perfect.”

Dan sniffs and feels tears spring to his eyes. “It is. This is so perfect. Thank you guys so much.”

“Oh, Dan. We’re just happy that you’re happy.” Bryony sweeps him into a hug, and Phil and Adam are close behind. He’s sandwiched in between three of his favourite people, and he couldn’t be happier.

\---

Dan tries on the dress that night, once everyone else has gone home. Phil lays on the bed, wearing his glasses and pyjamas, watching him.

He puts on his padding and slips the dress on, turning around so that Phil can help him zip it up. When he turns to the mirror, he actually gasps out loud. It fits him _perfectly._ It makes him feel more like Luna Eclipse than the simple dress he’s been wearing to practice, and that makes him so fucking excited.

Phil makes a noise of appreciation. “Damn. Bry’s good, isn’t she?”

“Yeah. I can’t believe you all would do something like this for me.”

“Maybe we just really want to see you perform in drag,” Phil says. “‘Cause we all know you’ll love it.”

“You’re sweet,” Dan says. He turns and admires the back of the dress, and the front too- there’s a slit cut in the dress so that the long line of his leg shows when he moves. “How long have you guys been working on this?”

“A few months now,” Phil says. “Since you bought your first dress and complained to me that it wasn’t perfect. I knew then that I wanted to give you something that was more perfect. I thought it might inspire you.”

“It does,” Dan says.

“The green details were a recent addition. Bry asked me to pick an accent colour for the glitter, and you’d just named yourself Luna. It came at just the right time, really.”

“I love you a lot, you know. All of you.”

Dan takes one last look at himself in the dress, then carefully takes it off and folds it back up neatly. He knows he’ll be back in it first thing tomorrow to practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/) <3


	12. Chapter 12

He feels strangely reluctant to leave his beautiful new dress and all of his other drag stuff behind. He looks at it all somewhat sadly as he packs up his suitcase. What with going to visit the Lesters, and then back down south to spend time with his own family, he won’t be able to put them on again for a good week. It’s strange to realize how attached he’s become to drag already, despite not even having properly performed yet.

It’s for a good reason though. Christmas with the Lesters is one of Dan’s favourite things. He loves Kath’s cooking, Nigel’s dad jokes, and spending uninterrupted time with Phil, Martyn, and Cornelia in a way that’s about family time and not work.

So it’s not a total loss, he thinks, as he finishes packing up his collection of black-and-white shirts and jeans.

The plane ride over is uneventful. They don’t run into any subscribers - always a bonus on travel days, when they’re frantic and look like crap - and they arrive safely to the quiet of the Isle.

Nigel picks them up from the airport, and they both hug him tight.

“Kath’s off having lunch with her book club,” he says, when they’re back in the car. He pulls out of the car park and onto the main road. “She was sorry she couldn’t be here to pick you up, but she figured she’d see you quite a bit this week anyway.”

“Mum doesn’t love us anymore,” Phil moans from the front seat. “Remember the days you’d _both_ be super eager to pick us up? Because I don’t.”

“Such a dramatic boy. He really should have gone to uni for acting, shouldn’t he, Dan?” Nigel says, catching Dan’s eye in the rearview mirror and winking back at him.

Dan watches the scenery and buildings pass by outside the window. It’s great to be back up here. It’s so calming. The car windows are closed, but he can still hear the calls of seagulls instead of incessant traffic noises. He loves the energy of London and wouldn’t want to leave, but he’s glad he has the Isle of Man to go to sometimes, just to give his mind a break. Being here is almost meditative, like his brain doesn’t feel as busy.

“When are Martyn and Cornelia coming in, Dad?” Phil asks.

“Tomorrow. Same flight as you, I think.” Nigel turns left down another road. “Don’t you text him, Phil?”

“‘Course I do. Just not about boring stuff like that.”

“Well, _I’m_ excited to see him again. You’re welcome to come with me to the airport tomorrow to pick them up. Unless you think seeing your brother is too boring.”

_“Dad._ Me and Dan see him all the time.”

Dan grins. No matter how old he becomes, Phil always reverts back into his pesky little brother self whenever he’s back around his family. For some reason, Dan still finds that fact endearing rather than annoying.

\---

They're tucked in the den the next evening. The house feels even more cozy and full of life now that Martyn and Cornelia are here. Even though Phil was right yesterday, that they do see them a lot because of IRL, it still feels fun to be with them as family instead of as coworkers. The two of them are some of his favourite people, after all. 

Dan's busy playing a casual game of cards on the coffee table with Cornelia and Phil, while the others flip lazily through the channels on the tv. There's nothing good on a few days before Christmas, and Dan's thinking about suggesting a Netflix show, when Martyn flips over to another channel, and there's drag queens on the screen.

It's just a commercial for Drag Race, but it makes Dan pause for a second, as he always does when two incongruent parts of his life intermingle.

"Phil, dear, can you explain that show to me?" Kath says. "Me and your dad see it advertised, but we don't quite understand it. It's a gay thing, right?"

"Mum," Phil groans, and Dan's stomach flips over. He knows she doesn't mean it in an offensive way, but people asking them about queer culture as if they're experts still sets him into an anxious spiral. Even if it's Kath.

He sees Martyn shoot Phil an apologetic look before continuing to flip through channels.

"It's- er, it's kind of a gay thing," Phil says. “But, like, you don’t _have_ to be a gay guy to do it. It’s not a requirement.” He's staring at Dan helplessly, as if begging him to continue. It reminds him of that time he bought Phil that Philussy cake for his birthday and Phil stumbled over explaining that.

Dan clears his throat. "A lot of queer people do participate in drag, and it's got a lot of ties to queer history, like the queens who were involved with Stonewall. But it's more for entertainment and playing with gender expression and gender norms than anything to do with sexuality. There's loads of different styles, and lots of reasons why people might get into it. Even women can be drag queens.”

Kath and Nigel blink at him, and he realizes he’s rambling, and they probably understood half of what he just said.

"I've actually been getting into it lately. Drag. It's pretty cool." He doesn’t know why he says it. In fact, he regrets it nearly the instant the words are out of his mouth, because he wasn’t really planning on telling them. Not out of shame really, but because he just didn’t know why he should bother bringing it up.

Nigel smiles politely. Kath meets Dan’s eyes and then looks away. Everyone’s quiet, and Dan feels his body grow tenser with every passing second.

"So you like dressing up as a woman, then?” Nigel eventually says. It’s in a conversational tone, but it makes Dan’s stomach flip over horribly, like it always does when he brings up gay things around people who aren’t Phil, Bryony, and Adam.

“Um. Sort of? It’s not really about. That. Being a woman. I’m- um. I’m not trans, if that’s what you’re wondering.” He feels weirdly defensive, and he’s regretting opening his stupid mouth _so fucking much._ This really wasn’t something his in-laws needed to know, no matter how much he loves them.

There’s another incredibly awkward silence, horribly reminiscent of the ones Dan suffered through growing up, when no one quite knew what to say to each other.

“Adam does it too,” Martyn pipes up, surprising Dan. “I talked to him all about it at their Christmas party. Y’know their friend Adam, right, Dad?”

“Oh yes, ‘course I do. Phil talks about him quite a bit.”

“Do you do this drag thing together with Adam, Dan?” Kath says. She’s also looking a little apprehensive, and Dan suddenly has a flashback to editing one of Phil’s old videos, the one where she thought it was weird when young Phil was wearing a girl’s bonnet.

He nods, biting at his dry lips. “Yeah, we do.”

“That's wonderful, Dan."

It feels horribly tense for another few seconds before Cornelia (bless her) changes the subject, and the conversation moves on.

Except Dan’s mind is stuck in the silence and the awkward stares. He kind of feels like shit and wishes he never would have spoken in the first place.

\---

Dan might be imagining it, but there’s still some tension in the air at dinner that night. Kath and Nigel seem to be a little more formal and polite with him than normal. But that could just be because he feels like he’s on high alert, like they’re going to criticize him at any moment.

They wouldn’t. Dan logically knows this. He knows these two just as well as he knows his own mum. And Kath and Nigel are the picture of British politeness and have never yelled at him or been anything but kind.

Phil meets his eye several times during dinner, occasionally nudging Dan’s leg with his foot. He’s concerned. Phil can read him so well. But with all of the family bonding activities, they haven’t had time to sneak away and talk by themselves.

After dinner, they all watch a film together, and then Phil feigns exhaustion, allowing the two of them to head up to bed early. They change into pyjamas and brush their teeth next to each other in silence. Phil keeps catching Dan’s eye in the mirror, but Dan can barely hold his gaze before he has to look away.

They’re quiet until they’re tucked together in the spare bedroom. Dan’s staring up at the ceiling, and Phil’s tucked into his side, their legs overlapping.

“This is my Christmas gift to you, Phil,” Dan whispers into the darkness. “Putting you into an awkward situation with your family. Merry Christmas.”

“Oh, Dan. It wasn’t that bad.”

“It was. Your mum couldn’t look at me, and now your dad thinks I want to become a woman or something.”

Phil sighs. “Okay, it _was_ really awkward, wasn’t it? All three of you looked like you wanted to melt into the floor.”

“I dunno why I even said it. It just kind of slipped out. Like, why would your parents even need to know I’m into doing drag?”

Phil shifts, turning over so he’s also lying on his back. He takes Dan’s hand in his and strokes over his fingers with his thumb. It’s as comforting as a hug, even though they’re only connected by their hands. “I don’t think it’s wrong or weird to tell them. Even if they don’t understand it, it’s something that makes you happy, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. But letting you eat me out also makes me really happy, and I’m not about to tell them about that, am I?”

Phil smacks at him with the hand that’s not holding onto Dan’s. “Oh my god, don’t be vulgar. I’m trying to comfort you right now.”

Dan sighs and settles back into his pillow. “Okay. Comfort away.”

Phil squeezes his hand. “My parents love you, Dan. It’s just, they just don’t always understand things. You know that. It’s just like how you don’t get why they like to go to the pub and watch football with their mates.”

“Yeah, but that’s socially acceptable. Even if I don’t like it, I understand it. But drag is confusing and niche to most people.”

“It makes you _happy_ though,” Phil reiterates stubbornly. “And that’s the most important thing of all, I think, no matter how ‘confusing’ or ‘niche’ it is.” He turns to look at Dan in the dark.

“I guess.”

“I can talk to my dad if you want. Try and explain things to him.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m a big boy. I’ll do it myself.”

Phil huffs out a laugh. “I _really_ want to make a lewd comment about you being a big boy, but I’m going to refrain.”

Dan rolls his eyes at him, even though it’s dark and Phil has his glasses off, so there’s no way he could possibly see. “And you were the one telling me off for making a sexual comment, like, two seconds ago.”

“I _refrained,”_ Phil says. “I didn’t actually say it. My self-restraint is legendary.”

“It’s really, really not.” He leans over and kisses Phil, a bit off-center. “Thank you, though. I appreciate you talking me down.”

“Any time.” Phil yawns. “I know it’s early, but I’m actually tired.”

“Mmmmm.”

They fall asleep like that, hands intertwined, just like they did when they were first dating. It feels like an anchor to Dan, tying him to the world despite how nervous and angry at himself he is.

\---

They go for a walk along the cliffs the next day. They’re all bundled up in coats and bobble hats, and they make quite a picture- a family united by their matching knitwear.

They start out walking together, but they quickly spread out; Martyn and Kath get far ahead of the rest of them, and Cornelia and Nigel fall back, stopping every now and then to watch the seagulls.

“I think I’m going to rip off the plaster and talk to your dad now,” Dan says to Phil. He glances back and sees that Cornelia and Nigel are just a little ways behind them, quickly catching up.

“You don’t want me to go with you?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m not afraid of talking to your dad, you know.”

Phil smiles. “All right. But if you need me to rescue you, just yell at me, and I’ll come running.”

They stop walking and stand, staring into the ocean until the others catch up with them.

“You boys tiring out already?” Cornelia says.

“Of course not,” Phil says. “I’m super fit. C’mon, Corn. Race you to the end.” She laughs and they walk off together.

Dan and Nigel stand there for a while, staring out at the waves and the stormy skies. The sea breeze tugs at his curls, and he thinks again how much he loves it here.

“Can we talk?” he says eventually, glancing over at Nigel. “I feel bad about yesterday, and I really don’t want to. It’s Christmas. It’s supposed to be happy.”

He likes that he has this relationship with the Lesters, that he can simply ask them to have a conversation with him and they’ll oblige. It feels so much better than how he had to behave as a teenager, like a cornered cat who would claw at anyone who dared get too close. It feels healthy and good and adult to talk like this.

“Of course.” Nigel meets his gaze. “You know I’m always here for you, Dan.”

They start walking again. Dan doesn’t start talking immediately. He looks forward and sees Phil’s green hat bobbing in the distance. He’s gesturing enthusiastically to Cornelia. It makes Dan feel a little bit braver, knowing Phil’s right there, and he turns his attention back to Nigel.

“I just wanted to, you know, clear the air. I want you to be able to ask me questions if you don’t understand things about me. It’s just, I always get defensive more than I probably should.”

“I understand.”

“And I’m sorry about that. Sometimes I push people away without giving them a chance. Even when I trust them.” He looks over. “I do trust you, you know.”

“I’m sorry too, if I ever say anything offensive. I don’t always understand everything, you know, and sometimes, I can’t find the right thing to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you just as much as my own two sons.”

“I know.” Dan tucks his freezing hands further into his pockets, shivering a little.

Nigel looks warmly at Dan. “You know, when I first figured out Phil was gay, I said some things that, looking back, make me feel like a right old twat.”

“What kind of things?” He’s heard Phil’s side of this story, but never Nigel’s.

“Oh, you know. I asked if I did something wrong as a father that made him like this. Or if he was certain he only liked blokes, or if it was possible that he might find a girl he fancied one day instead of you.” He shakes his head. “I’d never known a gay person before, and I only wanted the best for him. I didn’t understand at the time that he simply wouldn’t be happy dating a girl, or that him being gay wasn’t caused by me or anything else. It was just who he always was.”

“I wish more people would understand that,” Dan says. “It’d make the world a much better place, I think.”

“It took me far too long to learn,” Nigel says. “And I know now that it hurt him to hear me say the things I did. I wish I could take it back.”

Dan nods. He remembers skyping with Phil late into the night that first year they were together, when Phil still lived at home. He remembers soothing Phil, telling him that his parents would come round, that they loved him, even if they sometimes said things that hurt.

“But seeing you and him together really helped,” Nigel continues. “My boy loves you to the moon and back.” He looks over appraisingly. “I’m not going to lie to you, Dan, I do worry for him still. Every day. More than I do for Mar, I reckon. I don’t know if that’s fair of me to worry about one of them more than the other. All I know is that sometimes I see things on the news about gay people getting hurt, and it makes my heart ache.”

“We worry too,” Dan says softly. He doesn’t have to explain why; Nigel knows about his past, knows why they’ve hidden themselves away for so long. “But I think the world is getting better really quickly.”

“I still feel lost and confused by Phil sometimes. Like, just when I’ve begun to understand him, he goes and says something else I don’t understand.”

Dan laughs. “You and me both.”

Nigel smiles. “But I’ve come to realize it’s not because he’s gay. I used to think it was, until Kath pointed out that I’m just as confused when it comes to Martyn. I don’t know if I’ll _ever_ fully understand some of his crazy music, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him any less, or that I won’t try my damndest to try and understand why it’s important to him.”

“I think that’s a good way to be,” Dan says quietly.

“It’s just a parent thing, I suppose,” Nigel muses, “to always feel like you’re learning from your kids. Before I had Mar and Phil, I thought parenting would simply be me teaching them how to walk, talk, and grow up to be good, kind men. I had no idea how much _they’d_ teach _me_ over the years.” He shakes his head.

Dan nods, staying quiet. He’s not really sure what to say. He wishes his own parents would have employed this philosophy. Maybe things would have turned out differently for him as a teenager.

Nigel clears his throat. “This wasn’t supposed to be about me, was it? I suppose what I’m trying to say is, would you like to tell me about drag? If you’ll be patient with me, and even if I don’t understand it, I’d love to hear what it means to you.” His voice sounds hesitant, like he’s not sure he’s saying the right thing. But he’s trying, and in Dan’s eyes, it’s _exactly_ the right thing.

And so Dan tells him.

He starts slowly, tentatively, in ways he thinks Nigel will understand as a fellow artist. How he loves the aesthetics and the music of it all. How beautiful and creative the clothes are. How he can treat his face like a canvas where he can experiment all he wants and wear bright green eyeshadow with black lipstick and too much glitter and fit right in with all of the other queens.

He tells him about the gorgeous dress that Bryony made for him as a Christmas gift, how Phil helped design it, how much Phil has grown as an artist this past year (Nigel looks proud at that).

And when he sees how patiently Nigel is listening, how he’s asking questions about the parts he doesn’t understand, the anxiety in Dan’s stomach is soothed just a little bit. He doesn’t have to slam up his personal walls just because someone doesn’t immediately understand him. He doesn’t have to hide himself away from all of the kind people in his life.

In a way, he feels like he did when he came out. He thought it would feel awkward to talk to his father-in-law about something like this, but in all honesty, it just feels relieving and calming. This is one less queer secret he has to hold deep inside his closet.

And so after a while, he begins to talk about the parts that Nigel might not understand as much, how he’s getting to know other queer people better through doing drag. How much closer his friendship with Adam has become in just a few months. How much he _adores_ fucking around with gender, even though he’s perfectly content in his own maleness as Dan.

It’s not the end of the world to talk to him about queer topics. If anything, it’s the start of a world where Dan can be honest with people, and they’ll still love him. Not just in spite of it, but because of it. Nigel might have grown up as a conservative northerner, but he’s not defined that, not defined by what he might have said in the past. He’s willing to learn, and it’s one of the things Dan loves most about him.

They eventually get to the end of the trail, where the other four are gathered, munching on a snack and gazing out over the water.

“Took you guys long enough,” Martyn says. “We’ve been here for _ages.”_

“Life’s meant to be enjoyed, Mar, not rushed through like a stampeding elephant,” Nigel chides, and Martyn laughs and offers him a snack.

“Good conversation?” Phil mutters to Dan.

“Really good,” Dan whispers back. “I’m glad I talked to him.”

“I’m glad.” Phil slips his hand into Dan’s again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/) :)


	13. Chapter 13

The worst part has always been leaving. It’s always felt like the cruelest thing every year to rip himself away from the warmth of the Lester home to face the hellscape of the airport and then the train station at Christmas time.

It’s not really any different this year. He still has a heavy heart when the morning of Christmas Eve arrives, and he has to say goodbye to these people who feel more like family than his own relatives most of the time.

Still, he feels obligated to see his biological family, especially on Christmas day itself. It’ll be better this year, he thinks. He spent a whole two weeks with them this summer in France, and that went well enough.

And he’s starting to realize that he doesn’t hate them. He never has, even when he was an angst-ridden teenager. It’s just... different with them than it is with the Lesters. It’s a hell of a lot harder to open up to them.

He might have accidentally let it slip to Kath and Nigel that he does drag, but there’s no way in hell that would ever happen with his own family. He’s got his secrets safely hidden away. And he would never, ever, _ever_ be able to express himself openly and have a conversation like he’d had with Nigel.

On the plane back to London, he listens to Frank Ocean and stares out the window. He lets himself imagine telling his mum, nana, and brother about doing drag. It’s a horrible thought, honestly, and it makes him cringe just thinking about it.

His nana would probably be well-meaning but very confused about the whole concept, and his mum… well. He can’t imagine opening up to her about this.

His brother would probably be fine with it nowadays. But then again, Dan remembers seeing him make gay jokes over social media just a few years ago, and he feels his stomach churn. Maybe he wouldn’t be okay with it.

No, none of them need to know. He’s not ashamed of it; it brings him too much joy for him to be ashamed. He just can’t be bothered to bring the subject up to them for no good reason.

It’s strange how quickly he feels himself transform into a different person when he goes back to his family home. It’s like the further he flies away from the Isle of Man, the more his protective walls thicken, the more he transforms into a person who doesn’t think or speak as freely. (He supposes that years of emotional neglect will do that to a person.)

But it’s not all bad. He wouldn’t bother going home if it was. He’s grown enough as a person to know that he’s perfectly capable of being in control of his own life. He can cast aside people who don’t bring him joy, Marie Kondo-ing his relationships, as it were. The thought makes him smile wryly. He had Marie Kondo-ed his own father out of his life: this one does not spark joy.

But just the thought that he would have done the same to his other family members with no remorse (although not without sadness and regret and a fuckton of overthinking)... it makes him think.

He sighs loudly enough to attract the attention of the older, grandfatherly man sitting next to him.

“Christmas got you down, mate?”

“Yeah, something like that.” Dan offers the man a weak smile, then turns to look out the window again.

\---

Like he had on the French holiday with his mum and brother, and in Christmases past, he keeps the conversation as light as possible.

What a handsome, very good boy Colin is in his new festive red-and-green collar.

What their current favourite vegan recipes are.

How rainy it’s been lately.

Dan carefully evades mentioning certain topics, and if he’s being honest, he still finds himself walking on eggshells to avoid any bit of emotional conflict with his family. It’s exhausting. It always has been, and that’s why he always wants to return to his “real life” in London as soon as possible.

But it’s not bad, not like it has been in the past. At times, it’s even enjoyable. His mum’s a pretty cool person now that she’s divorced and living her best single life, and he’s not an angry teenager forced to live under her roof. He enjoys talking philosophy with her and learning stories from her wild youth.

It’s just a lot different than being with the Lesters. He’s not going to be as sad to leave.

\---

“I’m dating someone,” Adrian announces loudly. They’re cooking together in the kitchen before the grandparents arrive.

“That’s wonderful,” his mum says. “What’s her name?”

“Savannah,” Adrian says. “She’s so great. We met at an art gallery. She was showing some of her photography, and I thought it was incredible. Just the way she captures the beauty of landscapes, you know?”

They continue to chatter about this new girlfriend, and Dan unexpectedly finds himself seething internally. He takes it out on the cake batter in front of him, mixing it so hard that it nearly spills out of the bowl.

It’s not anyone’s fault that by the time Christmas is over, his mum will probably know more about this Savannah than she does about Dan’s-life-partner-Phil. Even though his brother has been dating her for, like, three weeks. Or maybe it _is_ someone’s fault.

His mum’s fault, for never stepping out of her comfort zone to ask about Phil, even though she knows now?

His own fault, for being too chicken-shit to properly refer to Phil as his partner?

His brother’s fault for--

“Oh my god, Dan,” Adrian says, grabbing the mixing spoon from him. “If you mix cake batter like that, the gluten in the flour develops too much, and it won’t have the right texture _at all._ Didn’t you know that?”

Dan rolls his eyes at his brother’s back, feeling too childishly bitter and annoyed for having only been here for just a few hours. Stupid know-it-all Adrian. It’s definitely all _his_ fault.

No. That’s not fair.

He takes in a deep breath and tries not to let anything bother him too much. It’s not a big deal.

\---

He wakes up on Christmas day in a kind of shitty mood, and he doesn’t even feel like getting up. But he knows he has to force himself to, because it’s Christmas, and he’s gotten into the habit of attempting to do something every day. It helps him avoid falling too deep into the dark pit of depression.

They open gifts once his grandparents arrive. His mum gives him socks with little multicoloured dogs all over them. They’re incredibly cute, though he knows they’ll “mysteriously” end up on Phil’s side of the sock drawer by this time next month.

They spend the rest of the afternoon cooking - roasted sprouts, homemade bread, and stuffed squash. At least the food will be good, Dan reasons.

“So what are you doing with your life?” his granddad asks over dinner. “Still doing that video thing?”

Dan shifts awkwardly. “I’m taking a break from that for a bit, actually. I’m, er, I’m writing a book.”

“Aren’t either of you boys going to get a real job one day?” he asks. It makes Adrian laugh like it’s the funniest thing he’s heard, but the comment only twists in Dan’s gut like a knife. He knows his granddad’s only joking, but all the same, it’s just like what his dad used to say.

He smiles tightly and shakes his head. “I’m very happy doing what I’m doing,” he says tersely.

The conversation moves on, and Dan hates himself a little more. Adrian can take a joke properly; why can’t he?

They finish up dinner, and Dan helps his mum clear away the plates and start serving up cake.

Adrian talks all about his new girlfriend while they all enjoy their dessert, and Dan stays quiet because he heard all of this yesterday. He pokes forlornly at his own slice of cake. It’s delicious, but he finds that he has to force himself to enjoy it. Colin loiters under the table, occasionally pawing at Dan's leg, begging for scraps.

“Hey, why don’t you ever talk about Phil?” Adrian asks bluntly, and Dan snaps his attention away from the dog.

And he sees that everyone’s eyes are on him, and it’s the actual worst feeling.

“Um. It’s not on purpose,” Dan mumbles, even though it kind of is. He looks down at the tablecloth and wishes a hole would open up and swallow him. “And I _do_ talk about him sometimes.”

He doesn’t, not really. Only when others ask him first.

“Sorry, I was just wondering,” Adrian says, shrugging. “Just thought it was kind of weird.”

The conversation moves on from there, but Dan’s mind scrabbles for purchase like a rat on a wheel. He doesn’t know why he’s even upset, when clearly, _nothing’s even wrong._ He’s not weird. Everything’s fine. It’s just like it always has been.

And he does talk about Phil. He _does._

He’d told his mum yesterday that Phil and his parents were doing well, because she had asked. And his nana had asked about him too, asked if the two of them were liking living in their new home. They’d had a long conversation over dinner yesterday about Japan, and of course, it was impossible to not include Phil in his stories.

“Daniel?”

His brain screeches to a halt, and he focuses his attention on his mum, who’s looking concernedly over at him. “Huh? What?”

“I asked if you’d like some more tea.”

“Sure, Mum. That’d be great.”

She’s giving him a concerned look, and Dan thinks she’s about to say something, but then she doesn’t, just pats his arm awkwardly before taking his teacup away and heading over to the kettle.

\---

Dan stares at his old bedroom wall, the ugly brown colour staring back at him. It’s still early, just gone nine, but his grandparents have left for the evening, and he’s hit his introvert limit. And his frustration-with-family limit.

He doesn’t particularly want to be around anyone right now. Except for Phil, but last time they texted, Phil was in the middle of Christmas dinner with his family and Dan doesn’t want to disturb him. He’s an adult; he can go for a few hours without talking to his partner.

(At least that’s what he always tries to tell himself.)

Missing Phil is almost a nostalgic feeling at this point, if nostalgia can feel kind of terrible. He’s spent every Christmas in this room, wishing he were next to Phil instead, wishing he were anywhere but in this tiny brown room.

It wasn’t even that bad of a day, he keeps repeating to himself. It wasn’t bad. _Nothing bad happened._

Being back in this tiny room makes him feel like he’s regressing very quickly back into the person he used to be, and he hates it. There’s a lot of memories here, some of them good, but most of them bad.

He remembers sitting in here, listening to his parents shout at each other downstairs. He remembers being so scared to go to school that he couldn’t sleep at night. He remembers coming home too late from nights out with his so-called friends, and just feeling shitty about himself.

Being in this room makes him feel terrified, just a bit, like he wants to escape and take a train back to his real home to London, with Phil and Norman.

He’s just about to open up his laptop and distract himself with Netflix, when his phone buzzes on the bed next to him. He picks it up and sees that Phil’s sent him a series of very ugly emojis.

He sends a string of equally-ugly emojis back, along with _wuu2?_

_Just got home from my auntie’s house! She made a questionable turkey dinner_

_lol hope you don’t get food poisoning._  
_vegan christmas eve was lit. you missed out mate_

His phone starts buzzing again, this time with an incoming phone call. Phil’s contact photo is the one where he’s holding a puppy and beaming, and it lifts Dan’s spirits just a little.

“Hey.”

“Daaaan! Hi!” Phil elongates the ‘a’ in his name, making Dan think he’s a little tipsy, and it makes him smile.

“Been enjoying the mulled wine, have you?”

“Maybe a bit. It’s so festive.”

“Ha.”

They’re both quiet for a while.

“How’s being with your family?” Phil says, his voice softer and less joking now.

“Okay. Good as can be expected, I guess.” His voice sounds flat even to him.

“Oh, Dan.” There’s some shuffling noises on the other end, like Phil’s settling down into a comfier position. “What happened?”

“It’s so stupid,” Dan says, laying down on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. “It’s like, _nothing_ happened. No one’s fighting or anything like they used to. And my mum got me these rainbow dog socks - which you’re not allowed to steal, by the way.”

“I'm already planning on stealing them. But what's wrong?”

He sighs. "Everything’s just so awkward. I don’t want to bring difficult things up, and I don’t think my family really wants to talk to me about difficult things either,” he manages. “It’s like we’re at a total impasse where we have to be totally bland and polite to each other.”

“What kinds of difficult things?”

“I dunno. You.”

Phil sputters out a laugh, and it makes Dan smile despite himself. “I’m a difficult thing?”

“No. It’s not _you._ It’s just, sometimes, I still feel like my sexuality is still an elephant in the room.” He sighs. “I noticed it when I was with them in France too. It’s like they just don’t feel comfortable bringing up the subject, even though they know now. And _I’m_ not about to bring it up.”

“Hmmm.”

“It’s like everything is exactly like it was before coming out. I guess I thought it would change everything.”

“Remember how I thought that too?”

He does. Dan sometimes forgets that he met Phil before he was out to his parents. It was such a long time ago. “Yeah.”

“And then things were a little awkward for, like, a month, especially with my dad, but then life went on. Except then they knew you were my boyfriend.”

“Yeah. Except my family doesn’t refer to you as that, or my partner or anything.” Dan rolls over onto his side and pulls his duvet up over himself. “Maybe it’s my fault. I never really talk about you to them. Adrian actually asked me flat-out why I never talk about you. It was so awkward. _Is_ it weird that I don't really talk about you?”

“Maybe. We do, like, everything together.”

“I think maybe I’m just used to how things were before. I never talked about you much, ‘cause I didn’t know if I could stop myself from being overly fond. ‘Cause I kinda like you, you know.”

“I know.” Phil’s quiet on the other end, probably patiently waiting for him to continue. He’s so good and patient, and Dan misses him a lot.

“Adrian started talking about this girl he’s been dating for, like, three weeks, and my mum and him had a full on conversation about her. It made me realize I’ve never really had that. You know. Me talking to her about you.”

“Is that something you’d want?” Phil says hesitantly.

“Hell no.” He says it without really thinking, and it makes both of them laugh. “I mean. What would I even talk to her about? She’s literally met you loads of times. She’s visited our forever home and asked when we were adopting a dog together. What else is there to say?” He sighs. “I don’t know why I’m upset, when I don’t even _want_ to talk to her about deep things.”

“Maybe it’s just that you’d like the option to?”

“I guess.” Dan even doesn’t know if that’s true.

“It’s not a bad thing that you don’t want to have that sort of relationship with her. You’re not obligated to, remember? Isn't that what your therapist said?”

“Yeah. I just feel bad sometimes that I’m more open with your parents than I am with my own mum. I feel guilty that it’s way easier to talk to your dad about _drag,_ of all things, than it is to talk to my own mum just about _you._ My brain doesn’t make sense.” He chews at his lip. “Do you think this means I’m stuck?”

“I don’t think so,” Phil says. “I think it’s you having limits. And- and everyone has different relationships, you know? Like, you have a different relationship with me than you do with Bryony than you do with Adam. And none of them are good or bad. They just are.”

Phil’s drunken logic actually makes sense, like maybe this awkwardness isn’t all his fault.

He stands up and paces around, his duvet wrapped protectively around him like a cloak. He feels like a snail sometimes, one of those little ones he always rescues off the pavement when it rains. He’s been inside his protective shell for such a long time that it feels weird to suddenly be trailing along, letting everyone see who he truly is. And who he really is, like the snail, is soft and gentle, easily hurt. Sometimes, he needs that helping hand to scoop him out of harm’s way and tell him that everything’s going to be all right.

He’s realized, though, through years of therapy, that sometimes he himself has to be that helping hand. Other people can’t always rescue him or make him happy, not even Phil.

But it’s _so fucking hard._

“I wish we were home right now,” Dan says. “I kind of hate being here, even if I don’t mind my family.”

“Maybe we could invite them over to our place more. Then you could see them without feeling like shit. Maybe your mum’s house is haunted with a sadness ghost. But our own house isn’t, which is why you're happier there.”

Dan laughs. Tipsy Phil is kinda the best. “I’m just gonna call my depression my _sadness ghost_ now. That’s a much better name for it.”

“Casper the unfriendly ghost,” Phil muses, then sighs loudly into the phone. “I kinda really hate your sadness ghost, Dan. It makes _me_ sad to think that you’re spending Christmas feeling rubbish and sitting in your old bedroom hating yourself.”

It makes Dan smile just a little. “I know. I hate it too.”

“Is there something you could do to make yourself not sad?” Phil asks. “Like, what would you be doing if you were at home right now? Something productive, not just watching tv.”

Dan thinks a long while, the silence stretching comfortably in between them. “I think,” he says eventually, “if I were home, I think I’d search for the craziest, most colourful drag makeup look and try and replicate it.” It’s become incredibly soothing, turning his face into someone else’s, someone who’s colourful and bold and not afraid to talk to anyone. He misses it more than he thought he would.

Phil laughs. “You can totally do that right now! Go steal your mum’s makeup.”

“Oh my god, no. You’re the actual worst,” Dan says. “Can you imagine if she caught me? I told you I don’t want to have an awkward conversation with her.”

“Fine, fine.”

But it makes Dan think about his drag persona. What would Luna Eclipse do right now? She wouldn’t be afraid, he knows that. She wouldn’t walk on eggshells and remain polite and complacent to avoid conflict. She would assert herself and look fabulous doing it.

It makes him want to be Luna right now instead of Dan.

“What if-” Dan starts, then stops.

_“What if_ what?”

Dan takes a deep breath. _I’m done being afraid._ “What if I were to start actually performing soon? In drag?” He whispers it, like if he were to say it too loudly, someone might overhear him.

Phil makes a happy noise. “Oh my god, Dan! Really?”

“I just want to stop overthinking, you know? Luna Eclipse wouldn’t overthink everything like I do. I just - I think maybe my new year's resolution should be to stop being so fucking afraid of living.”

“Oh my god!” Phil says again, sounding utterly delighted. “I’m so proud of you. You’re gonna be amazing, and I know people are gonna _love_ Luna.”

Dan smiles. He’s still afraid and sad, and he still desperately wishes he were anywhere but here in this tiny bedroom. But he’s going to be back in London soon, where he feels more like himself. And thinking about what the future holds makes him feel so much lighter.

“I really hope so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Find me on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/) <3


	14. Chapter 14

His mum drops him off at the train station the next day and hugs him goodbye, tells him to say hello to Phil. Dan hugs her back and says he will. He tries his best to enjoy this moment and not seem too desperately eager to get on the train.

Because it is nice. His mum’s hug is warm and tight, and Dan knows that she loves him.

Still, three days in his hometown is long enough, and it’s a relief to finally step onto that train and know he’ll be back in London soon. Even though things are better with his family now, things aren’t suddenly going to be fixed. He’s not suddenly going to love going back to where he grew up, and he’s not suddenly going to have a picture-perfect family situation where he can talk to about anything.

Once he’s found his seat on the train, he tries to distract himself with music and looking out the window, like he’s in some dramatic music video. Today, drag queens dance in his mind, and he’s among them, as brave and fabulous as any of them. He feels a thrill of excitement.

_I’m done being afraid._

Ever since last night, the words have echoed in his mind like a mantra. And honestly, it feels good to have a positive, determined voice in his head. It’s something positive to focus on that’s not worrying about interacting with his family.

He’s _done_ with being afraid.

But he’s also very tired, so he rests his forehead against the train window and closes his eyes. The glass feels cool and good against his skin. He’s more than ready to be home.

The house feels like an old friend, welcoming him back as he wheels his suitcase inside. It smells like home, like their laundry soap and the too-sweet Christmas cookie candle Phil had burned the night before they left for the north.

Dan checks on Norman first thing. They’ve installed an automatic feeder, plus they’ve had Bryony come in to check on him a few times. She was staying in London over Christmas and was happy to help. Still, he feels soothed when he walks up to the tank and sees that Norman is alive and well.

Norman swims forward to investigate Dan, then drifts back. His fins are beautiful and flowing, shimmering in the light. If anyone’s a true drag inspiration, Dan thinks, it’s a betta fish. A gorgeous male fish who can show off his stylish self and throw shade to any bitch who gets in his way (even if the bitch in question is his own reflection).

“One day, I’m gonna make a dress inspired by you, Norm,” Dan says out loud to the fishtank. He can see it in his mind already, shimmery blue fabric, dramatic flowing sleeves. Maybe he can even get Phil to help him sketch it out and pick out materials.

Norman doesn’t respond, obviously, just blows a few bubbles and swims back into the depths of his tank’s grass.

Dan watches him for a while more, then lugs his suitcase up in their room. He’ll start in on laundry once Phil gets home.

Feeling brave, he digs his phone out of his pocket and opens up his text conversation with Adam.

_hope you had a good christmas!_ he texts.  
_so I think I’ve made up my mind_  
_after new year’s I want to start performing_

Adam doesn’t respond immediately, which makes sense. He’s probably enjoying breakfast with his family, or still sleeping. It’s only ten in the morning.

A shower refreshes him, and when he checks his phone again, he sees with a jolt that Adam’s texted him back, a series of the dancing lady emojis, followed by,

_DAN_  
_Or should I call you Luna now lol! I’m so excited for you, bitch! You’re gonna have so much fun performing_  
_How about you come round to mine soon?_

Dan smiles. Adam’s enthusiasm is contagious, even over text.

_or you can come to ours,_ Dan types. w_e probably have more space_

_You and your fancy new home lol,_ Adam responds.

They continue to text for a bit, figuring out a good time to meet up. When the conversation is over, Dan feels lighter.

He’s officially going to do this, and it’s thrilling and terrifying.

\---

His head turns to the door like a dog when he hears Phil’s key in the lock.

He stands up and walks over to the door, hugging Phil tightly to his chest before Phil’s even got his shoes off. He looks like a dream, even though he smells like an airplane and looks tired behind his glasses.

“Nice to see you too,” Phil says, letting go of his suitcase handle and hugging Dan back.

“Mmmmm. I missed you a lot.”

“Oh, Dan.” He presses a quick kiss to Dan’s lips. “C’mon. Let’s go sit.” He removes his shoes and leaves his suitcase by the front door, and they head over to the sofa. “How was the rest of your trip?”

“Fine.” He shrugs. “I did like seeing them. I think if anything, maybe I’m just feeling, I don’t know. Let down? On-edge? It’s a really weird feeling.”

“Things don’t change overnight,” Phil says quietly.

“But I feel better now that I’m home though. Happier.”

Phil gently sweeps Dan’s too-long curls off his forehead. “Why don’t you stay with us next year? My mum would absolutely love to have you. She says that every time you leave, you know.”

Dan cracks a smile. “Just your mum? You wouldn’t care?”

“Nope. Why would I want you around for Christmas? I kinda hate your guts.”

Dan hugs him again, tighter this time. “I kinda hate your guts too.”

Phil’s chest shakes with laughter against him, and they both know they’re going to be extra clingy today.

“I think I’m really looking forward to pajama week,” Dan says.

“Me too. Pajama week is the best.” Phil sighs. “Except you’re gonna have to actually sit on me to stop me from turning all workaholic. We both know it’s gonna happen by the end of the week.”

“Good thing I love sitting on you.” Dan wiggles his eyebrows and Phil looks fondly at him.

“How are you feeling though?” Phil asks, his voice going soft and serious.

Dan exhales. “Actually, a lot better than I was when I talked to you yesterday. I texted Adam about wanting to move forward with drag. We’ve already made plans to practice together. That made me feel a lot better.”

Phil grins. “I’m really happy you decided that, Dan. I know you’re gonna love it.”

“Yeah. I know.” Dan smiles back at him.

It’s a comforting afternoon. Shortly after Phil’s arrival, they decide to change into their pajama bottoms, all the comfier to lounge around in.

They spend the rest of the day playing the new video games they received for Christmas. It’s become their annual tradition, and it’s so nice to have some quiet time with Phil. They don’t even talk to each other much. The extent of their communication is nudging each other with their feet under their shared blanket, and occasionally showing the other something on their Switch screens.

“Have you been trying out new makeup tutorials, like you said you would?” Phil asks eventually, breaking the long, comfortable silence between them.

Dan makes a particularly tricky jump in his game, and laughs. “No. Look at me being my usual hypocritical self and not doing something after I said I would.”

Phil shrugs. “You _have_ only been back for less than a day. I don’t blame you for not wanting to crack out your makeup kit right as soon as you got home.”

“Yeah.” Dan pauses his game and sets his Switch aside, giving his tired eyes a break. “I just feel like I always say I’m going to do things, and then I start actually thinking about them, and then I just give up. What if this is one of those things?”

Phil pokes him playfully with his foot. “It’s not gonna be. I know it.”

“Is this one of your prophetic thoughts?”

“No. I just know you’re not gonna give this up, because I know how much it means to you. And mostly, I believe in you.”

“You’re sweet.”

“I know. It’s ‘cause I eat so many marshmallows.”

Dan snorts. “‘Course it is, bud.” He sits back from Phil. “Now you’re making me want to get my stuff out and try out a new makeup look.”

“You should,” Phil says eagerly. “C’mon. We’ve been playing video games for too long anyway.”

“We must really be getting old,” Dan says. “Since when have you ever put a time limit on video game playing?”

“When there’s the promise of seeing you in makeup, that’s when.” Phil’s tongue sticks out between his teeth. “C’mon, Danny.” He reaches out a hand and pulls Dan up off of the sofa.

Phil perches himself on the bathroom counter and watches Dan as he transforms his face with makeup. He’s not great at it yet, he knows that. He always feels overly aware of that fact when there’s someone else watching him, even if it’s just Phil. His foundation’s not quite the right colour, and he still hasn’t gotten the hang of putting on mascara without stabbing himself in the eyeball.

But somehow, it doesn’t make him anxious. It makes him excited for the future, the knowledge that this is just making him better for the future.

“I’m really proud of you, you know,” Phil says after a while.

“You’d better be,” Dan says lightly. He looks back at himself in the mirror and applies one last touch, a swipe of black lipstick. “I had an idea earlier, of making a dress inspired by Norman. I thought you could help me design it one day.”

Phil’s eyes light up. “Oh my god, Dan! That’s a great idea! It’ll be just like my Norman makeup video.”

“Except not as horrifying. This queen is _not_ gonna allow Sharpie anywhere near her face, honey.”

“One day, I want you to give me a proper drag queen makeover, I think,” Phil says. “Makeup look inspired by my fish, take two.”

Dan meets his eyes in the mirror. Honestly, the temptation of seeing Phil in makeup is too much to resist, and it could be a bit of fun. “You wanna do it now?”

Phil blinks, then grins. “Yeah. I absolutely would. Make me up, Miss Eclipse.”

Dan moves so that he’s standing in front of Phil. He treats Phil’s face like a canvas, letting him choose all the bright blues and greens his enthusiastic little heart desires. And lots and lots of glitter, because it’s Phil, and Phil likes shiny, tacky things.

“Honestly, I think you’d be a great drag queen,” Dan says, opening up an eyeshadow palette.

“It’s ‘cause I’m so pretty, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s it,” Dan says sarcastically. “Have you ever thought about it?”

“I dunno. Maybe one day. But I think maybe it can just be your special thing, your own way to shine. We don’t have to do everything together, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Close your eyes for me.”

“You’re getting a lot better at this,” Phil says softly. His eyelids flutter as Dan applies makeup to them. “I really like to watch you put on makeup, you know. You were really hesitant at the beginning, like you didn’t know what to do. Now, it’s like you have more of an instinct.”

“I think that’s true. It’s like you and your painting, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I painted a bit with my dad over Christmas. I gave him that art stuff, you know? And he got excited and wanted to teach me a few things. It was nice.”

Dan smiles. “That’s sweet.”

“You and me are both proper artists now, aren’t we?”

“Proper shitty artists, you mean.”

“Hey,” Phil says defiantly, his eyes still closed. “Even if our art isn’t the best, we’re still creating. And that’s good.”

“Aren’t you inspiring today?”

“I’m your muse, your canvas, and your one true love, Howell. You’d better appreciate me.”

“You know I do, you dork.”

When he’s done putting the finishing touches on Phil’s makeup, Phil hops off the bathroom counter so he can stare at himself in the mirror. He lets out a small gasp when he sees himself for the first time, which makes Dan grin.

“I’m so sparkly and gorgeous,” Phil says, and flutters his long eyelashes. “I didn't know my eyes look so big.”

“I know, right?” Dan says.

Phil stands and moves closer to the mirror to better admire himself. “You know, ever since Adam started drag, it was always in the back of my mind to do myself up in drag make-up for a YouTube video. Maybe I should.”

Dan feels a trickle of fear in his stomach at the sudden thought of their subscribers figuring he does drag and pushes it away. “Well, you’re gonna have to ask Autumn, then. Miss Luna Eclipse was made for the stage, not for YouTube,” he says in what’s becoming his Luna voice, but it comes out a little bit too loud and harsh.

Phil’s made-up eyebrows crinkle in concern. “I _would_ ask Autumn, not you. Unless you really want to.” His voice sounds hesitant. “But I wouldn’t mention you doing drag, you know.”

“I know. I know you wouldn’t.” Dan swallows thickly and tries not to panic. “I just - what if our subscribers ever figure out that I do drag, and you doing a video with Adam clued them in somehow?”

Phil puts a comforting hand on Dan’s back. “Hey. I shouldn’t have suggested it. It was just something that’s been on the back of my mind because of Adam doing drag, but it’s never been about you. You know I’m not going to ever force you to come back to YouTube, or to do anything you don’t feel ready for.”

Dan shakes his head and hates that this moment has suddenly become tense. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be, like, telling you what you should do on your channel. That’s a total dick move. I trust you more than anyone.”

“I get it though,” Phil says. “I know you want to keep life and work things separate now. And I know drag is a life thing to you, not a work thing. Maybe drag is one of the lines I don’t cross on YouTube, then. And I’d be fine with that.”

Dan exhales. “Today was supposed to be the start to me being brave, wasn’t it? This isn't a very good start.”

“You _are_ brave,” Phil states. “But I think being brave is scary sometimes, even when you really want something. Especially when it’s close to your heart like I know drag is.” Phil rubs a soothing circle on Dan’s back.

Dan nods and takes a calming breath. “You know, you’re an actual cutie in makeup.”

“I’m a cutie _all_ the time, remember?” Phil says, smiling. “Seriously though. If I ever fuck up or decide to do something you’re uncomfortable with, you’ll tell me, right?”

“‘Course I will. Since when have you known me to hide things from you?”

Phil snorts. “Basically never.”

“Exactly.”

\---

They spend the rest of the evening wearing their makeup. Dan wants to excuse it as them being too lazy to wipe it away, but in reality, he thinks they both like sneaking glances at each other. It’s novel, Dan thinks, to look over and see Phil’s eyes rimmed thick with eyeliner.

Of course, he looks kinda tacky with the explosion of colours he’d chosen. Definitely more of a campy queen than a glamourous one. But Dan likes that. He likes it _a lot,_ and he thinks Phil feels the same way.

This whole drag thing and playing with gender has never been about sex to him, but god dammit, if Phil’s cheekbones don’t look _fantastic_ when they’ve been defined. And his eyes look so blue when they’ve been ringed with green makeup. His whole face sparkles with glitter.

And Dan’s one true weakness is a glittery boy with blue eyes and great cheekbones._ (Phil._ His weakness is Phil.)

So really, he’s completely powerless over his urge to lean over on the sofa and kiss Phil. They’re both wearing lipstick, and the press of their lips together feels strange. Dan’s never actually kissed someone wearing lipstick before, he realizes, not even when he was still kissing girls.

“Is this weird, kissing in makeup?” Dan mumbles into his mouth. “Should I be overthinking this?”

“Fuck no,” Phil says, and pulls Dan further into his lap. “The only thing it means is that you’re into doing drag, and I’m your horny boyfriend who doesn’t want to wait to wipe our makeup off. We’re not gonna overthink _anything,_ Danny. We’re just going to do whatever feels good.”

It’s such a Phil statement, and Dan can’t bring himself to disagree, even though his main state of being is overthinking. Sometimes even while he’s doing his favourite things that make him feel good: laughing, eating, and having sex.

But it’s gotten easier to just let himself _feel_ without thinking in the last few years, in part because he’s gotten more into yoga and mindfulness through therapy. And tonight, he finds it surprisingly easy to take Phil’s advice and let himself slip into an almost meditative state, and let himself simply not think.

It’s sloppy and lazy because they’re both tired, and it’s really the most basic vanilla sex ever, just them rubbing together. But somehow, even with both of them wearing makeup, vanilla is exactly the flavour that Dan needed.

He finds himself unable to take his eyes off of Phil the whole time. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t seen him for a few days, or maybe it’s because Phil wearing makeup is such an unusual sight. Whatever it is, Phil is looking especially beautiful tonight.

Phil comes with a moan into Dan’s hand, before kissing down Dan’s body and sinking to his knees on the floor, Dan still on the sofa above him. He pauses to give a bit of extra attention to Dan's nipples and hipbones, places that make him squirm when Phil’s teeth sink in.

It’s not the most spectacular blowjob Dan’s ever received, but the simplicity of it is somehow comforting. He closes his eyes and threads his fingers through Phil’s hair and lets himself enjoy the feeling.

Too much, apparently, because at one point, he forgets himself and bucks up into Phil’s mouth a little too hard, making Phil pull away, coughing.

“You okay down there, buddy?” Dan says, stroking his hair apologetically.

“You can’t call me ‘buddy’ while we’re having sex. It’s weird and unromantic.” Phil says. Dan’s stomach jolts when he sees that Phil’s lipstick is smeared to all hell. For some reason, the sight is incredibly hot to him.

“Okay, _dear,”_ Dan says, trying to compose himself. “What would you like better, then? Suck me off, _love of my life._ Make love to me, _darling.”_

Phil coughs again. “No. I absolutely refuse to suck your dick if you call me any of those. You know how I feel about sappy pet names.”

_“Honey. Sweetie. Mate.”_

“Absolutely not,” Phil says, laughing and sitting up. “Sorry. You don’t get to come, I just decided. It’s illegal now.”

Dan wraps a hand around himself and strokes up once, moaning exaggeratedly. “Mmmmm. Fine. Arrest me then, Lester. I’ll just be over here making myself feel good, no thanks to you.”

Phil’s eyes drift downwards, and he licks his lips. “Well. Maybe we can work something out.”

(And so they do.)

He pokes at Phil’s side once he’s caught his breath. “Phil.”

“Hmmmm. What?”

“We need to wash our faces off before we go to bed. Those sheets were _way_ too expensive for us to stain them with makeup.”

Phil sighs dramatically next to him. “I hate being an adult and having to think about the state of our sheets. You’ve gotta carry me upstairs then. Or just bring me the face wipes.”

“Lazy. Go get them yourself.” Dan says with a grin, and Phil reluctantly peels himself off of the sofa and follows Dan upstairs.

Once they’re all cleaned up and tucked into bed, Dan burrows down into the duvet. He feels weightless right now. His brain is whirring back into reality, and he’s starting to overthink things again, like how sad and confusing Christmas was, and how he’s a little overwhelmed from his decision to actually perform in front of others in drag. Phil’s blowjob skills aren’t powerful enough to cure his ever-worrying mind. But he’s not going to let any of that get him down right now.

“You know what?” Dan mumbles drowsily.

“Hmmm?” Phil’s eyes are closed, and his hair is a mess from Dan running his fingers through it.

“I really kinda like it when we fuck and it’s not perfect.”

“Why?”

“I dunno.” Dan shrugs. “It’s just more fun, I guess. Maybe it’s ‘cause when I’m with you, I don’t have to worry that what I’m doing is wrong, or that you won’t like what I’m doing. It’s like, it’s perfect _because_ it’s imperfect.”

Phil hums softly. “I think you’re wrong about that. It’s always perfect, ‘cause you’re fucking me. And _I’m_ perfect, remember?”

Dan grins. “Excuse me. You _did_ just have a coughing fit because you almost choked on my dick. That’s perfection to you?” He shoves at him playfully.

“Hey!” Phil squawks, his eyes flying open. He rolls over on top of Dan, squashing the air out of his lungs. He tickles Dan’s sides mercilessly, and Dan lets out an unattractive screech of laughter, tickling Phil back.

Their tickle war ends in them collapsed back on top of each other, laughing and sweating and naked.

Maybe it’s the post-orgasm hormones running through his body, or maybe it’s because they’ve been apart for a few days, but Dan feels so warm with affection in this moment. He loves this guy _so much_ and is so fucking thankful that above everything else, above the romance and sex, he gets to spend the rest of his life with his best friend. It’s probably the best feeling ever.

And maybe it’s lame and sappy, but he’s glad they’re both home and together again. That they can do stupid things like play video games all afternoon in their pajamas, and try on a ton of glittery makeup, and fuck while wearing all of that makeup, just because they can.

Once their laughter subsides, Dan curls an arm around Phil’s broad back, stroking little circles against his shoulder blades.

“I mean it, though. I think I really hate being a perfectionist and needing everything to be absolutely perfect before I can commit to something.”

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes, I think about my first few videos from when I was eighteen and think, wow, that kid was so brave, putting such shitty videos online for anyone to see.” He traces his fingers along Phil’s spine and feels him shiver just a bit. “I know I give my younger self a lot of shit, but sometimes I’m really jealous of his bravery.”

“He’d probably think you’re really brave now, you know. For everything you’ve done. For everything you’re gonna do.”

“Really?”

“‘Course.” Phil stretches and yawns. “Sorry. I’m so tired.”

“Hmmmm.” Dan closes his eyes. “Let’s go to sleep then, bub.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the time between chapters! Starting a new job + having intense writer’s block has not been kind to me. Rest assured, the rest of this fic has been planned out and will get finished. :)
> 
> Find me on tumblr [here.](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be the final chapter of this fic, as it felt like an organic place to end. Note that there is a bit of a time jump between this chapter and the last. Thank you all for reading! <3

_Early February_

Dan blinks awake on the morning of his first drag show, not believing that he actually slept at all last night. He did, a bit. It was restless, but not in the full-of-scary-dreams way. It was the kind of sleep he used to have before visits up north to see Phil, or before the opening night of their tours.

If anything, participating in this show is just another of his big projects, just like TABINOF and their tours. The only difference is that this time, it’s not for the whole world to see. He’s doing this just for himself and whoever happens to be in the audience tonight. Letting himself be a little bit selfish makes him feel good, a small bit of kindness for himself.

He lays there, staring at the ceiling for a while, not bothering to turn over and look at the clock. He knows it’s too early to be awake. There’s just the faintest bit of light trickling into their room; it’s probably six in the goddamn morning or something. Too early for any human to be up, but there he is, fully alert.

Phil is still asleep next to him, breathing steadily, his face mushed against the pillow. He looks cozy, and Dan smiles. Phil’s been so patient with him lately - and forever really - but especially these past few months, putting up with all of his anxiety about drag, watching him practice, and cheering him on tirelessly. Phil really is his partner through everything.

Dan lets his mind drift.

Practicing with Adam these last few weeks has settled his nerves. He’s auditioned and been accepted as a part of the show. He knows his routine in his very bones and muscles, and being in Luna’s headspace now feels as normal as breathing, like maybe it’s always been inside him since he was five years old and jumping around his nana’s garden with a wig on.

It’s felt like that a lot this past month, like he’s somehow been transported back to when he was a kid and nothing bad existed. It’s just him dressing up with his friend, him getting legitimately excited about something that he really wants to do.

And so right now, deep down, he’s content. _He’s got this._

But right now, he’s really fucking restless, partially out of nerves, and partially out of excitement. There’s no way he can stay in bed any longer, so he sits up, stomach churning nervously.

“Hrmmmm?” Phil mumbles next to him. “You getting up?”

“I think so. I might have breakfast and then get my things together for the show tonight.”

Phil yawns and rubs at his eyes. His hair is a mess, and Dan thinks he’s adorable. “You look… I dunno. Like, really alert. Full of energy or something.”

“I am.”

“Weirdo. It’s still sleep time.” Despite just saying that, Phil sits up and puts on his glasses. “Are you nervous?”

“Hmmm. A bit, maybe. But not bad-nervous, if that makes sense.”

“Yeah. Like we always were before our stage shows?”

“Yeah, exactly like that.” Dan stares down at the duvet still covering them. “I dunno. Like, obviously I’ve performed before. I’m not really afraid of it. It’s just that this means a lot to me, in a different way to our stage shows.”

“Maybe that’s why you feel nervous, ‘cause it does mean a lot to you. If it didn’t mean anything, you just wouldn’t feel anything.”

“I know.”

Phil smiles and pulls him into a hug, and he sighs against Phil’s bare chest.

“You’re very patient with me, you know,” Dan mumbles.

“I know,” Phil says, running his fingers through Dan’s hair. “Now the real question of the morning. Do you want to get up now, or do you want to stay in bed and cuddle some more?”

Dan was really, truly intending on getting up early. But the longer he lays here, the worse that plan sounds. Why should he get up at the asscrack of dawn when he doesn’t have to? He’s gonna stay out late tonight, and there’s a warm Phil holding him to his chest, his arms wrapped around his body.

“Stay in bed,” he says, and Phil hums happily.

“Good choice. That’s what I would have chosen too.”

\---

They end up sleeping for a few hours longer. When Dan next opens his eyes, the room is brighter, and the traffic noises outside are louder. Phil is still asleep under him - the lazy sod. Dan leaves him be, heading downstairs to have some breakfast.

It’s only raining a little outside, and he’s still full of energy, so he decides to go for a run. It feels good to breathe in the crisp winter air into his lungs, feel the pavement beneath his shoes. Even the light rain feels good against his skin.

It’s easy not to overthink while he’s running. He’s not worried about the show tonight, or much of anything at all. He lets himself just feel.

He runs until his lungs start to burn and his hoodie is soaked through with rain, and then he heads home because it’s winter and cold as hell.

When he gets back to the house, he takes a quick shower and comes downstairs to find Phil in the middle of answering emails.

“Have a nice run?” he asks, looking up as Dan enters the room.

“Yeah.” He sits down next to Phil. “Having fun?”

“Definitely.” He scrolls through his emails. “What do you think would be a better sponsor for my next video, a sketchy-looking mystery box subscription, or a gross-looking health supplement? Even got something from a makeup brand.”

“I think they’ve got the wrong one of us for that last one,” Dan says.

Phil closes his laptop. “I dunno, mate. I feel like the AmazingPhil brand is due for a change. ‘Creating a makeup look out of gross health products and mystery box items?’ I bet it’d trend.”

Dan laughs. “I bet it would, mate.”

“Speaking of makeup stuff, I’ve got you a surprise.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Hold on, let me go get it.”

Dan watches as he heads out of the room, listening as his elephant feet go clomping up and down the wooden stairs. When he comes back, Dan sees that he has a couple bottles of nail polish clutched in his hands. “I saw them when I was out, and I thought of you.”

Dan takes them. “Wow, Phil. I love them.” He takes a closer look at them. One is a rich emerald green; it’ll match his dress perfectly tonight. The other looks like it’s a topcoat with rainbow sparkles in it. It’s garish and probably meant for children, but Dan loves it anyway. He thinks his drag style is a little tacky anyway.

“I wasn’t sure if you were gonna use those fake fingernails or your real nails,” Phil says. “Or if you’d already picked out some polish. But I saw the green and knew it matched your dress.”

Dan pulls him into a hug. “You’re the best, did you know that?” He pulls away and hands the bottles back to Phil. “Do my nails for me? I wasn’t gonna wear fake nails tonight anyway. Thought I would just focus on getting my face right, and trying not to trip and die in my heels. I didn’t want to worry about poking my eyes out with my fake nails.”

“Really? You’ll let me do your nails? I’ll probably make a mess.”

“That’s okay.” Dan extends one hand to Phil. He uncaps the green polish and sweeps the brush over Dan’s thumbnail. He’s gentle, taking his time with it.

It’s quiet between them, just the sound of their breathing and Phil dipping the polish brush back into the container.

“You’re getting better at this,” Dan tells him. Indeed, Phil’s nail painting skills have improved a lot since he last did Dan’s nails. Last time, half of Dan’s fingers had been covered in paint. This time, Phil still makes a bit of a mess, but it’s definitely salvageable.

“Thanks,” Phil says. “I guess my burgeoning skills as a watercolour artist must be transferable to nail art.”

“Sure they are, bub.”

Phil gestures for Dan to put his other hand forward to be painted. “You know, I feel like I should be doing a _‘yee’_ test with you today, like you do when I’m playing video games,” Phil muses.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just, I keep wanting to ask you how you’re doing, or like, if you’re nervous to perform tonight. But I’m afraid that’ll just make you more nervous, or that you’ll just get annoyed with me continuing to bother you.”

Dan smiles. “You’re sweet. I dunno. Like, you really don't have to worry. I reckon I'm not gonna have an existential crisis over tonight, or convince myself I shouldn’t go. I’m legitimately looking forward to performing.”

“That’s good,” Phil says.

“It’s fuckin’ self-growth is what it is.” And it is. He absolutely would never have pushed himself this far out of his comfort zone even a year ago. He hums softly, considering. “Remember before I came out, I was worried that all of the other queer people out there wouldn’t accept me into the community?”

“Yeah. But they did, remember?”

Dan nods. “I think this is all just still a new experience for me. In some ways, tonight feels like coming out all over again. Except this time, it’s my fabulous drag queen alter ego’s turn.”

“And everyone will love her,” Phil says, looking up from Dan’s fingernails to meet his eyes. “And if they’re totally daft and do hate you and they, like, throw rotten tomatoes at you, then they’re assholes who you’re not gonna want to associate with anyway.”

Dan grins. “That’d be a story for my memoir, wouldn’t it? A whole chapter about getting tomatoes thrown at me while I was dressed in drag?”

“See? The worst case scenario is that you get a really bizarre ‘Reasons Why Dan’s A Fail’ story to tell people.” He screws the top back onto the nail polish he’s using and moves onto applying the top coat. Dan watches as the brush moves across his nail. The rainbow flecks actually look really cool on top of the dark green polish, not as tacky as he thought it would be.

“But if you ever do get nervous, just remember that you’re gonna have me, Bryony, Gordon, and all of your drag queen friends cheering you on ten times as loud as any hater would yell at you,” Phil says defiantly. “And besides, Luna Eclipse is the toughest bitch I know.”

Dan grins. She really is.

\---

It’s properly raining by the time he heads out. Dan has to be there a couple of hours before the show starts to get ready, so he kisses Phil goodbye and takes an Uber to the bar by himself. His stomach flipping with excitement and nerves, more than it was this morning.

Maybe that’s showing on his face, because his Uber driver asks him if he’s feeling all right when he gets into the car.

“Yes, I’m okay, thanks,” Dan says, settling his bag of drag things next to him. He’s glad when the driver doesn’t ask him any more questions or otherwise try and make conversation with him. He doesn’t particularly fancy having to concoct a lie about where he’s going, and he’s not about to tell this random stranger that he’s going to his first drag performance. It’s one thing to talk to fellow queer people or Phil’s family about doing drag, but he doesn’t fancy talking to his Uber driver about it.

The drive goes without incident, and he gets out of the car and heads into the bar.

“Miss Luna Eclipse! We meet again.” Dan turns and sees Mistress Mystique, the queen in charge of the bar’s drag night, heading over his way. She’s already in drag, even though the actual event doesn’t start for a few hours. She looks so put together, with her floor-length red gown. “Wonderful to see you again, gorgeous.”

“Hi,” Dan says, a wave of nerves crashing over him. This is one of the few people who’s ever seen him perform, and even though she liked him and gave him the go-ahead to perform in this drag night, he’s got that first day of school feeling brewing inside of him. She’s so cool, and far more experienced than he is.

“You’re one of the first ones here,” Mistress Mystique says as they walk together towards the dressing room in the back. Dan’s already been backstage a few times now, so he feels comfortable setting his bag down on a chair. “Just to confirm, you’ll be performing the song that you auditioned with, correct?”

“Yes,” Dan says, nodding, and she notes something down in the notebook she’s carrying. Her nails are long and red, matching her dress.

“Wonderful. You’ll be on right after Ladybird, then. I know we went over how the show works when you auditioned, but if you have any questions, let me or one of the other queens know.”

Dan thanks her, and she walks away to go talk to several other queens who have just arrived, leaving Dan to get ready. He breathes in deeply and zips open his bag to take out his small supply of makeup.

He sets it down on the table in front of him and stares at himself in the mirror. Despite his conversation with Phil earlier, his stomach is flipping just as bad as it was before he and Phil stepped out onto the stage for their very first TATINOF show.

But he’s also feeling confident. He knows how to do this. He’s gone over tonight’s look at least five times, perfecting it as much as possible, asking Autumn and Ruby Hart for advice along the way. He knows it looks decent.

So he gets to work as the other queens who will be performing tonight filter in around him. He listens to them laugh and talk, and he’s kept amused listening to a pair of them argue about whether their dresses are too similar, and who should have to change their look.

“Dan!”

Dan’s attention moves from the bickering queens to the voice behind him, and he looks in the mirror to see Adam standing behind him. He’s obviously just arrived, as he’s still got his raincoat on and his makeup kit and dress still in hand. Dan watches as he sets his stuff down and takes his coat off, hanging it on a hook in the dressing room.

“Hey, Adam.”

He moves to the seat next to Dan. “You nervous?”

“Never,” Dan says, grinning.

“It’s okay if you are,” Adam says. “Hell, I still get a little bit nervous before going on. But shhh, don’t tell anyone that, or I’ll replace all of your makeup with glue.”

“Sabotaging your own friend, I see how it is,” Dan says, as he starts to pin his curls back from his face. “Thought you said this wasn’t a competition.”

“Surprise!” Adam says. “I only made you my protégé so that I could trounce you in a vicious drag competition to the death.”

“Fuck off,” Dan says playfully.

“What’s this about a drag competition to the death?” says another voice, and Dan turns to see Ruby Hart has arrived. “Because girl, I’m all in.”

The three of them stand next to each other, chatting amiably about what a drag queen Hunger Games would be like - the answer is brutal and glamorous.

As they get ready, other queens filter in and start getting ready. A couple of them even come by to say hello to them.

“You’re the new queen, Luna, right?” one of them asks.

Dan nods. “Yup, I’m the fresh meat around here.”

The other queen smiles. “Don’t think you’re gonna steal my spotlight away from me. But I’ve gotta admit, you’re a total cutie.”

Dan tries not to blush and probably fails, but he owns the compliment. “Well, the crowd does love a cutie.”

The other queen laughs. “Go out there and have a great fucking time, bitch.” She moves on to join with a couple of others across the room.

“You’re already owning this place,” Autumn says next to him, staring at herself in the mirror as she applies mascara. “Although I may have hyped you up a bit as my friend. They’ve all been excited to meet you.”

“So you’re saying they’re not saying hello just out of the goodness of their hearts?”

“I mean, they are,” Autumn says. “It’s just, they’re also sizing up the new bitch in town to try and figure out your style and what you’re good at.”

As Dan applies his makeup, he’s so tempted to keep on looking around and see what the other queens around him look like. There’s so much variety already, from what he can see. But he knows that he’ll start to feel self-conscious if he starts comparing himself to more experienced queens, so he does his best to keep his eyes to his own mirror.

His hands are shaking just a bit, and it’s maybe not his most flawless makeup job. But it’s still so much better than what he was able to do when he first started, and he can’t help but be proud of his slightly-crooked eyeliner and lipstick.

It’s no time at all before the show starts, and the queens quiet down, their backstage banter stopping as they prepare to perform.

Autumn, Ruby, and Sydney are performing before him, so Dan is left to himself for a little while. He stands backstage and listens to music that the queens before him are performing to.

He’s up after a queen called Ladybird. As he listens to her banter with the audience, he takes calming breaths, just like he always did before his and Phil’s stage shows. They used to have a little ritual where they would breathe together.

_Phil._

He looks down and sees the nail polish that Phil had lovingly painted his nails with this morning. Just seeing the tacky rainbow sparkles reminds him that he’s got his best friends in that audience, and as long as he has them, he feels like he can do anything. And that more than anything calms him down.

_He’s good. He’s gonna be fine._ This isn’t the first time he’s performed, and it’s not gonna be the last. It’s Luna’s time to shine.

\---

His performance feels like a blur, when he looks back at it. It could have lasted one second or a whole day for all he knows.

All he really remembers is that he didn’t trip over his own heels and eat shit in front of dozens of people. Which is maybe the thing he’d been most worried about.

Just like during his morning run, being out on that stage is a rush of adrenaline and feeling. The stage lights are bright above him, and the bar is warm. There's dozens of faces staring back at him. It’s nowhere near the thousands that he’s performed in front of before. They’re older, there’s more guys.

But he’s not Dan right now. This isn’t his YouTube audience. He’s Luna, who doesn’t have an audience yet. And Luna’s beyond ready to perform for all of these bitches, show them what she’s made of.

The music starts as he struts out onto the stage. It’s a Spice Girls song. He thought about choosing something a little more recent. But in his heart, he had to choose it, as an homage to happy, charming five-year-old Dan. His younger self would have probably died in excitement to have known that a few decades later, all of that practice in his nana’s garden and living room had paid off. He’s performing for that kid who’s still inside of him.

The audience claps and cheers as he dances and lip-syncs along, and he almost wants to cry for the sheer rush of emotion it’s bringing. He feels more confident and in his element as the song goes on. He knows this routine down to his bones. It feels like it’s part of him, like Luna is part of him that he’s finally getting a chance to express like this.

He flips his hair over his shoulder as he turns and flashes a coy smile at the audience, and they cheer. It’s in that moment that he sees Phil and Bryony near the stage. They must have moved from their table to be closer to him. As he lip syncs, he winks and points to them, and they cheer and dance along like he really is a frickin’ Spice Girl.

He swishes over to the other side of the stage and strikes a pose to finish off his routine. His performance was honestly not perfect, and he misses a few steps here and there. His lip syncing probably wasn’t perfect.

But when those last few notes of his song end, and he’s standing on stage, out of breath but with a huge smile on his face, he feels in love with the whole world.

It’s a somewhat foreign feeling to him, someone who grew up hating his life. In recent years, that’s changed. He likes his life now. And he’s used to feeling in love with Phil, and the Lester family house at Christmastime, and the game nights he spends with Bryony and Adam and the others.

He felt in love with the whole world on some nights when he was performing TATINOF and Interactive Introverts and the crowd would cheer, but those nights were sometimes tinged with feelings of regret and sadness, like he was lying to all of these people about who he truly was.

He knows that’s not true now. Staying in the closet was something that he had to do to protect himself over the years, and that it was a perfectly good and safe thing to do. He doesn’t think he could have handled being out sooner than what he was.

But right now, in front of this audience who are cheering for Luna instead of Dan, a queen they’ve never met before, well. Something about this experience makes Dan feel the most like ‘himself’ he’s felt in years.

He is Luna, and Dan, and a drag queen, and a creative person, and a friend. And all of those things are wonderful and good.

When he’s managed to strut off stage to let the next queen have the spotlight, Autumn finds him and squeezes his hand tightly. They’d probably be hugging right now if they weren’t afraid to mess up their makeup and hair.

“You did so fucking fantastic!” Autumn says excitedly. “I knew you would.”

“Thank you,” Dan says. He’s still slightly out of breath from all of the dancing he just did.

“How do you feel?” Autumn asks, looking him over.

“Incredible. Like maybe doing drag was the best decision I’ve ever made.” That might be slightly melodramatic, but if a drag queen can’t be melodramatic, then what’s the fucking point of it all?

\---

In what seems like no time at all, the show is over. Dan’s ears are echoing from the loud music, and he’s practically vibrating with excitement. He’s done it. He’s just performed in his first drag show.

When he comes out from backstage, Phil’s eyes brighten and he steps forward.

“You did amazing, Luna!” he yells over the loudness of the bar around them. “You did so, so well.”

“Thanks,” Dan says, grinning. Now that the show is over, he doesn’t mind fucking up his makeup, so he leans down and gives Phil a kiss. Bryony and Gordon oooooo at them, and Dan gives them the finger, his lips still on Phil’s.

He feels like his guard is completely down right now. He feels safe, comfortable, almost invincible. He’s Luna, and Luna is unstoppable. She can kiss her boyfriend in the middle of this bar and not be afraid of anything.

When he pulls away, Phil’s eyes are half-closed, and he’s got Luna’s dark lipstick all over his lips. He looks fucking hot.

“I can’t believe I’m dating an up-and-coming, super-hot drag queen,” Phil says. His tongue traces his lips, tasting the lipstick that Dan’s left there, and Dan can’t help but stare. He’s gonna kiss the fuck out of Phil when they’re not in public.

Honestly, he’s so drunk on the feeling of performing that he wouldn’t even mind making out right now, something he’s literally never done with Phil in public. He feels freer than he usually does. Still, he doesn’t particularly want to ruin Luna’s makeup by sloppily making out at a bar, so he manages to refrain.

“You’d better believe it, cutie,” Dan says, patting his cheek. “That a thing you’re into?”

“Yeah, ‘cause I think I’m just into you,” Phil says, his tipsy logic as sound as always.

Bryony makes a retching noise next to them. “Why am I friends with you guys? Phil, you’re literally the flirtiest, horniest drunk I know.” But she’s smiling, and Dan gives her a side hug.

“‘Cause you love us, sweetheart,” he says. “And ‘cause you get to go to drag shows and tell people that you’re friends with the queens. It makes people really jealous to know that you have gorgeous friends like me and Autumn.”

“You’re right. See, that’s why you’re my friend, to remind me of that.”

“Hey, everyone!”

Dan looks over and sees that Ruby Hart has joined their group.

“Great job, Ruby!” Gordon says. He’s got an arm slung around Autumn’s waist. When Autumn’s in heels, their height difference is highly pronounced, and Gordon looks tiny. Dan’s heart feels so affectionate for both of them in this moment.

Ruby smiles over at Dan and tosses her long curls behind her shoulder. “You did so great, bitch. I feel like a proud mum, knowing that I taught you some of those moves.”

“Well, it’s really all thanks to you that I know how to walk in heels without rolling an ankle,” Dan says.

“And you do it so well!” Ruby says.

“Luna thinks I would manage to break all the bones in my body if I ever put on heels,” Phil says.

“If anyone can teach you, I can,” Ruby says, and the conversation flows from there.

Somehow, even with three of them dressed in drag and towering over everyone else, this doesn’t feel much different than when they’ve all gotten together to play board games or go out to a bar sans-drag. It’s just a group of friends who love and support each other, and Dan wonders how the fuck he got so lucky.

_I really am gonna be okay,_ he thinks, as he takes a sip of Phil’s too-sweet cocktail. _This next year’s gonna be fucking amazing._

\---

Eventually, it gets late, and it's time to go home, but even though he’s lazy, he’s not about to walk outside in full drag, so he and Autumn head backstage again to de-drag themselves.

He’s a little sad to have to take off his dress and wipe away his makeup, even though it feels good to let his skin breathe again. It felt so damn good to be Luna, like he could do anything he set his mind to.

The good thing is, this isn’t saying goodbye, not like it was the last night of their Interactive Introverts tour, when he knew it was the last time they would ever perform the show. He’d actually cried a little that final night, once they were back in their hotel room. Of course, those tears were arguably out of exhaustion rather than true sadness of an era being over.

But tonight, watching Luna disappear in front of his eyes in the mirror, well, this is just farewell until another day. And that makes him beyond excited. He’s gonna get to do this all over again in just a few weeks. He’s gonna get to perform with all of these funny, snarky, beautiful queens and get to know them better, just like he’s gotten to know Ruby and Sydney. Maybe he won’t get along with everyone here. He probably won’t; they’ve all got strong personalities, after all, Luna included. But he’s at least excited to try.

When the last of the makeup is wiped off of his face, he feels exhausted despite his elation, like the adrenaline’s finally run out.

“Tired?” Adam says. He’s pulling his jumper back on, and without the makeup, Dan can see that he looks drowsy too.

“Yeah,” Dan says. “I’m a wimp nowadays. I used to stay up all night, but me and Phil are proper adults now, the kind that go to bed before midnight.”

“Losers,” Adam says, laughing. They grab their things and head out into the bar. It’s quieter now. The bar’s open for a few more hours, so there’s still plenty of people drinking and talking. But most of the people who had filled this space earlier were here for the drag show, and they’ve left already.

Phil and Bryony start talking excitedly again as they walk up, and Gordon pulls Adam into a deep kiss, now that he’s not wearing makeup.

Dan tucks himself into Phil’s side, enjoying the comforting warmth of his presence.

“You okay?” Phil murmurs into Dan’s ear. Checking in with him, like always.

“Yeah,” Dan whispers back. “I’m perfect.”

“You are,” Phil says, grinning and pulling back. His lips are still tinted with a bit of Luna’s lipstick, and Dan feels his heart lift happily, thinking of how it got there.

“Mostly, I think I’m tired,” he says.

“Me too.” Phil smiles at the others. “I think we’re going to head out. It’s past this queen’s bedtime.” He puts his arm around Dan’s waist and squeezes.

The others call out their goodbyes and promises to text later, and they turn to leave.

When they’re at the door to the bar, Dan takes one look back at the bar.

“You okay?” Phil says again, quieter now that they’re out of the noise of the main bar. His voice is gentle, as though he recognizes how big of a deal this has been for Dan.

“Yeah.” He smiles. “Just a lot, you know? Performing for the first time. I feel really happy right now, Phil.”

“I can tell. You haven’t stopped smiling since you’ve come out from behind the stage. It’s good to see.”

“I know I’m tired, but I kinda don’t want this night to end, ever.”

“We could stick around,” Phil says. “Even though we’re tired. I think Gordon said that he and Adam were planning on hanging around for another hour.”

Dan shakes his head. “Nah. I kinda want to go home so that we can fuck, and then I want to sleep for a whole week.”

“That’s my favourite kind of night,” Phil says with a grin.

“C’mon then,” Dan says, taking Phil’s hand and pulling him out into the world. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed, consider reblogging this fic’s masterpost [here.](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/619946154979901440/some-killer-queen-you-are-fic-complete-rated-m)
> 
> This was the first chaptered fic I’ve ever posted and completed, and it was a great experience. I have appreciated every single comment I’ve gotten along the way, and you all have encouraged me to finish this story. <3
> 
> This all started when I went to a nearby history museum, and they had a small exhibit on a local, influential drag queen who had recently passed away. I stood there for a long while, looking at her dresses and reading her story, and the idea of drag queen Dan popped into my head and wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve greatly enjoyed learning more about drag queens and their history and culture as I’ve done research for this fic.
> 
> I went into this thinking it would be a four chapter/15k story at most, but it’s obviously gotten a lot longer than that. I hope I’ve done drag queen Dan’s story justice. <3


End file.
